Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Don’t Make Any Sense

IMG_1271I don’t.  To most people I don’t.  I don’t think I do.  I sort of get bored and move on to the next thing but this doesn’t always work in a conversation.  Or at work.  I’m pretty sure this blog is the longest I can go with one sort of theme at a time.  I do go to be every night, so I’m consistent there.  Everything else is random but it’s not. 

This is sort of what I do at work.  I look at what appears to be a lot of random stuff, which isn’t and then find someone smarter than me to do some math to show that it isn’t random.  Then I’m right.  I love being right.

So back to what I was saying…

Here’s an example of not making sense, essentially my thoughts in a day.

5am alarm… turn off, I could run but I need a rest day.

I know it’s tuesday but my new week begins on tuesday. Thus it’s a rest day.

I could watch the tour and get something out of that, I’ll call it training.

That Thomas Voeckler guy licks his lips a lot, maybe his family has a history of downs.  Maybe his lips are chapped.  He should call grandma.

Why does Sesame Street use a lot of retarded kids.  John John wasn’t, but I think the rest were.  I’m not supposed to say retarded.

I’m not saying special, special is special, retarded is not special. Seems like a lot of work.

How many days can I really wear bike shorts, 2 max I think though it’s really about miles.  Then it’s like 60 miles max or 2x 30.  I ride alone, who cares.

I’d like a beach house somewhere.  I should look.

I hate taxes, I think I paid more since January.  $45,000 is a lot to me.  Seriously.  Those are just extra from 08 and 09.  I hate taxes.

I forgot the hotwings in the fridge with the chicken and taters.  I do that a lot. 

I forgot my pants today.  Rode into work. 

Hit 937 watts on my commute.  Turns out pulling out in front of cars on a busy road will be a regular part of my training.

I tried to go over 450w at least 15 times on my morning commute.  I’m sure this is good training for something.

Sada practiced her T1 and T2 (triathlon stuff) yesterday about 10x.  She’s seriously amazing.  We even practiced mount like back up scenarios.  She got it. 

I sat down next to an 11 year old kid who was a prodigy on the piano.  We talked about tiramisu.  Seriously.  He made it with chopsticks because he didn’t have a hand-mixer for the egg whites.  He also enjoys hot dogs, his one hour a week of World of Warcraft, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.  He also said he liked kids who were 14-15 more than his peers but didn’t say why.  For going into 7th grade I thought he was pretty small.  He said he didn’t like sports.  I sort of glossed over at that point.

I don’t understand asian drivers.  Just go faster.  You’re good at numbers, make the needle go to 60 on the highway. 

I’d never buy a Camry. 

I understand how people need a Prius, but still figure it’s better to carpool.  How much energy and resources did it take to make a new prius?  A lot.  Where do the batteries go when they are dead?

I love Motley Crue and Steely Dan.  Those two bands should never meet.  It wouldn’t be pretty.

I’m annoyed that people do races for fun. 

Americans are fat.  I don’t think we should be. 

In Paris this lady walks up to this cashier at a store and says ‘how much is this with the discount’.  He says in a super heavy accent, I don’t know.  She walks off.  We get to him and throw a few bonjours around and he speaks perfect english to us.  Says he’s going on vacation to Vancouver BC but hates Texans because they’re rednecks.  We agreed.  Then ate dinner without our friend from Texas who was complimented everywhere in Paris on his amazing French that he learned by living in France.  He is not a redneck.

I found money in 3 different pieces of clothing I wore in 1 day.  It was $7. 

I’m hardly ever offended.  Except by people who are easily offended.  This is pretty much every elected official and stay at home moms. 

I said pretty much above, in case you were offended. 

I could spend every day with my family and never get tired of them. 

My wife makes a big dinner with at least 3 salads just about every night of the week.  I look in the fridge and say ‘pizza night’ if I offer to cook.

I should stretch more.  I love french toast but syrup has a lot of calories. 

I love when my kids succeed at something and know it. 

I don’t believe in ‘I’m sorry’, I just say don’t do it again or draw me a picture or something.

I have a hard time throwing away anything my kids do.  I hate seeing salad go to waste.

I don’t let the kids waste water and we never mis-treat books.

I think the mona liza is smiling but she isn’t pretty to begin with. 

The best reality show isn’t real.  The housewives of the OC is awesome. 

I want to have enough money to write a screenplay and get it made. 

I would sleep in a bunk bed a lot if I was allowed to.  By allowed to, I mean having one in my room.  I suppose Greta could sleep on the bottom bunk.  Or maybe a big queen size bunk bed. 

I don’t like knowing the ending of a book or movie.  Or a stage in a bike race. 

Lazy annoys me.  Like a lot.  I don’t like to waste time.  Though watching a bike race on TV for 4 hours is not considered wasting time.  This is why I have my own house. 

I want a new bike, my current road bike feels noodle-y.  It’s probably not but I think it does.

I wonder how smelly it was in ‘olden times’. 

See that’s a big list of random stuff.  I think I wrote that in 5 minutes.  I guess the takeaway from this post is to feel bad for Greta.  She can follow most of what I say, in fact I don’t remember the last time she didn’t.  I have a hard time following others.  I also only like the first 1:30 of most songs. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

It Stinks a Little

I noticed I haven’t written a post in like 2 months.  I should have waited 2 more days but I have at least 11 things to say.  I sort of have to write this because I’ll go to meetings at work with people I see all the time and they say, “I found your blog’ and then people who don’t feel left out and then they read it.  Sometimes during that meeting and it is awkward.  My PT read it because another PT there read it who treated my wife.  My doctor read it and didn’t like it but at least he read it. My family reads it.  And I’m sure all 11 Facebook friends read it.  In short, I have to write something so I don’t have to explain why I didn’t write anything.  Here’s a list of stuff that kept me from writing and sadly I’m tired of those Russian women but I’ll provide you with one last bikini photo of Natalya who basically made me so tired that I stopped responding. 

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See, she’s lovely but a big chatter box.  You’re fired.

I did this:

  • I watched every televised second of the Giro.  It’s a bike race in Italy.  It wasn’t in Hi Def, but I still watched it.  I mean, I used to watch UHF channels that were wicked staticky.  That took 2-3 hrs a day in May. 
  • Then we moved.  That took like a week.  We didn’t move until the Giro was over though. 
  • I also wrecked my calf running a lot and decided that drinking beer was better than running
  • Discovered margaritas.
  • Found that it’s hard to get up the next day to watch the Tour of Switzerland and Tour of California if you’ve had too many margaritas. 
  • Ran out of tequila and moved over to mojitos but didn’t fix the whole ‘it’s hard to get up’ problem.
  • Had a birthday party for my daughters which included a dozen little girls, a dozen baby bunnies, 2 ponies and found that when you say 2-4pm on an invite doesn’t really mean people leave at 4.  No bunnies were killed.  See picture: pony party.

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  • Got a lot of emails from parents telling me their daughter wants a bunny and/or pony and thank you very much.
  • I taught my girls how to play lacrosse without breaking anything.
  • I ran out of stuff to drink mostly and moved back to water.  I found that elastic waisted shorts and spandex do have their limits.  Got back on the bike and ran further than the fridge.
  • The Tour de France started, no time for exercise now.  Have to drink French wine while watching the coverage.  I try and do 45 sit ups each day in order to experience pain on the same level as the riders.  I bet 60 sit ups is like Hors Catagorie. 
  • I took the kids hiking.  Because my kids are ridiculous, I laughed the whole time and wrote down their gibberish:
    • A man died right here on this bench (when seeing a bench with a dedication to a guy who died on Everest but they didn’t read past the part on the bench that said ‘he died’).  They wouldn’t sit on it either because they might die.  They freaked out when I sat on it.  I explained the sign.
    • A saw a rattlesnake once.  It was a stuffed animal. - Piper
    • Cavemen are dead now. - Piper (she carried this caveman like tool rock thingy for 5 miles and tried to get me to hold it every 32 feet).
    • If you scream 'bear' at the top of your lungs and run, you can totally make a 6 year old haul ass.  For about a mile.  Then you have to say, "I didn't really see a bear but I did see you run fast and that was better than seeing a bear".
    • I will carry this rock in case a bear or black widow tries to kill us.  I could also cut salmon with it.  (Piper and then Sada)
    • I know the way, make sure to follow me (neither of these kids had any idea where they were going) - Piper
    • More stairs? This is killing me.  - Piper
    • They spotted and called out every possible rock and tree that could slip and kill us or trigger an avalanche which could also kill us.  We should have died a trillion times. - (mostly) Sada.
    • Will we die? (upon seeing the edge of the cliff we were on, the answer is “yes, but don’t because mom would get mad”) - Sada
    • Can we stop for a snack (said about a million times, approx. every 3 meters)? - Piper
    • I found another y.  (they pointed out every y made out of sticks they saw, roots included, there are about a billion of these). - Piper
    • Piper: it smells like a fart here.  Me: no it doesn’t.  Piper: well if I farted it would.
    • They also had a 10 min conversation in Chinese.  They don’t know Chinese but that didn’t stop them.
    • There was a song about kissing someone and then that song included someone taking their shirt off after kissing.  I ended the song.  Immediately.
    • They also wanted to know what it would be like to hike naked except for shoes.  I suggested waiting for doing this after college when I’m dead.
  • I went to Paris. For work. In July. With my wife. Seriously. For Work. 
    • There are lots of Americans in Paris.  You’d never spot them – well, maybe you could.  See below – can you find the couple from the US?  Yes, I know it’s mean.
    • I did rent a golf cart to drive around Versailles.  Not inside but outside.  Turns out you can buy wine and beer on the grounds and there were cup holders in the cart.  It also turns out you can do donuts in a golf cart, you can flip a golf cart while trying to do donuts on a sandy road going downhill even in France.  Thank goodness Greta screamed when we got that baby up on 2 wheels with 4 people aboard.  I would have let it flip.  I bet they would have given me another free hour if I got hurt.

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So that’s it.  I’ll write something again.