Thursday, January 27, 2011

You received my letter? Why you do not answer me? Car wash it is your work?

So I could either write about swimming and biking but not running OR I can tell you more about Elena…

She’s way more interesting so away we go!

From Elena:

Hi Henry. How are you today? It is a pity, I do not receive your answer. Probably it will seem to you strange, but I have written for you the letter two days ago. Therefore first of all I wish to ask...

You received my letter? Why you do not answer me?

Elena

Then because I didn’t write back the next day, she panics:

Hello Henry! I do not receive till now your answer. I do not know, why you do not write to me. Probably, you do not have on it time. But, if you are not interested to get acquainted with me further tell to me about it. Well? For me it is very important for knowing! I hope that you can shortly inform me on it.

Elena

This is alarming so I had to write back and let us not forget what she looks like, Jack (the dog) tilts his head the same way when we say ‘ARE YOU A GOOD BOY?’. 

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From me, or rather Henry:

Dearest Elena Bena Fo Fena,

I am sorry that so much time has passed since I last wrote to you – 48 hours is a long time. I have been travelling a little. I own many car washes and have had to spend time visiting some of them to ensure people are cleaning the cars correctly. Do you have car wash where you live? I do not know about Russia but it does not sound like a place I would like to visit, unless there were many beautiful women like you at every bus stop. Do you travel? Do you have a car or ride the bicycle?

I love muffins and hope that you do as well.

How about the shopping and sexytime?

I also read books?

What do you read?

Do you know Disney?

I just saw Tangled, it’s a pretty good movie but it isn’t realistic.  A pretty blonde, who doesn’t really ever try to get out of her tower? Really now?  See.

How about a phone, maybe we could speak dearly together soon.  I have a party line at my home. 

Do you have internet where you live?  We have it here.  I am guessing you do.  Do you speak about pop music?  I wish to know this and more about you.  I still enjoy those slippers of yours. 

Your friend and hero,

Henry

Then she writes (and I underline my favorite lines)

Hello Henry. I am glad to receive your letter. It is a pity that you was necessary to wait long. I hope that you can write to a thicket.

Tell, you are good to understand that I write to you in my letter?

I am not confident but in St.-Petersburg is a little car wash? car wash it is your work?

I never travelled abroad Russia. But I travelled in many places here.

In Russia there are many beautiful places. How much you travel? In what countries you were? Do you live in New Your city?

I have no car or bicycle. I should tell that it is very unusual questions for the man to set to the woman. But i like shopping.

You know I would like to tell about the hobbies and including that i like a read in other letter. Well? Now, I would like to tell to you for what exactly I search. I wish to get acquainted with the good man for serious relations. Some women search for acquaintance to the man to have pleasant evening with him or only to provide itself financially. I not the such. I wish to find the good man and to have steady relations with him, to establish a family. I think that the love is necessary for such relations. I hope, you to understand that I wish to tell to you. To me 27 years, but I have never met such man whom I could present near to me. I hope, our acquaintance will correct it, I sincerely hope for it. Excuse me Henry that I speak with you about it, probably it will seem to you too frank and personal. But it is very important for me. I want, that you knew that I wish to find in a life and to what I aspire now. What concerning you? What do you think of it? Tell to me, you dream to meet what woman in your life?

Tell to me more about your family. You often see the parents? You have brothers and sisters? Please send me your photo I hope to receive your answer soon.

Yours Elena

Then I wrote:

Dear Elena,

The car wash is my work, I am a business man and own many of them – I get paid sitting around watching people wash cars, this is called unskilled labor but it is a choice.  I travel very often but to sunny places with views of the ocean and tropical fish and many beaches.  I have been to London and France but do not care for those French people.  I do not like their sideways hats and they smoke in all of the restaurants. 

I do live in New York City in a very nice area near Central Park, do you know of this?  If you have seen the American TV show Friends you will know this area.  You are very beautiful and would enjoy visiting and I would enjoy shopping for clothing, uggs and handbags for you.   Uggs are very popular but ugly footwear.  Just like Justin Beaver.

I do wish for serious relations, non-serious relations are not appealing to me.   I do not waste my time with women who only want my money, just women who are looking for my companionship and enjoy being showered with gifts and jewelry and travel. 

My family all lives in New York City,  I do not see them often as they are jealous of my many car washes and my home, my father Belo is a bastard.   I have 3 sisters and they are all younger, 37, 28 and 27.  They all have children and live nearby.  Do you enjoy wine?  If so, do you have any favorites?

Attached is a picture of me.

Can we speak sometime?  I have a cell phone.  Do you have these where you are?  I have been reading about Russia a little and those big hats look like fun to wear.  Maybe if you visit someday you could bring one?  I love Italian food, I hope you do as well.

Disheveled,

Henry

PS – would you mind sending more photos, you are really beautiful and I think of you often. 

 

And now this poor guy who put his picture on Picasa is now Henry.  Sorry mate. 

henry

Thursday, January 20, 2011

You the handsome man

You’ve waited for this, I know it.  If you check your junk mail filters from time to time, you too will find love and a hilarious Russian woman to exchange poorly translated emails. 

Meet Elena.  Here’s how we meet.  And yes, I wrote such language purposefully.  Sorry I did not post sooner. 

From Elena:

Hi, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! How are you? It is pity that I could not write to you earlier. We communicate on dating site. To refresh your memory, I send you my photo, do not forget send me your pic. Waiting for your answer.

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And of course when a pretty lady like this emails you, there is no other choice but to respond. With this:

Hi Deborah, I don't remember but you are very pretty, your slippers are exceptional. I do not have any pictures of me right now as I am on vacation in the Bahamas so forgive me.  The Bahamas as you know is an island without electricity, so no cameras. 

Where do you live right now? I currently spend time in New York City and in California, in the wine and Mexican area . Thank you again so much for writing to me, I am very happy.  I enjoy fruits and vegitables and getting caught in the rain.  Pina Coladas are ok.

Cheers,

Henry.

Then she writes:

6Hello Henry.

For me the pleasure has given to receive the answer from you. How are spend a vacation in the Bahamas? My name Elena and me of 27 years. I from Russia. I write to you behind getting acquainted. What do you think of it? We could begin acquaintance between us? I think that we can try. Anyway it is always interesting to me to get acquainted and speak with people. I very sociable woman. But, my basic intentions consist in other. I hope to find my second half... The man together with which I can divide the life and construct relations. Probably many people search for the similar. Therefore I as not an exception.

It is good, if you not against acquaintance between us in the following letter for me the pleasure will give to tell to you about yourself. In this letter I send for you my photo that you could make out is better me.

I look forward your answer.

Elena

 

Then I write:

Well HOW-DE-DO Elena,

You are a lovely young lady! I would enjoy speaking at you - so yes, we should have acquainted and construct relations. I am a divorced man, I used to be in a band called Loverboy, maybe you have heard of them, Mike Reno and I are not speaking but that does not concern you? How many years are you? I am older than you and enjoy music, dancing - the cabbage patch is my specialty (it is a dance you know), drinking wine and chess. I am not dating, so you may be perfect. Tell me about where you live. I think you may know of New York City or perhaps Ronald Reagan? I look forward to your mail and more photos. We do not wear many bikinis here as it is cold. Do you have sisters? Perhaps you have pets too?  Tell me about your slippers.

Kindness and Pain,

Henry

Then she writes:

8578Hello Henry!! It was very pleasant to me to receive your message. I admit very much waited for your letter. I am sorry that I have not answered you earlier. I had no possibility for the letter. How is your holiday in Bahamas?

I thank you that you have told to me a little about yourself. You the handsome man. I read that you the creative person. But I never heard about Loverboy. I know about New York. It is the big and beautiful city.

I would like to tell to you a little about myself. As you know my name is Elena. To me of 27 years, my growth of 180 sm and my weight of 54 kg. My Birthday on April, 15th. I the Aries on a zodiacal sign. I live in the city of St.-Petersburg, Russia. You for certain heard about this city. My city - very beautiful!!! I tell 3 language, it: Russian, English and French. I write you the letter by means of the translator, it is easier to write for me the big letter, but I try to improve it.

I never was married, I do not have children. I wish to find serious relations. I live one in my own apartment. At me the higher degree of education. I work as the doctor. I very much like my work. Thanks to my work, I can help various and interesting people. I travelled to Russia much, but never was outside of the country. I the sociable girl, I have many friends and I like to spend a free time together with them. I go in for sports to support myself in shape.

h264_843I also would like to learn about you! Please, tell to me about yourself, about your character, about in what you like to be engaged at leisure? When your Birthday, your zodiacal sign, your growth. It would be very interesting to me to learn more you. I also hope that you will send me the photos. If you are not interested any more in ours with you acquaintance, write to me about it. I hope to receive your answer soon.

Your new friend Elena

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

She Got Growly

So, I didn’t even tell her but at some point last night I rolled over.  I was sort of awake and then I hear this very distinct and sort of loud ‘grrrrrrrrr’ followed by the sound of snoring.  It was like a 3 second or longer growl.  You’d think it was the dog but weighing in at a strapping 6lbs or maybe a bit more, Jack doesn’t really have a growl – more like a high-pitched tweet-like bark.  So it was the Mrs, growling away in her sleep.  Jack and I were sort of annoyed. 

If you were counting, this is Greta’s second animal related late night in-her-sleep sound.  Last time it was a more comical parrot-whistle followed by ‘CRACKERS’, said in a parrot voice. 

I’m also doing other stuff, like signing up for the Rev 3 half iron distance race in July in Portland.  July 10 to be specific.  I wanted to do Vineman 70.3 but it was sold out and even the wait list was maxed – so I’ll do this race, which is closer and cheaper and it has hills. 

Not sure what else I will do, but likely Lake Stevens 70.3 as well.

So this means I have to swim and stuff – so I started that, a whole 3 months earlier than I did last year.  My cycling program is now well into it’s 4th month now and I’m WAY ahead of where I was last year.  The watts are getting easier and easier to push and getting in 90 min workouts 3x a week on the trainer and another 3-5 hrs on the weekend is helping me nicely.  Today I even got a little visit from Z4, a whopping 6 mins - but have been getting at least 30-45 mins of Z3, 2x a week. 

I grew a beard sort of and I think 2 people like it.  Sada showed me some pictures of people with facial hair and their jobs: criminal, lumberjack, longshoreman and if I just get rid of everything but the mustache, I could also be a magician.  She’s mostly worried that she won’t recognize me in a week, it’s not like I’m going all Amish on her but given that it is really annoying and I haven’t had a kiss in over 2 weeks, I’ll be removing it shortly. 

I also have stopped or at least cut my experiment to 50% of the prescribed mg.  I was not sleeping well and given that my testosterone and thyroid were way low already, I opted for less support in curbing my appetite, a lower overall HR and a return to normalcy.  After a few days at 50mg instead of 100mg, my HR is down 10-15 beats in my workouts, I’m getting what feels to be a solid night’s sleep and I’m probably less insane to be around. 

The girls are still swimming awesomely.  Piper learned to breathe and swim, before she would swim about 33 little strokes and then gasp, recover and do it again.  Now she is breathing on each side, except she does it on every stroke.  So we are working on finding a middle ground.  Sada is swimming really well and did an amazing butterfly last night across the pool.  I couldn’t have been prouder, mostly because I have never buttered a single stroke in my life and I’ll probably keep it that way.

Here’s the insane Christmas Eve photo.  Sada’s head looks enormous and Piper still looks like Ozzy Osbourne.  Because no one ever takes photos of me, I had Piper model my new coat. 

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That’s it.  

Monday, January 3, 2011

I SWEAR

I promise I’ll write a post.  See, Piper is waiting impatiently like you are.

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I keep telling people I will but until I do, I’ll tempt you with the following recent scenarios and tidbits that I may cover:

  • I weigh less than I did before but not less than I did in 2009 when I was faster. 
  • Most of Rhae’s success on the bike is due to me, or at least she wasn’t bored on her recovery rides which are just about as important as anything else. 
  • My Under Armour sponsorship ended, so now I just have about 22,209 pieces of clothing to wear out.  Just to spite them, I have K-Swiss racing flats for 2011
  • I had to tell the 2 Barbies fighting with plastic knives in my living room to stop it, I was told that “they’re not Barbies, they’re Indians”.  I think that’s racist or they’ve been watching more Disney movies, which isn’t racist, it’s Disney.  They also kill off the mom’s in just about every movie, but somehow that is ok. 
  • I found Piper with her head submerged in the tub wearing swim goggles so she could look at her sister’s rear end in the water.  I voided my duties as a parent on that one and walked out of the room. 
  • In 2010, 5 people in Greta’s family died. 
  • I think I know as many people getting married as getting divorced or on their way. 
  • I lowered my bike seat by 3mm today.  I’ve also dismounted my bike to cross ice patches more in the past week than in my entire life. 
  • I got a Garmin 410.  Greta surprisingly got one for Christmas, I figured I needed to show her how it worked and since guys don’t use instructions, I had to have my own to mess up and figure out.  I have decided that although directions are still out – instructional videos are still in. 
  • My daughters and I tried to tell a guy that his giant thing of laundry detergent was on his car as he drove off.  Since he didn’t stop or ask why I was honking at him, we followed him until it shot off the car.  Sadly, it went into a ditch, with no explosion or mess.  I’ll probably get it tomorrow on the way to the pool at 5:30am when no one will see me climbing around in a ditch for $14 worth of detergent. 
  • I have broken up with my scammer in Africa.  She was really needy and wanted my bank account number.  Honestly, does that scam EVER work?  Sadly, I have the most readers when I mess with these people. 
  • I drew the line that below 15 degrees is too cold to ski.  Sadly, when I got my Land Rover last serviced they reset the temp to Celsius so I have to look at my phone to see what the weather is where I’m at so I can sort of abide by my new rule or know what the real temperature is outside.  0 C sounds cold, but it’s really 32 F, I bet no one knew that. 
  • It is so cold that in the garage on a trainer I have to wear gloves.  My iPod dies in <45 mins and I take that as a sign to stop sometimes.  Other times I bring 2 iPods and long fingered gloves. 
  • Greta had Absinthe and declared that we were going to re-marry in an Indian ceremony.  I hope they do not fight with knives during that time.  I would not recommend that beverage to many people.  The Barbies are not invited. 
  • I rode with Ben who had a beard and red tights – so I figured that was fast so I grew a beard.  But no red tights. 
  • Then I rode with Rusty and he coughed the whole ride and said he was getting better.  He may have slept at some points during the ride except for the ice we had to dodge every 15 mins or so. 
  • I also talked to Courtenay but she just said I had to swim 20k yards a week to get better, so for 2011 I’ll live with being not good in the pool. 

That’s it.