Friday, May 13, 2011

I very much like children, I have no children, but in the future I shall be glad to have children

Ok, so here’s the update. 

I’m running, well I was then I hurt my amazing right calf a little and I had to take a few days off which is fine because I have to watch about 2.5 hours of bike racing a day (Tour of Italy aka The Giro or La Giro) which is going to be compounded even more with the Tour of California (aka Le Tour of California) starting this weekend.  That’s a lot of spandex, tv and me not doing anything for what feels like the entire month of May.  I’ll try and run this weekend to ensure I don’t turn into more of a cow.  Moo.  PS keep reading until it says the end.  I had to put a bunch of lines in this post so you’d better know when her babbling letters stop.

Here’s the rest of my dearest little Russian scammer for this week:

Hi! Today I was waiting for a response from you but you're not writing to me.

Why? You do not want me to talk or if you simply do not have time to write me a letter.

I would love to get to know you better and who knows what might end our acquaintance ...

Write me more about yourself! "Well, I must go and so I conclude my letter.

I hope that you write to me tomorrow, bye!

New friend Natalya!

I didn’t write back.  Seriously, this is work dealing with this pretend person – she’ll write every single day.  Then she follows up with a real epic pile of English language slaughter…. aka crapola.

x_84f6aa18 (2)Hello Jonah ! How - you today?

I hope, that you were happy to receive my letter because, when I receive your letter, I really happen is admired. Many thanks to you. I have absolutely understood everything, that you have written to me. As I already spoke to you that I I know English language more likely well. I very much like children, I have no children, but in the future I shall be glad to have children. I would like that kids ran on the house and pleased parents. And when children will grow they will please parents with the successes and to help the parents. I want to have two children of the boy and the girl. It seems to me that it is the biggest pleasure in life. Jonah , as you already know, I have no computer in my house and consequently I write to you from my work.

Therefore I regret, if not so quickly I answer your letter. I work since Monday till Friday and is very frequent on Saturday. My working day begins at 8:00 and last by 18:00. Sometimes I work till 19.00. But it is not easy, because my boss does not allow use the computer with the private the purposes. We have no unlimited access of the Internet on work. My monthly income - 10000 roubles, it approximately 250 euros. But as I live with parents, this money suffices also I even I can postpone gradually, as I like to travel. I travelled to Russia, I saw Moscow, Samara, St.-Petersburg, Sochi. But I never was in Europe.

Approximately 2 years I worked in Advertising agency. 5 people from our firm have left in the USA for training. Among these people there was my girlfriend with whom we are on friendly terms since the childhood - Anna. In the USA it Has met the man of the dream - Harry.

They have got acquainted directly on work, and them acquaintance has ended with wedding. Anna remained to live in the USA from Harry. They together already 2 years also wait for the child. I am very happy for it. We keep in touch with it. She also has advised to me to take advantage of the Internet for search of the only thing. Now I have found you Jonah ! I - very much to it and I think now of you. I tried to find love and happiness here, but I felt lie.

We have a proverb in Russia: the Fierce truth is better than sweet lie.

I think, that you are a fair person. Whether I am valid is right? I have many girlfriends, but I do not have beloved and from it to me is sad. But now when I have met you, my grief leaves when I see the letter from you. And I very much want that our relations proceeded also who knows, is possible we are born for each other. What do you think of it? I can hope only for me directly. But sometimes I so wish to feel a strong shoulder close to me... Yes, I want the real the person for family creation. Jonah , I have the most serious intentions. Therefore I am very happy, that have met you. To me our dialogue is very pleasant.

For me not so distinction of age is important, it will not be important for me. These days I so strongly I wait for your letter. It as a sweet dream... It is other world for me. Now I should finish mine the letter. I wait with alarm your answer. Also I want, to ask you:

the friend from other country had you ever? Whether it is valid important for you a nationality? Jonah , you love what food? I would like to discuss it with you tomorrow.

Your friend Natalya!!!!

So she’s getting cuter and the hair thing is nice.  I’m also now going to use these lines so you know when the letter is done because these are ridiculous. Here is what I wrote:

Good Morning Nastytala,

Many thanks for your long letters, I always look forward to your words and poetic license you've taken with the English language.  Your license should be revoked. 

I cannot believe you did all of that schooling for such little pay, clearly you never studied economics. You could make much more being on the internet as a pretty girl or running a scam of some sort. Where does your friend Anna now live? It would be fun to meet one of your friends - do you have photos of her? I’m guessing she is on the internets. 

What are you doing this summer? Maybe you can visit me in Paris? Perhaps we can speak on the cell phone sometime soon? That would be really nice.  I don’t understand your quote ‘the Fierce truth is better than sweet lie’.  Actually it (the fierce truth) is better than a sweet lie and a few other things:

1) rap music

2) women with facial hair, specifically sideburns

3) the Obama administration

4) most of the solo stuff Robert Plant has put out since Zepplin broke up. 

I don’t mind a sweet lie, but I love just about anything with caramel.  Not a camel, but caramel.  I’m sure you won’t understand this point.  You’re amazing.

I do not mind that you are from Russia, a blonde woman is a blonde woman - it makes listening to complaining much easier, plus my wife has a RUssian hairdresser and something special tells me that you won’t read this in great detail and certainly won’t realize that I just mentioned my wife (Hi Greta)!

I bet we would have a lot of fun to share about our different cultures. I do love Russian food. My favorite restaurant in London is called Vodka (spelled Wodka). Delicious flavored vodkas, bear, boar and other wild animals are all done very well.  I wonder if you have the McDonalds? 

Please do not wait with alarm.  Sometimes I wish you’d stop trying to write to me in English, it’s a disgrace but sweet.  Like your dream which is full of jibber jabber I suppose.  Lastly, it is not valid important for me a nationality.  It’s nice but not valid important.

Until we chat again,


PS – have you ever been swallowed by a giant whale?  I was.  It’s in the Bible.

Then the crazy writes this:

x_89c5f337 (2)Hello my dear friend Jonah .

I very happy to see your letter, and I I think you happy will see my also (ME: YES!  WHO DOESN’T WANT TO SEE HER ALSO!) . I am always very happy, to receive yours letters. My girlfriend lives in New Jersey. Leave me your phone number and as an opportunity, I'll call you. By the way, I have good news to you, near to my house is the cafe Internet. And now I can write is more often to you, after work and during week-end. Today I would like to speak with you about food. I very much like to prepare. If I did not work as the bookkeeper, possibly I became the cook. Cookery - the health basis, cherishing a family life. I know many recipes dishes. I love tasty and healthy foodstuff. Yes, the food should be it is useful for health, it is the most important.Jonah , I very much love a potato and various, Various dishes from this vegetable. When I come home, at first I begin to prepare for me something is direct tasty. Mhh... I very much I love those moments when my friends arrive to me. Always I try to be prepared for their meeting. I prepare various delicacies from fish, a various kind of meat. I always try that my friends have estimated my abilities in cookery, and almost always it happens. Also I very much I like to bake pies.Jonah , you know what is "the Russian pies"? It is the groceries of the filling which have been wrapped up in the test, and baked in an oven. Most the important do not use a microwave.

Otherwise taste it becomes absolute another, besides it it is awfully baked completely. If all to do, correctly it is divine taste!!! You should eat this thing sometime... All my friends have estimated it. I have started to prepare, when I was 15 years old. I helped mum on kitchen. It has learnt me to all that was able itself. I very much love my friends. Now YOU in my life... You my friend Also. I can think so? I very much would like, to think that you my FRIEND. I really want the nobility you to speak with you, to take your hand and to see your eyes. Possibly it is very sincere now, but it is true, and I do not wish to hide it. I always speak true, and I do not love, when people - lie. I hate it. I very much love to dream. I am a dreamer.... I do not know well, it is or it is bad. Since the childhood I dreamt. My teacher anyhow has told to us: "you should forget about your dreams!"

It has told, that dreams do not bring happiness. She has told, that dreams bring only a pain and disappointment. There can be it was right. Actually dreams are carried out not always. It happens, you should make everything, all forces and all yours aspiration to reach this purpose. But it is frequent - insufficiently. No all in this life depends on us. Destiny! Its strong and invisible hands easily reconstruct people of hearts and a life. When you have dream, your life is filled sense. With dream, the life becomes more interesting and more various. You begin to think, analyze, choose, and to do the decision. And each small victory, each won the obstacle in your way to the dream, everyone after a step to your dream brings the big pleasure. Your heart is filled by belief and hope. And you are inspired with thing which waits for you in the end. You remember pleasure of victories and the won purposes it is better than a pain of losses and disappointments. For this purpose judge, that I like to dream, though my dreams are carried out not so often as I want. I surprised, that I write you all it. Jonah , I never had the person with whom I can divide my ideas. But now I have found you, and I am very happy. I do not judge people whence they - or what colour of a skin they. Your letters - a unique thing for me, out of Russia. Your letters - a part of my life now. I very much would like so to think.

And I appreciate it very much. You became very important for me. And to be frank, I being afraid to lose you. Forgive to me for my frankness. If I offended you anyway, or the caused inconveniences, forgive to me please. Do not stop write to me. Write me everyone day even if I cannot answer you every day. I will answer you anyhow. Jonah , your letters give to me, forces, and my day is filled by pleasure. I hope, you have not become angry. I will look forward your letter. And now I wish to set to you some questions: Women in your country are engaged in the house economy, cooking ? What do you think of me ? For me very important your opinion on me. I wait for your letter.

Yours Natalya...

So based on the photo, I’m pretty sure this is Lindsey Lohan, actually I think it’s now Lindsay™.  In real life this one is a babbler.  She goes on and on and on and on.  This is what I had to say:

Hi Nick-nack,

I am travelling right now - so I do not have much time to write to you. I will write soon - thank you for your note and photo! Keep sending those because that’s all I really look at.  I don’t really care for your talk of food and Russian meat pies and your dislike of the microwave.  Why no microwave?  Is it the whole Chernobyl thing that’s got you down on radiation?  

If you’re only making 250 euro a month, I’m pretty sure you’re not eating much.  I mean, after the fancy sunglasses and hair bows and stuffed animals is there really any left over? 

Listen to your teacher, forget your dreams.  They’re not real and you said it best ‘there can be it was right’ – well thought and really inspirational, certainly words to live by. 

You should consider me, a male nurse.  Do you think I dreamed of this job?  I am abused by many people because being a nurse is a job for a woman, but I don’t believe in dreams I believe in paying the bills and unlike you, I actually make decent money but more like $250 a DAY.  I’d also like this business about your dreams to also stop.  So no, please let us talk no more of your cooking or dreams.  It’s ok, I hope this does not make you feel bad.  I think your plan is solid, you should very much would like so to think.  Give it a whirl. 

What do I think of you?  I think you are amazing. Do you know you were very Frank twice?  I was wondering who this Frank was, perhaps you know him?  I don’t know who this Frank Ness is, but do not think of him.  Think only of me and the big pleasure.  Consider studying more and let us speak of finger paints soon.  I call shotgun.

In closing, I’m really excited to have given you forces. I think you’re pretty great but am not looking forward to having a conversation in person with a woman who speaks as a 4 year old despite your amazingly ineffective studies in English but that is ok.  The house economy you ask?  No, women here are off at the beauty parlor, tennis clubs and roller rinks.  It’s amazing anyone here has a well run house.  Heck, I’ll pay you $250 a month to cook, clean and keep my male nurse outfit lightly starched.  Go Lance.

Cheers and skid marks,


Monday, May 2, 2011

I know, that now I commit errors, but I hope, that you will not be becomes angry.

Of course you have.  Are you such stupid?

And what do preposterous statements of broken English bordering on the abilities of a 3 year old mean?  That’s right Natalya is back!  I’m not going to argue with her that I swear I now have pictures of 3 different women but who can argue with this fine lady?  Plus, she’s on some sort of useless pumpkin coach in her latest photo, I have no idea where the teddy bear is.

It turns out, she doesn’t really read my questions.  She didn’t even check out my calves because she didn’t pass out from awesomeness.  So here’s what she wrote (she’s a bit of a chatter box today).  I ran 12.5 miles yesterday.  Give me a prize. 

x_174ced7d (4)

Hello Jonah !

I am very happy to receive the letter from you today. I - very much happy, that All of you still have, desire to write to me. It is very good, that my answer about volume that I live in Russia does not confuse you. Your country seems to me very interesting and certainly differs from my. I like to learn all new.  We live far apart... It is very big distance for both of us. But it the distance only seems big. It at all does not frighten me. It seems to me especially interesting. Unless you do not think so?

I read in the newspaper (it was during long time back) that in other countries (Europe and the North America) meets a situation, that women are more careless than men. Whether it is valid truly? I very much would like to study your opinion, Also, why you search for the woman on the Internet? I - for the first time I have acquaintance through the Internet. Now I wish to tell to you about me directly. I never was married, and I wish to marry. I want, to meet someone who wants to have an amicable and strong family. I require someone who is fair, also It is careful, warm and sexual.

I wish to have the friend who later (if all is correct), could to become the friend is more than only. The most important parts of relations - love, trust and understanding. These three things should be present together. The love is important, but you should to trust blindly to other person, If really love it because you should know its real love - you, it is final you.

You probably have a question "why the Russian women search for husbands in other countries”.

As from many reasons, I think, and first of all - an economic level of Russia. The Russian men cannot care of their family. They are very lazy. They drink much and at times very roughly concern women and a family, I do not want such future. If they receive many money, anyhow they also start to spend everything to drink alcohol or on other women. In our country of women it is more than men. Russian women operate housekeeping, lift children and has a permanent job at the same time.

There is an opinion that the Russian men degrade now. I wish to marry abroad as I am interested in my future. I wish to have a usual, quiet life though I should leave my friends and Culture. It is very difficult. Here only a few reasons, why I - still one, I think, that it is better to be lonely than to be with someone and to be the unfortunate. I have no children, but I would like to have them. I think, that I would be good mother. I live with the parents, mum and the daddy, at us very amicable family. My mum call - Svetlana, to it of 50 years and it very much worry that I ones . But it completely supports me in my opinion about to family. My daddy - Vladimir to it 53. It the real man also is always ready to come on the help in any situation.

I like to visit cinema and to read books. I have much free times after my work, therefore I have possibility to read. I love various love stories, detectives and very much, very much I love the classical Russian literature. Also I love various music. When to me it is sad, I listen to slow, sensual music.  Jazz and blues. When I have good mood, I listen to modern music. The American music, very pleasant to me Jeniffer Lopez, Aerosmith, Moby and other American groups. In the winter I go, to ski and the fads.  That you like to do at leisure.

My hobby if probably to tell so - English language. I loved English language during long time when I studied in to school. The training program necessarily includes a foreign language in Russia, as rule - English language, the German or the French language. I have entered English group language and I am still happy, that I have made it. After school, I continued to study English language at institute. I know, that now I commit errors, but I hope, that you will not be becomes angry.

I wait your answer Jonah.  I have many ideas about which I will write in following letters. I send you my photos and I will look forward your photos.

Your friend Natalya.

So after taking a half day to read all that junk – including this business about the pleasant American music such as Jeniffer Lopez and Moby – I wrote back. 

Hello my Friend Natalya. 

Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Thank you again for the photo and lovely but sadly letter.  I search for women on the internet frequently, I find many but most are just pictures and not real people I think – many good videos too.

I have no doubt Russian men are as you say: cannot care of their family, they are very lazy, they drink much and at times very roughly concern women and a family, and they receive many money, they also start to spend everything to drink alcohol or on other women.  Actually, these men sound like American women.  That whole part about spending everything on drinking and women does not sound too bad too me, but I depends upon many other factors like: is tomorrow a work day, am I behind the wheel right now and should I be watching the kids or are these roller skates on my feet and how did they get there or do I know this woman is a woman?

You sound like a lovely woman and I can appreciate the lifting of children.  As a male nurse I do a lot of lifting, if you haven’t noticed sick people are generally in bed, laying down and being lazy.  Do you want children and a family?  I do very much but more so with a partner who desires such things as children.  Do you have any pets?  A dog or cat perhaps?  I am interested in your thoughts and generally assassination of my language. 

I like your carriage, where was this photo taken?  Perhaps you have more pictures – you always look different but very pretty.  I think you might want another hobby, other than English.  It’s not really a hobby – I’m guessing you maybe have other talents?  I look forward to you ignoring most of my questions. I suppose it is still winter and you’re likely off to the ski or the fads.

Do you travel?  I am going to visit Paris this summer, would you possibly be interested in meeting me there? 

Warm regards and sweaters,