Thursday, December 15, 2011

Yes my name Olga.

Well, I could write about my training (bike and run right now) and how I traded a run this morning for laying in bed with 2 little girls snoring on me or how instead of minutes I run, my workouts are measured in cookie guilt – i.e. I need to run 4 cookies and 1 egg nog (aka 45 mins). 
But I’d like to introduce my latest and dearest best friend from Russia – OLGA! 
I know, you’re thrilled to read about the latest Russian scammer who believes I’m a single male Dentist named Roy.  And with that… meet Olga (she writes a LOT, so I’m cutting some of her babbling).

Hello Roy! I am very glad to see your letter, I really thought, that you cannot write to me, but today when I have arrived from work, I saw these small news, the letter. Fairly very much even it is pleasant for me, to see your message.
School time has departed, we grew, and all has exchanged.
Strange it a life. I think, what you read my structure, I have really tried to create it as it probably is better, I hope, what it liked you?
But if you have not read it which do not fluctuate, set to me questions, and I will necessarily answer you......
I will be very glad to you to answer. You like to dance, or you can like to sing?
I will tell not so about me directly: My new friend that we continued the dialogue which I wish to tell to you very important thing, That I live in Russia, I hope, have not upset you this truth because I start to build any relations with trues, Actually it is the most important, that relations have been constructed on mutual trust and the truth.
I wish to find the person of my dream with whom I will feel the existing woman whom on desire to be unique with which I will really, it is happy, And I know, that I can give it also most of all. I already had earlier dialogue with the person through the Internet, but in what good It has been finished by me, have received a pain and disappointment in this person, and now I cannot find, I search for what person, therefore I continue the search.
The life is interesting also who does not know, as our destiny will turn, many speak it directly, we build destiny, But from a part it is not correct, because we do not know, when we meet the person as our relations will develop further, Which that person I can be valid, you search, and I, that the person which are necessary for you and us, prevent nothing to try to study each other, Suddenly it is our destiny which we will start to build together))), I would be very glad, if you have sent me the photos.
If you have any images you, please send them to me. I really wish to see you. I would like to see images on your work on your house with Your friends, everywhere. Thanks for dedication me your free time.
Yes my name Olga.
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So there you go.  Olga.  Not the best one we’ve seen but clearly the worst written I’ve had to date.  So I sent her the photo of Roy the dentist and this note:
Wow, you are quite pretty, sort of (a tick jowley). Your email is confusing but I get the gist of your crazy train, I shall sit in coach. YOU LIVE IN RUSSIA? Wow, that's far. Where in Russia? What is your job? I am a dentist and unlike Hermie, being a dentist is not really a job for a misfit.  I live in a state called California. Perhaps you know this? You should unless you've been slinging a pick-axe for the past 35 years or yolking oxen. How old are you? I can tell you must be under 30 based on your under-bite. You are lovely. Please send more pictures and possibly more insanity. Lastly, have your eyebrows moved lately?  I am the 99% and enjoy egg nog.
Yours,
Dr. Roy
PS: do you have any student debt?
Good morning.
Probably it not morning in general in your city, but give, it takes the resume. Morning - my favourite time of day - because the beginning From the new day, the new moments of a life and new miracles to stand. I trust miracles, and I know, that they exist. Our life - surprise, and a way with which we have found all Other surprise, and sunrise - surprise also! So, allow our increase in the sun ;-) We do not know each other however, but I believe, that all people have something good in them, and are not it big when people try to see these good parties In each other, also accept others in the friendly way? So, ;-) if you trust the same then, I think, that we become friends very soon, Also open new page in our lives. What most important thing in your life?
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I am very cheerful person, and I have a common sense of humour, it also is very important in a life, the humour helps me to consult to many difficulties In a life. You know, I am assured, that if the person has a purpose and it has a belief in which, he will achieve always by all means success and for this reason me Try to be the resolute person instead of to surrender even if something does not go a way which I want. It was pleasant to receive for me the letter from you.
What do you search on the Internet?
What did you think of me when has received my letter?
Thus I am possible, I can to try to tell something more about me, and I believe, that you will read it:) What I - search in the person? - I wish to find the person, which compensation with me will be, who will not do me bad and sick, who will be valid to respect and To love me who will answer me with mutual feelings and who is not going to use me, or even to try to use. I will not forgive it. I am very brave, Both resolute. And sometimes the woman is much more dangerous then men. But I think, that you not such person, also that us has been reduced by advantage Circumstances :) I am interested in the person who is fair, lifted, reliable, care, and has common sense of humour. I search for the optimistic and joyful person.
I would like, that it was the care and the devoted friend fascinated and love to the husband. And very much I wish to study, About people who are in far from me for thousand miles, behind huge oceans, about traditions, about their culture, about you...., it will be very much Pleasant for me to exchange with you about a life, about work. I
5,6 that, and 122 pounds, about which my birthday April, 16 1983. I live in city Arsk, in the Russian Federation.
My religion: the Christian. I - the charming, moderate, cautious woman. I am a good listener, and I reach the purposes which I have formulated. I - very sociable, thoughtful, Kind, and the optimistic person. I am joyful, charming and intellectual, cautious and gentle. And to what your work is connected?
I am really very glad, which you have written me, and I hope to you too very much, it will be pleasant to receive my letter.
Dear Roy big to you thanks for your pictures, they very much were pleasant to me.
I work in a kindergarten as the tutor, and very much to be pleasant to me my work as I work with children, and children I very strongly love.
I am right? But if I find the person who will be my second half in my life I will make everything, that it can to become happy, I will give this all which finishes The requirement from the woman, we will create a strong family! I will be the best friend for this purpose, and I will help to make all which it should make.
The person and the woman not simple people who loves all others, they are partners, and the best friends in a life. If I find the person who will live even in The cold North, I will live with it there even if it will be very bad. I search for the person, which can to see second half in me who will be convinced it I - its woman who will be convinced, that we can to become happy. I am glad, that we continue the correspondence, and I hope, that we will be and to Develop our relations further. I want the friend, you ask Roy, and I hope, that my question as will not offend you. I ask it because I wish to know It and I want, that we were fair with each other. Whether I am valid, is unique, whether to whom you correspond really?
I hope, that my question as has not offended you. As I am valid also just as not, I wish to offend you.
I wait for your letter. Your remote girlfriend Olga.
Then I didn’t write for like a day and she sends this:
Hello! What with you happens? Why you have ceased to write to me? I than that have offended you? I can to you is not nice any more and you do not wish to communicate with me? If it is all so that you to me tell please. I wait from you for your letters with answers. Olga.
Then I sent this:
Dear Olga,
I am sorry, I have been away at a dental convention in Delaware. The joys of over-bite correction! How are you? Your photos are stunning. I find myself hoping to see more photos of you on my daily commute as I listen to Michael Bubble's new Christmas album. Do you have Christmas? Tis the season!  Weird that you are 5’6” and 122 lbs, I appreciate the conversion to our measurement system!  You have offended me a bit though I do find you valid and cautious – which of course you mentioned over 21 times.  What do you think of irony?  Not the stuff from elephant tusks.  If you could, please reflect on your words you have written to me with much love and insanity:
I hope, that my question as has not offended you. As I am valid also just as not, I wish to offend you.
So true Olga. 
Regards and please floss
Dr Roy

Friday, December 2, 2011

Thank You Sir

It’s 37 out and probably raining.  If it’s not, it will be by the time I’m ready to go out and ride – so I gave up and have mounted my S-Works Venge to my Cyclops trainer for a few weeks.  I’ve learned my lesson (I think) by riding with Marky V and getting sick and then riding with Rhae and getting sick (she promised it wasn’t raining) – I’m 2 for 2.  So after weeks of coughing and recovery – I’m on a trainer 4-5 days a week for 90 mins of awful or my new Precor treadmill for brief but frequent runs (not like you get in Mexico).  I’m also riding by myself for the rest of the year.  People make me sick.

So because I get to work before 8am… I’m getting up @ 4:30am, so I can on the bike and while sort of awake to do these kinds of workouts shown below…

Here’s a super fun run (who said treadmills were boring?) that I did after riding.  Believe it or not, I do add hills (2-5% grade for 2-5 mins) but not a whole lot of change in the HR. This is a solid but slow 2.25 mile run.

image 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here is my ride – nice warm up, some efforts in Z2 (mostly) and some brief time in Z3. 

image

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or this – where I do a warm up into high zone 1, then I think 10-15 mins of 1 legged drills and the some efforts in Z2 followed by a cool down.

image

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So that’s it – lots of running and biking.  Well, not lots but more than I was doing when I was sick.  A workout when I’m sick, looks sad like this (slow and then sadder and sadder and more sad).  The goal is to keep working on fitness, drop some weight and stay healthy.

image

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Stuff(ing) about me

So this could be a bland update because later today there’s going to be lots of flavor and vegetables and turkey and stuffing and I can’t take all of that in one day. 

Photo (10)Photo (11)Photo (12)Photo (15)Photo (16)Photo (17)

I’m building nicely for 2012 – both for cycling and even maybe triathlon.  I’ll be riding with the Hagens Berman cycling team next season, hopefully giving me some more speed on the bike.  I’ll be training with the goals of racing well at the state time trial champs and a in handful of early season road races.  Because the weather is horrible and I’m such a fair weather baby, it seems like I’m doing the bulk of my quality work on the trainer in the garage.  If I’m not heads down in the dark, you can find my stuff here http://app.strava.com/athletes/lorpeedo (the watts they calculate are way off from my power meter).  Being sick from Oct 1 to about a week ago, it didn’t help with the quality or quantity of my workouts – but I still got out a bit and managed to maintain a little fitness. 

I’m also running and figured that I was making too many excuses not to run in the cold, dark and wet at 5:30am, so I got a treadmill.  I’m ramping up the run slowly – very slowly. 

I’m running 20 mins a day, 6 days a week starting around a 9:23 pace.  I mix up the incline a bit doing long climbs, short steep hills and always end the run with a little bit of zip.  I’m increasing time by 2 mins every other week and pace on weeks where the pace doesn’t go up – so it looks a little like this:

Week

Pace

Time

1

9:23

20 mins

2

9:17

20 mins

3

9:17

22 mins

4

9:11

22 mins

5

9:11

24 mins

6

9:04

24 mins

7

9:04

26 mins

See, easy but not that exciting.  Depending on how I feel, I’ll continue this schedule and see how it works for me – running consistently and frequently really makes a difference for me – not to mention how much weight falls off.  Because I’m focusing on bike racing for the first part of the season, I don’t want to run TOO much – but this schedule gets me to about 35 mins a day x 6 days @ 8:30 pace by the end of January, which is somewhere north of 25 miles a week. 

That’s it for now….  more frequent and entertaining updates soon. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Promise

See, I said I’d write something. 

Then I was given a link to a blog post that said that humor was useful in blogging and even gave some ideas about how to be funny.  They were mostly crappy ideas and didn’t even mention using Russian women scams, poop stories or anything even remotely related to egg nog or zone 4 training.  They did say, don’t make ethnic or political jokes. 

So no jokes about Asian Drivers (they’re terrible, generally but good at math, gymnastics and swimming, but as I’ve observed circle swimming, not so good).  My friend who is Chinese says that Chinese men are generally just pretty awful, so me limiting it to driving is just incorrect and somewhat offensive.  Old people are actually the ones who nail just about anyone not in a car where we live, so there.  I’m also an awesome driver, except I rarely drive more than 4 miles to get the kids from school. So everyone is generally a bad driver from my perspective.

And we don’t joke about politics because that’s serious business, and I’m a Republican and don’t understand half of the candidates and I’m not a fan of everyone having the same vote.  I think if you want to vote you should produce a single page P&L for your household. 

It should be true and not made up like your taxes and loan applications are.

Then you’ll for SURE have some sense that it’s often a best-practice to have more income than debt/expenses.  Michelle Bachman is also crazy but better looking than the rest, except for Mitt Romney who I DO like because I figure a guy who can raise 73 kids and make more money than I will ever see must have a few ideas about how to cobble together a respectable P&L.  I was also at his house and if there’s someone who can figure out how to keep a place like that paid for and tidy with 113 kids, they’re worthy (I’m counting grandkids or rather estimating the people I saw there).

He also has truly amazing hair. 

Though I do think the occupy wall street protests are ridiculous, but only in Seattle where they (the unemployed by choice) will protest anything except poor Asian driving and crappy highway merge skills and old people who are constantly nailing people in Mercer Island crosswalks.

Sorry for that.  I promise I will work on my non-offensive skills. 

So here we go:

The girls got new books.  About being girls. 

Which includes amazing tidbits on how boys and girls are different from boys.  If you’re kids are learning to read, they read out loud.  They don’t know lots of words and it’s uncomfortable. 

So now, I have 2 kids who know about the 5 stages of breast development and that I apparently have a penis and how to wash your public area. 

Yes, public. 

juggalo-12[1]I didn’t correct her, I only said that it better never be a public area.  At least Greta understood it.

I also learned about training bras, sports bras and padded bras.  It did not explain how to braid hair which is where I’m really struggling and I sent Piper to swimming looking like a juggalette.  See picture… (these are people who are inspired by clowns, a lot of poorly executed braids and likely part of the 99%).

So if you’ve got questions, I’m full of this new knowledge and am available to speak at your next dinner, birthday or retirement party. 

I could also do an abbreviated luncheon talk. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

See…. new post

Really it’s just a teaser.  I’ll write a post when the girls are at swim practice.  In the meantime, we’ve figured Piper has Tourette's or a 6 year old version of it which includes pirate worthy burping, cowboy sized farts and her latest outburst from the back seat as we sat in traffic ‘STUPID CAR GET OUT OF THE WAY’.  I’m glad to see some east coast genes in her but not necessarily those. 

More later.

Pumpkin Pride.

IMG_1907

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I Played Golf

I haven’t played much.  But I played – here are the highlights:

The first time I ever played 18 holes was in high school with my friend Pete who went on to become an F-18 pilot for the US Marine Corps via the USNA.  We focused on getting tans and that meant cut off t-shirts. 

We were paired up with a pair of 80+ year old Catholic Priests.  We didn’t know a single rule and the first one we learned is not to talk.  I’m sure this is not the first time a priest said that. 

So we tee up and my first hit is awesome (yeah, I called it a hit because I don’t remember what they’re called).  It flies off the tee (they made us play the women’s tees) and hits some timber around the tee box and instantly flies about 50 yards in the air and at least 25 yards backwards.  So with my first swing, I’m actually in the parking lot behind everyone.  I learned the concept of the mulligan which I used on my first stroke. 

I then stopped trying to get to the pin on each swing, I simply wanted to find my ball.  I adopted a pink-lady women’s ball because I could find it in the field, forest and water more easily. 

I then went to school in Florida where it was sunny and not New Hampshire and where you could get college credit for Golf and where they had heated outdoor pools, free reggae shows and girls from New Jersey.  I did well in it (golf class and college overall), learned lots of rules and my golf partner was a Hooter’s Girl.  I never missed a class.  Golf Class.  I miss you Jackie. 

I don’t think I’ve played since college but I have grown fond of golf carts.  In Paris we drove one around at Versailles which is how the kings of france would have done it.  Except I had to pay for my hard cider and merlot and I had to use my cell phone to play Billy Idol as we scared small children and old people driving around.  This weekend we had a gas powered one which is WAY faster and you can put something like 8 kids on it and 4 year olds can drive them. 

Like escalators, I didn’t have a golf cart around while growing up – so I find them to be lots of fun.  Mopeds are probably in that same category but I’m not a girl, so I really can’t get myself a moped and be a role model to my kids.  I’m sort of excited to be old and will likely own a place in a ‘senior community’ just so I can ride a golf cart around everywhere. 

Stuff I learned about golf carts:

  • don’t get the electric ones
  • they can take a jump but not elegantly
  • you have to know that kids will jump off of it while driving, having them run to jump back on is more fun than when they fall off.
  • they have beer holders, not cup holders
  • they will flip.  Even with 4 people on them
  • they skid awesome
  • you can knock yourself out of them while driving.  bad when a 4 year old is on your lap at the wheel.

So with that, please go.

I’ll write about my new awesome bike next. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Don’t Make Any Sense

IMG_1271I don’t.  To most people I don’t.  I don’t think I do.  I sort of get bored and move on to the next thing but this doesn’t always work in a conversation.  Or at work.  I’m pretty sure this blog is the longest I can go with one sort of theme at a time.  I do go to be every night, so I’m consistent there.  Everything else is random but it’s not. 

This is sort of what I do at work.  I look at what appears to be a lot of random stuff, which isn’t and then find someone smarter than me to do some math to show that it isn’t random.  Then I’m right.  I love being right.

So back to what I was saying…

Here’s an example of not making sense, essentially my thoughts in a day.

5am alarm… turn off, I could run but I need a rest day.

I know it’s tuesday but my new week begins on tuesday. Thus it’s a rest day.

I could watch the tour and get something out of that, I’ll call it training.

That Thomas Voeckler guy licks his lips a lot, maybe his family has a history of downs.  Maybe his lips are chapped.  He should call grandma.

Why does Sesame Street use a lot of retarded kids.  John John wasn’t, but I think the rest were.  I’m not supposed to say retarded.

I’m not saying special, special is special, retarded is not special. Seems like a lot of work.

How many days can I really wear bike shorts, 2 max I think though it’s really about miles.  Then it’s like 60 miles max or 2x 30.  I ride alone, who cares.

I’d like a beach house somewhere.  I should look.

I hate taxes, I think I paid more since January.  $45,000 is a lot to me.  Seriously.  Those are just extra from 08 and 09.  I hate taxes.

I forgot the hotwings in the fridge with the chicken and taters.  I do that a lot. 

I forgot my pants today.  Rode into work. 

Hit 937 watts on my commute.  Turns out pulling out in front of cars on a busy road will be a regular part of my training.

I tried to go over 450w at least 15 times on my morning commute.  I’m sure this is good training for something.

Sada practiced her T1 and T2 (triathlon stuff) yesterday about 10x.  She’s seriously amazing.  We even practiced mount like back up scenarios.  She got it. 

I sat down next to an 11 year old kid who was a prodigy on the piano.  We talked about tiramisu.  Seriously.  He made it with chopsticks because he didn’t have a hand-mixer for the egg whites.  He also enjoys hot dogs, his one hour a week of World of Warcraft, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.  He also said he liked kids who were 14-15 more than his peers but didn’t say why.  For going into 7th grade I thought he was pretty small.  He said he didn’t like sports.  I sort of glossed over at that point.

I don’t understand asian drivers.  Just go faster.  You’re good at numbers, make the needle go to 60 on the highway. 

I’d never buy a Camry. 

I understand how people need a Prius, but still figure it’s better to carpool.  How much energy and resources did it take to make a new prius?  A lot.  Where do the batteries go when they are dead?

I love Motley Crue and Steely Dan.  Those two bands should never meet.  It wouldn’t be pretty.

I’m annoyed that people do races for fun. 

Americans are fat.  I don’t think we should be. 

In Paris this lady walks up to this cashier at a store and says ‘how much is this with the discount’.  He says in a super heavy accent, I don’t know.  She walks off.  We get to him and throw a few bonjours around and he speaks perfect english to us.  Says he’s going on vacation to Vancouver BC but hates Texans because they’re rednecks.  We agreed.  Then ate dinner without our friend from Texas who was complimented everywhere in Paris on his amazing French that he learned by living in France.  He is not a redneck.

I found money in 3 different pieces of clothing I wore in 1 day.  It was $7. 

I’m hardly ever offended.  Except by people who are easily offended.  This is pretty much every elected official and stay at home moms. 

I said pretty much above, in case you were offended. 

I could spend every day with my family and never get tired of them. 

My wife makes a big dinner with at least 3 salads just about every night of the week.  I look in the fridge and say ‘pizza night’ if I offer to cook.

I should stretch more.  I love french toast but syrup has a lot of calories. 

I love when my kids succeed at something and know it. 

I don’t believe in ‘I’m sorry’, I just say don’t do it again or draw me a picture or something.

I have a hard time throwing away anything my kids do.  I hate seeing salad go to waste.

I don’t let the kids waste water and we never mis-treat books.

I think the mona liza is smiling but she isn’t pretty to begin with. 

The best reality show isn’t real.  The housewives of the OC is awesome. 

I want to have enough money to write a screenplay and get it made. 

I would sleep in a bunk bed a lot if I was allowed to.  By allowed to, I mean having one in my room.  I suppose Greta could sleep on the bottom bunk.  Or maybe a big queen size bunk bed. 

I don’t like knowing the ending of a book or movie.  Or a stage in a bike race. 

Lazy annoys me.  Like a lot.  I don’t like to waste time.  Though watching a bike race on TV for 4 hours is not considered wasting time.  This is why I have my own house. 

I want a new bike, my current road bike feels noodle-y.  It’s probably not but I think it does.

I wonder how smelly it was in ‘olden times’. 

See that’s a big list of random stuff.  I think I wrote that in 5 minutes.  I guess the takeaway from this post is to feel bad for Greta.  She can follow most of what I say, in fact I don’t remember the last time she didn’t.  I have a hard time following others.  I also only like the first 1:30 of most songs. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

It Stinks a Little

I noticed I haven’t written a post in like 2 months.  I should have waited 2 more days but I have at least 11 things to say.  I sort of have to write this because I’ll go to meetings at work with people I see all the time and they say, “I found your blog’ and then people who don’t feel left out and then they read it.  Sometimes during that meeting and it is awkward.  My PT read it because another PT there read it who treated my wife.  My doctor read it and didn’t like it but at least he read it. My family reads it.  And I’m sure all 11 Facebook friends read it.  In short, I have to write something so I don’t have to explain why I didn’t write anything.  Here’s a list of stuff that kept me from writing and sadly I’m tired of those Russian women but I’ll provide you with one last bikini photo of Natalya who basically made me so tired that I stopped responding. 

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See, she’s lovely but a big chatter box.  You’re fired.

I did this:

  • I watched every televised second of the Giro.  It’s a bike race in Italy.  It wasn’t in Hi Def, but I still watched it.  I mean, I used to watch UHF channels that were wicked staticky.  That took 2-3 hrs a day in May. 
  • Then we moved.  That took like a week.  We didn’t move until the Giro was over though. 
  • I also wrecked my calf running a lot and decided that drinking beer was better than running
  • Discovered margaritas.
  • Found that it’s hard to get up the next day to watch the Tour of Switzerland and Tour of California if you’ve had too many margaritas. 
  • Ran out of tequila and moved over to mojitos but didn’t fix the whole ‘it’s hard to get up’ problem.
  • Had a birthday party for my daughters which included a dozen little girls, a dozen baby bunnies, 2 ponies and found that when you say 2-4pm on an invite doesn’t really mean people leave at 4.  No bunnies were killed.  See picture: pony party.

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  • Got a lot of emails from parents telling me their daughter wants a bunny and/or pony and thank you very much.
  • I taught my girls how to play lacrosse without breaking anything.
  • I ran out of stuff to drink mostly and moved back to water.  I found that elastic waisted shorts and spandex do have their limits.  Got back on the bike and ran further than the fridge.
  • The Tour de France started, no time for exercise now.  Have to drink French wine while watching the coverage.  I try and do 45 sit ups each day in order to experience pain on the same level as the riders.  I bet 60 sit ups is like Hors Catagorie. 
  • I took the kids hiking.  Because my kids are ridiculous, I laughed the whole time and wrote down their gibberish:
    • A man died right here on this bench (when seeing a bench with a dedication to a guy who died on Everest but they didn’t read past the part on the bench that said ‘he died’).  They wouldn’t sit on it either because they might die.  They freaked out when I sat on it.  I explained the sign.
    • A saw a rattlesnake once.  It was a stuffed animal. - Piper
    • Cavemen are dead now. - Piper (she carried this caveman like tool rock thingy for 5 miles and tried to get me to hold it every 32 feet).
    • If you scream 'bear' at the top of your lungs and run, you can totally make a 6 year old haul ass.  For about a mile.  Then you have to say, "I didn't really see a bear but I did see you run fast and that was better than seeing a bear".
    • I will carry this rock in case a bear or black widow tries to kill us.  I could also cut salmon with it.  (Piper and then Sada)
    • I know the way, make sure to follow me (neither of these kids had any idea where they were going) - Piper
    • More stairs? This is killing me.  - Piper
    • They spotted and called out every possible rock and tree that could slip and kill us or trigger an avalanche which could also kill us.  We should have died a trillion times. - (mostly) Sada.
    • Will we die? (upon seeing the edge of the cliff we were on, the answer is “yes, but don’t because mom would get mad”) - Sada
    • Can we stop for a snack (said about a million times, approx. every 3 meters)? - Piper
    • I found another y.  (they pointed out every y made out of sticks they saw, roots included, there are about a billion of these). - Piper
    • Piper: it smells like a fart here.  Me: no it doesn’t.  Piper: well if I farted it would.
    • They also had a 10 min conversation in Chinese.  They don’t know Chinese but that didn’t stop them.
    • There was a song about kissing someone and then that song included someone taking their shirt off after kissing.  I ended the song.  Immediately.
    • They also wanted to know what it would be like to hike naked except for shoes.  I suggested waiting for doing this after college when I’m dead.
  • I went to Paris. For work. In July. With my wife. Seriously. For Work. 
    • There are lots of Americans in Paris.  You’d never spot them – well, maybe you could.  See below – can you find the couple from the US?  Yes, I know it’s mean.
    • I did rent a golf cart to drive around Versailles.  Not inside but outside.  Turns out you can buy wine and beer on the grounds and there were cup holders in the cart.  It also turns out you can do donuts in a golf cart, you can flip a golf cart while trying to do donuts on a sandy road going downhill even in France.  Thank goodness Greta screamed when we got that baby up on 2 wheels with 4 people aboard.  I would have let it flip.  I bet they would have given me another free hour if I got hurt.

IMG_1478

 

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So that’s it.  I’ll write something again.

Friday, May 13, 2011

I very much like children, I have no children, but in the future I shall be glad to have children

Ok, so here’s the update. 

I’m running, well I was then I hurt my amazing right calf a little and I had to take a few days off which is fine because I have to watch about 2.5 hours of bike racing a day (Tour of Italy aka The Giro or La Giro) which is going to be compounded even more with the Tour of California (aka Le Tour of California) starting this weekend.  That’s a lot of spandex, tv and me not doing anything for what feels like the entire month of May.  I’ll try and run this weekend to ensure I don’t turn into more of a cow.  Moo.  PS keep reading until it says the end.  I had to put a bunch of lines in this post so you’d better know when her babbling letters stop.

Here’s the rest of my dearest little Russian scammer for this week:


Hi! Today I was waiting for a response from you but you're not writing to me.

Why? You do not want me to talk or if you simply do not have time to write me a letter.

I would love to get to know you better and who knows what might end our acquaintance ...

Write me more about yourself! "Well, I must go and so I conclude my letter.

I hope that you write to me tomorrow, bye!

New friend Natalya!


I didn’t write back.  Seriously, this is work dealing with this pretend person – she’ll write every single day.  Then she follows up with a real epic pile of English language slaughter…. aka crapola.

x_84f6aa18 (2)Hello Jonah ! How - you today?

I hope, that you were happy to receive my letter because, when I receive your letter, I really happen is admired. Many thanks to you. I have absolutely understood everything, that you have written to me. As I already spoke to you that I I know English language more likely well. I very much like children, I have no children, but in the future I shall be glad to have children. I would like that kids ran on the house and pleased parents. And when children will grow they will please parents with the successes and to help the parents. I want to have two children of the boy and the girl. It seems to me that it is the biggest pleasure in life. Jonah , as you already know, I have no computer in my house and consequently I write to you from my work.

Therefore I regret, if not so quickly I answer your letter. I work since Monday till Friday and is very frequent on Saturday. My working day begins at 8:00 and last by 18:00. Sometimes I work till 19.00. But it is not easy, because my boss does not allow use the computer with the private the purposes. We have no unlimited access of the Internet on work. My monthly income - 10000 roubles, it approximately 250 euros. But as I live with parents, this money suffices also I even I can postpone gradually, as I like to travel. I travelled to Russia, I saw Moscow, Samara, St.-Petersburg, Sochi. But I never was in Europe.

Approximately 2 years I worked in Advertising agency. 5 people from our firm have left in the USA for training. Among these people there was my girlfriend with whom we are on friendly terms since the childhood - Anna. In the USA it Has met the man of the dream - Harry.

They have got acquainted directly on work, and them acquaintance has ended with wedding. Anna remained to live in the USA from Harry. They together already 2 years also wait for the child. I am very happy for it. We keep in touch with it. She also has advised to me to take advantage of the Internet for search of the only thing. Now I have found you Jonah ! I - very much to it and I think now of you. I tried to find love and happiness here, but I felt lie.

We have a proverb in Russia: the Fierce truth is better than sweet lie.

I think, that you are a fair person. Whether I am valid is right? I have many girlfriends, but I do not have beloved and from it to me is sad. But now when I have met you, my grief leaves when I see the letter from you. And I very much want that our relations proceeded also who knows, is possible we are born for each other. What do you think of it? I can hope only for me directly. But sometimes I so wish to feel a strong shoulder close to me... Yes, I want the real the person for family creation. Jonah , I have the most serious intentions. Therefore I am very happy, that have met you. To me our dialogue is very pleasant.

For me not so distinction of age is important, it will not be important for me. These days I so strongly I wait for your letter. It as a sweet dream... It is other world for me. Now I should finish mine the letter. I wait with alarm your answer. Also I want, to ask you:

the friend from other country had you ever? Whether it is valid important for you a nationality? Jonah , you love what food? I would like to discuss it with you tomorrow.

Your friend Natalya!!!!


So she’s getting cuter and the hair thing is nice.  I’m also now going to use these lines so you know when the letter is done because these are ridiculous. Here is what I wrote:

Good Morning Nastytala,

Many thanks for your long letters, I always look forward to your words and poetic license you've taken with the English language.  Your license should be revoked. 

I cannot believe you did all of that schooling for such little pay, clearly you never studied economics. You could make much more being on the internet as a pretty girl or running a scam of some sort. Where does your friend Anna now live? It would be fun to meet one of your friends - do you have photos of her? I’m guessing she is on the internets. 

What are you doing this summer? Maybe you can visit me in Paris? Perhaps we can speak on the cell phone sometime soon? That would be really nice.  I don’t understand your quote ‘the Fierce truth is better than sweet lie’.  Actually it (the fierce truth) is better than a sweet lie and a few other things:

1) rap music

2) women with facial hair, specifically sideburns

3) the Obama administration

4) most of the solo stuff Robert Plant has put out since Zepplin broke up. 

I don’t mind a sweet lie, but I love just about anything with caramel.  Not a camel, but caramel.  I’m sure you won’t understand this point.  You’re amazing.

I do not mind that you are from Russia, a blonde woman is a blonde woman - it makes listening to complaining much easier, plus my wife has a RUssian hairdresser and something special tells me that you won’t read this in great detail and certainly won’t realize that I just mentioned my wife (Hi Greta)!

I bet we would have a lot of fun to share about our different cultures. I do love Russian food. My favorite restaurant in London is called Vodka (spelled Wodka). Delicious flavored vodkas, bear, boar and other wild animals are all done very well.  I wonder if you have the McDonalds? 

Please do not wait with alarm.  Sometimes I wish you’d stop trying to write to me in English, it’s a disgrace but sweet.  Like your dream which is full of jibber jabber I suppose.  Lastly, it is not valid important for me a nationality.  It’s nice but not valid important.

Until we chat again,

Jonah.

PS – have you ever been swallowed by a giant whale?  I was.  It’s in the Bible.


Then the crazy writes this:

x_89c5f337 (2)Hello my dear friend Jonah .

I very happy to see your letter, and I I think you happy will see my also (ME: YES!  WHO DOESN’T WANT TO SEE HER ALSO!) . I am always very happy, to receive yours letters. My girlfriend lives in New Jersey. Leave me your phone number and as an opportunity, I'll call you. By the way, I have good news to you, near to my house is the cafe Internet. And now I can write is more often to you, after work and during week-end. Today I would like to speak with you about food. I very much like to prepare. If I did not work as the bookkeeper, possibly I became the cook. Cookery - the health basis, cherishing a family life. I know many recipes dishes. I love tasty and healthy foodstuff. Yes, the food should be it is useful for health, it is the most important.Jonah , I very much love a potato and various, Various dishes from this vegetable. When I come home, at first I begin to prepare for me something is direct tasty. Mhh... I very much I love those moments when my friends arrive to me. Always I try to be prepared for their meeting. I prepare various delicacies from fish, a various kind of meat. I always try that my friends have estimated my abilities in cookery, and almost always it happens. Also I very much I like to bake pies.Jonah , you know what is "the Russian pies"? It is the groceries of the filling which have been wrapped up in the test, and baked in an oven. Most the important do not use a microwave.

Otherwise taste it becomes absolute another, besides it it is awfully baked completely. If all to do, correctly it is divine taste!!! You should eat this thing sometime... All my friends have estimated it. I have started to prepare, when I was 15 years old. I helped mum on kitchen. It has learnt me to all that was able itself. I very much love my friends. Now YOU in my life... You my friend Also. I can think so? I very much would like, to think that you my FRIEND. I really want the nobility you to speak with you, to take your hand and to see your eyes. Possibly it is very sincere now, but it is true, and I do not wish to hide it. I always speak true, and I do not love, when people - lie. I hate it. I very much love to dream. I am a dreamer.... I do not know well, it is or it is bad. Since the childhood I dreamt. My teacher anyhow has told to us: "you should forget about your dreams!"

It has told, that dreams do not bring happiness. She has told, that dreams bring only a pain and disappointment. There can be it was right. Actually dreams are carried out not always. It happens, you should make everything, all forces and all yours aspiration to reach this purpose. But it is frequent - insufficiently. No all in this life depends on us. Destiny! Its strong and invisible hands easily reconstruct people of hearts and a life. When you have dream, your life is filled sense. With dream, the life becomes more interesting and more various. You begin to think, analyze, choose, and to do the decision. And each small victory, each won the obstacle in your way to the dream, everyone after a step to your dream brings the big pleasure. Your heart is filled by belief and hope. And you are inspired with thing which waits for you in the end. You remember pleasure of victories and the won purposes it is better than a pain of losses and disappointments. For this purpose judge, that I like to dream, though my dreams are carried out not so often as I want. I surprised, that I write you all it. Jonah , I never had the person with whom I can divide my ideas. But now I have found you, and I am very happy. I do not judge people whence they - or what colour of a skin they. Your letters - a unique thing for me, out of Russia. Your letters - a part of my life now. I very much would like so to think.

And I appreciate it very much. You became very important for me. And to be frank, I being afraid to lose you. Forgive to me for my frankness. If I offended you anyway, or the caused inconveniences, forgive to me please. Do not stop write to me. Write me everyone day even if I cannot answer you every day. I will answer you anyhow. Jonah , your letters give to me, forces, and my day is filled by pleasure. I hope, you have not become angry. I will look forward your letter. And now I wish to set to you some questions: Women in your country are engaged in the house economy, cooking ? What do you think of me ? For me very important your opinion on me. I wait for your letter.

Yours Natalya...


So based on the photo, I’m pretty sure this is Lindsey Lohan, actually I think it’s now Lindsay™.  In real life this one is a babbler.  She goes on and on and on and on.  This is what I had to say:

Hi Nick-nack,

I am travelling right now - so I do not have much time to write to you. I will write soon - thank you for your note and photo! Keep sending those because that’s all I really look at.  I don’t really care for your talk of food and Russian meat pies and your dislike of the microwave.  Why no microwave?  Is it the whole Chernobyl thing that’s got you down on radiation?  

If you’re only making 250 euro a month, I’m pretty sure you’re not eating much.  I mean, after the fancy sunglasses and hair bows and stuffed animals is there really any left over? 

Listen to your teacher, forget your dreams.  They’re not real and you said it best ‘there can be it was right’ – well thought and really inspirational, certainly words to live by. 

You should consider me, a male nurse.  Do you think I dreamed of this job?  I am abused by many people because being a nurse is a job for a woman, but I don’t believe in dreams I believe in paying the bills and unlike you, I actually make decent money but more like $250 a DAY.  I’d also like this business about your dreams to also stop.  So no, please let us talk no more of your cooking or dreams.  It’s ok, I hope this does not make you feel bad.  I think your plan is solid, you should very much would like so to think.  Give it a whirl. 

What do I think of you?  I think you are amazing. Do you know you were very Frank twice?  I was wondering who this Frank was, perhaps you know him?  I don’t know who this Frank Ness is, but do not think of him.  Think only of me and the big pleasure.  Consider studying more and let us speak of finger paints soon.  I call shotgun.

In closing, I’m really excited to have given you forces. I think you’re pretty great but am not looking forward to having a conversation in person with a woman who speaks as a 4 year old despite your amazingly ineffective studies in English but that is ok.  The house economy you ask?  No, women here are off at the beauty parlor, tennis clubs and roller rinks.  It’s amazing anyone here has a well run house.  Heck, I’ll pay you $250 a month to cook, clean and keep my male nurse outfit lightly starched.  Go Lance.

Cheers and skid marks,

Jonah

Monday, May 2, 2011

I know, that now I commit errors, but I hope, that you will not be becomes angry.

Of course you have.  Are you such stupid?

And what do preposterous statements of broken English bordering on the abilities of a 3 year old mean?  That’s right Natalya is back!  I’m not going to argue with her that I swear I now have pictures of 3 different women but who can argue with this fine lady?  Plus, she’s on some sort of useless pumpkin coach in her latest photo, I have no idea where the teddy bear is.

It turns out, she doesn’t really read my questions.  She didn’t even check out my calves because she didn’t pass out from awesomeness.  So here’s what she wrote (she’s a bit of a chatter box today).  I ran 12.5 miles yesterday.  Give me a prize. 

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Hello Jonah !

I am very happy to receive the letter from you today. I - very much happy, that All of you still have, desire to write to me. It is very good, that my answer about volume that I live in Russia does not confuse you. Your country seems to me very interesting and certainly differs from my. I like to learn all new.  We live far apart... It is very big distance for both of us. But it the distance only seems big. It at all does not frighten me. It seems to me especially interesting. Unless you do not think so?

I read in the newspaper (it was during long time back) that in other countries (Europe and the North America) meets a situation, that women are more careless than men. Whether it is valid truly? I very much would like to study your opinion, Also, why you search for the woman on the Internet? I - for the first time I have acquaintance through the Internet. Now I wish to tell to you about me directly. I never was married, and I wish to marry. I want, to meet someone who wants to have an amicable and strong family. I require someone who is fair, also It is careful, warm and sexual.

I wish to have the friend who later (if all is correct), could to become the friend is more than only. The most important parts of relations - love, trust and understanding. These three things should be present together. The love is important, but you should to trust blindly to other person, If really love it because you should know its real love - you, it is final you.

You probably have a question "why the Russian women search for husbands in other countries”.

As from many reasons, I think, and first of all - an economic level of Russia. The Russian men cannot care of their family. They are very lazy. They drink much and at times very roughly concern women and a family, I do not want such future. If they receive many money, anyhow they also start to spend everything to drink alcohol or on other women. In our country of women it is more than men. Russian women operate housekeeping, lift children and has a permanent job at the same time.

There is an opinion that the Russian men degrade now. I wish to marry abroad as I am interested in my future. I wish to have a usual, quiet life though I should leave my friends and Culture. It is very difficult. Here only a few reasons, why I - still one, I think, that it is better to be lonely than to be with someone and to be the unfortunate. I have no children, but I would like to have them. I think, that I would be good mother. I live with the parents, mum and the daddy, at us very amicable family. My mum call - Svetlana, to it of 50 years and it very much worry that I ones . But it completely supports me in my opinion about to family. My daddy - Vladimir to it 53. It the real man also is always ready to come on the help in any situation.

I like to visit cinema and to read books. I have much free times after my work, therefore I have possibility to read. I love various love stories, detectives and very much, very much I love the classical Russian literature. Also I love various music. When to me it is sad, I listen to slow, sensual music.  Jazz and blues. When I have good mood, I listen to modern music. The American music, very pleasant to me Jeniffer Lopez, Aerosmith, Moby and other American groups. In the winter I go, to ski and the fads.  That you like to do at leisure.

My hobby if probably to tell so - English language. I loved English language during long time when I studied in to school. The training program necessarily includes a foreign language in Russia, as rule - English language, the German or the French language. I have entered English group language and I am still happy, that I have made it. After school, I continued to study English language at institute. I know, that now I commit errors, but I hope, that you will not be becomes angry.

I wait your answer Jonah.  I have many ideas about which I will write in following letters. I send you my photos and I will look forward your photos.

Your friend Natalya.

So after taking a half day to read all that junk – including this business about the pleasant American music such as Jeniffer Lopez and Moby – I wrote back. 

Hello my Friend Natalya. 

Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Thank you again for the photo and lovely but sadly letter.  I search for women on the internet frequently, I find many but most are just pictures and not real people I think – many good videos too.

I have no doubt Russian men are as you say: cannot care of their family, they are very lazy, they drink much and at times very roughly concern women and a family, and they receive many money, they also start to spend everything to drink alcohol or on other women.  Actually, these men sound like American women.  That whole part about spending everything on drinking and women does not sound too bad too me, but I depends upon many other factors like: is tomorrow a work day, am I behind the wheel right now and should I be watching the kids or are these roller skates on my feet and how did they get there or do I know this woman is a woman?

You sound like a lovely woman and I can appreciate the lifting of children.  As a male nurse I do a lot of lifting, if you haven’t noticed sick people are generally in bed, laying down and being lazy.  Do you want children and a family?  I do very much but more so with a partner who desires such things as children.  Do you have any pets?  A dog or cat perhaps?  I am interested in your thoughts and generally assassination of my language. 

I like your carriage, where was this photo taken?  Perhaps you have more pictures – you always look different but very pretty.  I think you might want another hobby, other than English.  It’s not really a hobby – I’m guessing you maybe have other talents?  I look forward to you ignoring most of my questions. I suppose it is still winter and you’re likely off to the ski or the fads.

Do you travel?  I am going to visit Paris this summer, would you possibly be interested in meeting me there? 

Warm regards and sweaters,

Jonah.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I Saw A Cupcake

I expect you to prefer stories like that (how I thought it was a frosting covered taste-treat but it was just a flower pedal) vs my Russian lady email scams – but I’ve got a new lady scammer who loves me, so that is what you get. 

I AM running 30+ miles a week and in about 5 weeks now I’m finally going from <10 miles a week @ 10+ min pace to 30+ miles a week at <8:30 pace.  Still slow but it’s getting to be more enjoyable each week and I’ll be excited to finally get my long runs around the half marathon mark (13.1 miles if you have been short bussing it).  I swear I’ll write about triathlon or cupcakes or anything but Russian email scams but according to my Google Analytics, you the reader generally enjoy this crap the most.

Here’s my new friend who has a lovely introduction mail – I’m sure if you check your junk folder you will find one of these from time to time.

Hello!!!!! I have sent you a photo that you have recollected me. We have got acquainted with you on One of ashleymadison.com . You have given me the e-mail. I wrote to you, but you have not answered. At me The computer and consequently I has broken so long did not write to you.

If you yet have not found the Love I would be glad to continue dialogue with you. I will wait for your answer....

Natalya from Russia.

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Then I wrote back:

Hi Natalya,

Thank you for your note - I am sorry that I don't remember our previous email, but that does not matter. I am sorry about your computer? Was it a Macintosh? Those machines are real pieces of crap. You are beautiful and your bear is very lucky to have you! Where do you live in Russia? I am currently living in New York City, near Central Park. Perhaps you know of this? I am 35 and work at a small medical clinic as a nurse even though I am a man, I work as a nurse. What work do you do? Do you have hobbies? I enjoy many common hobbies as you likely do: reading, music, eating and drinking alcohol. I am single but have been dating a little, no one as pretty as you though. I look forward to your response. Happy Easter!

Regards,

Jonah

PS - are you excited about the Royal Wedding?

Then she writes back:

Hello, my new friend! I am very happy, that you have answered my letter. At first I wish to apologise for my not a prompt reply. I have no computer in my the house. Yes, it - really pity... I cannot answer you during the same moment as you. Thanks, that you have found time, writes me the letter.

I think, that you have much Questions to me. I will try, describe me.  I do not know that speaks to you in the beginning... Well, let's begin!To me 28. My birthday - on September, 15th. My height - 5 foots 7 inches. My weight - 51 kg. As you see in my photo, I have grey eyes.  I have the serious intention to find the man who is worthy me and I do not wish to make a wrong choice... I tried to write to you, and now I see that I too am interesting to you. We can begin our dialogue. I wish to be fair with you. Be fair with me also. I live in Russia, in the city of Nizhni Novgorod. You heard about it? It - very much ancient city. Nizhni Novgorod is located in 400 kilometers from Moscow. Nizhni Novgorod the big and well-known city in Russia, also is located on the river Volga. We - two the person which wish to meet someone ONLY For serious relations. I am right? We can try to know better each other, if you do not want, it is your choice... It is a little about me. I have higher education. I have begun my formation in high school, in Nizhni Novgorod.

After I have finished it, I have entered the university on economic faculty. I have finished it 5 years ago. Now I work manager of sales in one of the largest networks shops of electronic technics in Russia. Within the working day I can use the computer and to write letters. I really would like to know your interests, a hobby, where you live and how spend a free time? Tell to me more about you. I also will tell to you it is more about me in the following letter. I send you a photo. I hope my letter will not break you. I will wait for your letter and your photo with impatience. Also I want that you did not pass my questions and answered them. It is important for me. 

here can be your new friend Natalya!

x_dc08ac87 (3)

And then I write but don’t’ mention that the 2 girls look mostly different, but that’s just technical talk:

Dear Natalie my little fruit of Perestroika,

Many thanks for the response, I thought you would have not appreciated my mail as it is so hard to meet women sometimes who are honest and happy. 

My birthday is September 14th – this is very odd that we both have birthdays!  I will look up your neighborhood and see what I can find out.  Is it cold?  I am always excited and ready for relations.  I grew up in California of which I am sure you know.  From there I went to Ridgemont High school, fast times there but then I moved east to New York City.  It is a very romantic city and a lot to do but much more fun with someone else. 

What sort of electronics do you work on?  You are younger than me but I am a very young and handsome 35 years to me.  Some say my legs are my best features because of my running and cycling hobbies.  Attached is a photo of them for you to enjoy.  Do you sport?  I usually run 100km a week which is a lot for an Americans, many of them are fat, lazy and cannot move.  You look very strong, probably some plow experience ?  I do appreciate your photo, you are very pretty.  I think you look pretty jazzy.  I enjoy travelling to warm places, pina coloads and being caught in the rain.  What do you enjoy other than relations? 

I hope to hear from you soon my new friend,

Regards and unbroken,

Jonah.

cal

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Did Stuff

I did.  I went on vacation.  Except it was supposed to be a few days of riding and running and swimming down in Tiburon CA, followed by a few days with the girls (all 3 of them) and then more exercise stuff. 

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Then I hurt my back. But I didn’t know I had until it was too late. 

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While I was sick with bronchitis some elves or tool-owning creepy people snuck in an moved my bike saddle back well close to the max.  I didn’t notice it which is akin to finding that my size 11.5 sneakers have turned into size 7s and running a marathon before going ‘man, I think my feet hurt’.  I swear I don’t know how I missed this but I did and as a result of riding a bunch in the wrong position has really irritated some nerves on my lower back.  Sitting is awful but laying on a couch is not.  Swimming and running is fine.  Walking is fine, standing is fine but sitting in a chair or on a bike is awful. 

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So I’m doing PT and not supposed to ride a bike which I still tried while on vacation.  I rode probably 7 hours or so and then it felt bad.  Like I could barely push 140 watts or 12-14mph on Friday.  So I’m just running now because I cannot train on the bike which makes triathlon pretty impossible and swimming seems silly if I’m not racing for at least a year.  But maybe I’ll swim a little since it makes for strong arms and awesome pecs.  But at least I took a few photos to prove I rode.  I would think that normally I could take a few weeks off, rehab the back and keep at the swim and run but I honestly don’t want to take on anymore disappointment with a crappy or mediocre season. 

We are moving in a few weeks to a new home that is twice the size of our current home – so I’ll need to spend time working on that as well as running with Sada who views running as a treat, even better than ice cream.  Not sure if there are many 7 year olds who can run over 2 miles out there – so we’re building her base a few years early. 

So now I’m just trying to run every day which doesn’t seem to be too bad, except I’m seriously only on week 3 of running at ALL for 2011 – still I got in 30 miles last week and should be able to easily run about that or a few more this week.  My legs are pretty sore all the time but it doesn’t feel awful and my 3 mile run has easily turned into a 5 mile run. 

I’m just rambling now, so I am going to stop.  I’ll have to write about my trip next when I’m not cranky.  The good news is that I can either run or lay on a couch with my back injury – almost the perfect injury.  I only wish the doctor said that beer and hot wings would speed up recovery.

And here’s a picture I took of my kid, super Piper the swimmer, who spent more time swimming in the hot tub than the pool.  She even went to far as to find the infant pool float to sit in while enjoying the bubbles.  I can’t explain the goggles nor where the thousands I must have spent on swim lessons have gone.

Look close and you can see the blonde kid in the hot tub. 

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Riding the Crazy Train

So I’m out of Russian chicks and all sorts of nonsense, so let’s talk about me. 

Well first, let’s just enjoy the fact that I was listening to Crazy Train (yes, by Ozzy) and my kids said turn it up please.  Seriously.  No, they don’t love Satan and neither as far as I know are marked with the number of the beast or even a small less harmful beast like our guinea pig Liza.  They heard it on a kids movie, which means kids movies are now completely made for parents my age, which is old. 

So I was sick, like forever.  And even though bronchitis isn’t technically or remotely cured with antibiotics, a small percentage is caused by something that can be killed by antibiotics.  It also turns out that rest is about the only other thing that can get rid of it.  Next year, we’re going to someplace warm on a regular basis and if I get sick, I’m seriously going by myself until I’m better.  It would seem that I’m not so delightful when I don’t feel good.  I don’t really even care for myself. 

So then I’m nearly all better except I do choke while running hard instead of coughing but that just seems normal now.  It probably don’t look pretty and I likely sound like grandpa on his last few breaths. 

So I start swimming and biking and running and then ouch.  I can’t stand up. 

And my back hurts, like an old person says.  I would have totally hit that button on my necklace because it felt like an emergency.  Instead I stretched and stretched and at one point I could probably smell my chamois (this is the thing on your bike shorts that I refer to as my sham-wow).  Then it hurt more and I got a massage and that but less than the original hurt.  And then I start to mentally figure out how I’m going to get out of the Rev 3 half iron in Portland in July and if I should even race at all and maybe I should just enjoy golf and move on. 

Then I got physical therapy and Doug said, I stretched too much and I’m way to stretched on my bike which seemed weird because I have been riding a good 7-9 hrs a week on my bike since October without much of a break and no issues.  And it got worse.  And I could ride maybe 50 mins.  Then none. 

So instead I ran a bunch.

And then on a weird whim, I wanted to move my saddle up a tick and forward a tick. 

And then while on that whim, I notice that my saddle had slid ALL THE WAY back on me.  And then I felt dumb and wondered how it happened but more importantly why I didn’t even notice.  And we’re not talking about 1cm or 3mm which might still be a fairly large change for a bike saddle, I’m talking not about pop music but like over an inch.  If someone moved my picnic table seat an inch I’d notice it.  If you changed my jean size an inch I’d notice.  So there.  Problem fixed.  Except I still haven’t really ridden much in weeks, so I’m going to CA to go ride for a few days because it’s still 43 and cold and raining here.  It might be spring but I’m still riding in all my winter bike stuff. 

So there. 

But then I’m going to make this super awesome sounding oatmeal and then these muffins that I eat in about 48 hours.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hey Lazy

Even Ben Collins has updated his blog more often than I have outside of a few Russian scams. 

I’m skiing a bit, I watched Sada swim a butterfly across the pool and almost cried, I watch Piper learn to ski in 1-2ft of powder laughing her head off and I took 4 courses of antibiotics while watching my watts fall like a damp squid(thank you very much Phil and Paul for that).

I’m sort of not sick, but I’m sort of training. 

More importantly, this is the best video I’ve ever seen.

But then this is my most favorite commercial. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I usually do not speak about my deep ideas and thoughts

So I have been sick and tired.  But don’t let that distract from the following post.  I am on antibiotics and steroids and stuff and not exercising after my last little ride which had my HR @193 for a while.  It didn’t feel bad but sort of felt like my soul was leaving my body.  So I stopped, called the doctor and now going to try and recover like a normal person does. 

Because I didn’t write back, my dear Russian lady friend totally freaked out and stopped writing to me. So with that sad news, lets see the magic we had…

Hello my interesting Henry,

I am glad to receive your answer. I am afraid to think beforehand, but I want, that you knew - for me it very seriously. And I very much want, that we with you have continued ours with you dialogue. I thank you for a photo. You the nice man. I like your appearance.

I know about Central Park in New York City. I saw it in many American films. This beautiful place. Probably you can enjoy a kind of this place every day. Henry how old are you? You have children?

I cannot give you number of my cellular telephone. Unfortunately my cellular telephone has fallen recently in water and now it has broken.

I will be glad to speak with you. I can try to call to you from public phone. But it is necessary for me to know your telephone number?

About what hats you mean? I am sorry but I really have not understood.

I am well familiar with culture of my people. But I do not know about the big hats. May be you mean winter hats?

I seldom drink wine. I have no favourite wine. You like to drink spirits? I have already told to you in my last letters - I live one.

My parents live behind city boundaries, I constantly visit their each days off. I very much love the parents. Also it is a pity that now I live not with them. I wish to tell a little to you about them. Between us excellent mutual understanding. It is important in any relations.

To my mum of 54 years. She very clever and wise woman. My mum the best friend for me. Mum always will understand and will give a piece of good advice. My daddy too very good person! And I love it on the present as the daughter loves the father!

My father, to it of 59 years. I consider that each man, should be similar to my father. I consider that the man, first of all, should be the husband and the father, my daddy is perfectly entered in these definitions. My daddy who always was and is the noble and wise person, and he the true gentleman. Probably, therefore my mum has chosen the daddy for family creation.

My parents are ideally suited each other. This fact gives me a pleasant basis for that purpose that I wish to establish a family similar to a family of my parents.

In our family mutual understanding and a mutual respect always reigns.

It favorably influences development of our family. Certainly, in each family there are problems, quarrels. It occurs, not always it is possible to avoid it. But dark stains pass in our family very quickly.

We always understand each other. Therefore quarrels inside our family come to an end with embraces.

I do not have brothers and sisters, I the only child in a family. Some people wish to be the only child in a family that they managed all warmly and care of their parents. But actually, it is very boring to be one. That will be, when your parents do not become...? To be very heavy absolutely one without near relations, I speak about brothers and sisters. There is nobody to address, simply to chat and share

personal problems which you will not share with parents. You

understand me?

My parents always helped me with my undertakings. I have got education, have found work which is pleasant to me. I am very grateful to them that they always help me with it. Has passed some years, as I one. I have understood that I can not suffer it any more. I wish to find second half which will always support me. After work I come home where nobody waits for me. It is very melancholy. I tried to begin relations with men but as I have already told, I from them cannot present anybody near to myself. We absolutely different people also search for different values in a life. For this reason I have addressed to the Internet. I sincerely hope that here I can find the man who will love and understand me. For me it is not important, as the man much earns. For me the main thing that the man understood me.

I search for the person who possesses experience and is able to understand the woman. With such person I would like to establish a happy family, without conflicts and quarrels. I sincerely hope that when I have written to you, I was not mistaken that you that person whom I search. Henry, please write me that you think of it. Tell to me as about the hobbies and hobbies, it is interesting to me as you spend a free time. You love what music and films? I with impatience will wait for your letter.

Your new friend Elena

Then she attached these photos.  I don’t understand the tan or the streetwalker look but we will embrace it.

Me and momit's me and Katya

Then I didn’t write back like 2 days in a row, so she freaked out.  Seriously, she’s a lot of work. 

Hello Henry. I hope you have a good weekend. I wish warn you that I cannot to answer to you tomorrow. I will visit parents. Unfortunately, there live my parents there is no access to the Internet.

I will wait your letter on Monday. Okey?

Elena

THEN THIS.

I do not receive your letter again. Most likely you are not interested to continue to write to me. It is a pity that you have not told to me about it. Good luck in your search!

Elena

So finally I wrote back…

That is not true Elena. I thought you were away visiting family or some fantasy. I always look forward to your mail. I simply do not believe it that a woman like you would be interested in me . I love those Russian hats. I think of you often and hope we can figure out a way to speak, maybe through the phone someday? I am not sure you know much English and I do not speak Russian, but I do not need to speak much to a beautiful lady like you. I await your mail.  Here are some thoughts written by my good friend Mike Reno for a song we did:

And then you came around, tried to tie me down, I was such a clown, you had to have it your way, or no way at all.  So why don’t you turn me loose, turn me loose, turn me loose, I gotta do it my way.  Or no way at all.

I do enjoy enjoy drinking spirits but most often the end up on my front as I battle alcoholism as many rock stars do, it is a blessing and a curse.  I am curious about your eyebrows.  They are very expressive. 

Disregarding,

Henry

So if you aren’t over 35, you wouldn’t know those are the lyrics to Loverboy’s Turn Me Loose.  Awesome stuff.  Disregarding Henry is a crappy Harrison Ford movie. 

Then she writes:

Hello Henry. I will be glad to continue to communicate with you. You can leave to me telephone number and that I will probably call to you once. I am not ready to telephone conversation now. I received last letter from you on January, 27th. I have written the answer to this letter. You received my letter? I do not wish to seem rough, but to me it will be pleasant if you answer my letter.

Elena

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Then she writes….

Hello Henry.

Henry, I usually do not speak about my deep ideas and thoughts, but I have written, because I wish to open it to you.

Sometimes it is necessary that there was one man who can open the soul and trust - but, unfortunately it does not happen often. I am glad that I have found such man who can understand me.

I send a photo me and mums. Unfortunately I could not find a photo me and the daddy. But I think that it is on other compact disc. I will send a photo of my daddy another time. okey? Henry please send me other photos of you.

In Russia is not present Santa Claus. Here there is Father Frost. Do you hear about him?

I know about facebook. But you cannot find me there because I have no facebook. I write to you from the cafe Internet. I have no own computer and consequently I use services the cafe Internet. Facebook takes away a lot of time.

It was interesting to me to learn about yours to favourite music and cinema. I think that we have various preferences in it. But I very much would wish to see and hear that you like. I never saw "Pillow Talk". Now I wish to see it.

I have the higher degree of education, I have ended medical institute, and have received the diploma of the doctor of the oculist.

Unfortunately, as the doctor I worked not at once. Only after a while I could find work and work on a speciality. My working days never happen monotonous. I work five days in a week. On Sunday and Saturday at me the day off. My working day begins with 10:00 mornings, and comes to an end in 19:00 evenings. But, sometimes I should be late.

Fortunately it happens seldom enough. Now I wish to talk to you about interests and a hobby.

I love a considerable quantity of things. I like to read books about love. I romantic. I listen to different kinds of music. It does not do any restrictions for me. But music should be beautiful. I love classical things as Beethoven (especially "a lunar sonata"). Also I love Ledy Gaga, the Madonna. And I love "The Scorpions", their song "Wild of change" forces me to cry. Sometimes I prefer R&B, you know Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado. Very rhythmical music. I do not go to clubs often, I prefer to remain at home, I like to watch TV, lying on a sofa.

I love "Pretty woman" with Julia Roberts. This history costs

admiration! I love films where the love wins, it is very touching! I also love films about friendship ("We Were Soldiers","The Blade", "Gladiator"). I love comedies where acts in film Jim Carry: it "The Mask" it is matchless!" Dumb and Dumber ". Also I love films with Al Pachino" Scent of a Woman ". You looked them? What do you think about"Avatar"? I very much liked this film. As to leisure, I behave in the good form, I like to run in the mornings before work, it gives me a lot of energy to work. In the winter I like to go on a skating rink together with friends to skate, it is very cheerful, and you like to skate? Still regularly I visit swimming pool - 3 times for a week! I creative nature, in the childhood I played a violin within several years, it not bad turned out at me. Very sensitive hearing is necessary to reproduce it. Unfortunately, after 5 years of training I have ceased to play. The objective reasons for this purpose are not present, but now I have a dream to recommence lessons. To buy a violin, to find worthy teachers. I do not want that it was business of all my life, this employment as a hobby.

I finish my letter, I hope you was not has got tired reading it :)?

I will wait for your letter.

Yours Elena

Then I wrote:

Hi Elena,

Thank you so much for your letter - I am very sick from a cold and it has made me very tired. Being sick and by myself is very lonely - I have read your mail many times which makes me feel better.  It also took me nearly 1 hour to read it.  I hope you are quicker in person with fewer words as my ears would be sore. 

My most favorite movies are James Bond films but I feel bad now because Russia is most often the enemy! I do not think of you as the enemy now - not when you are so beautiful! I should consider myself so lucky to have such a beautiful blonde woman like me.  I would not shoot you.  Even if you were a spy, I would kiss you. 

I do enjoy ice skating - I played hockey and still skate often. If you were to visit me, we could go skating as much as you want.  I enjoy a good figure skate as much as the next guy. 

I am sorry this note is so short, I appreciate your photos and long note - I am very sick. Please send more pictures and let me know more about your job as an oculist? What do you most often treat your patients for? I did wear glasses but do not anymore.  They made me look fat.

I do not understand this Ledy Gaga, the madonna and how you have confused Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata with this Lunar Sonata?  Are you such stupid?

I'm sick,

Henry.

Then suddenly she stopped writing. 

Women.