Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Salima Abdelaziz

Sorry I haven’t kept up with this.  It has now grown to mailing 3 different people about this money.  Someone asked if my stories are real – yes, just look in your junk-email folder and you’ll probably have your own email from Salima Abdelaziz. 

Here is the latest:

Dear Mrs Salima Abdesease,

I wrote to Mr Agricole this afternoon – I hope he can help.  Attached is another picture that I meant to send to you,  I hope it cheers you up and that you are feeling better.  Happy thoughts can cure cancer and help heal the dead you know. 

Warm tidings and tinsel,

Mike Reno

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Then she writes (reading it isn’t really necessary)…..

Dear Mr.Mike Reno,
I am so sorry to have troubled you with all this suffering, please accept my sincere apologies because this is all what I can do at this point of life. This is 5.48 morning time in Senegal and I am sorry for getting back to you late because I was taking my treatment, I was taking antibiotic intervenes injection. These injections subdue all my strength.
With earnest reference to the present situation on ground with respect to the letter you have received from the bank, I don't know who is Barr.Mariko Dan Nagashima hence I am not working on the bank but through what I have study through what you have stated, Barr.Mariko Dan Nagashima should be the bank lawyer in one of their Senegal branch bank.Barr.Mariko Dan Nagashima should be the person who may help you to fill the form as the bank have requested from you
Well to cut long issues short because I am having pains, the mail received from you today gave me joy but you still have little more to do because of the form or documents in question, I mean the once the bank is requesting you fill and present to them before the transaction will take place, has to come from the lawyer and he is the only person who will help you to complete the process. In that vein, you shall need the services of the lawyer. If you will need the lawyer to help you fill the form or to secure any documents as they have requested you,
I will request you talk to the bank lawyer with the given information given to you by the bank with regards to the filling the form and any other documents issue so that you can contact him and find out from him what need to be done and how you can  fill thev form or any other documents if at all there is any as my health are not giving any hope till date.
The document the lawyer needed to help you secure or fill should be state very clear by the bank to avoid mistake, hence I am very worried to finalise this transaction because we never can tell what tomorrow will be.
However, my late husband’s death certificate and the bank deposit agreement will soon send to you today or tomorrow  depend when I have some one to help me scan it since I cannot get up from my sick bed. Therefore be advice to contact the lawyer as they have requested you so that he will start the filling the form for you and other documents process without further delay.
If you don't have clear information of the lawyer you should better contact the bank again and request for the clear information of the lawyer so that he will start the process on your behalf without further delay.
May God bless you as I will be waiting patiently to hear from you again soonest
Have a blissful day!
Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz

THEN I WROTE THESE TO THE BANKS:

Dear Sir,

My name is Mike Reno.  I read your paperwork and read your email.  I am confused, like a cat. 

I will contact that Japanses man you mention below to get my friend Salima Abdelazit some help.  I do not have a plus sign on my phone, so I do not know how to call with those math symbols.

Thank you,

Mike Reno

 

Dear Mr Nagasaki, (his real name is Dan Nagashima)

I am trying to help some lady get some money transferred .  I am confused and dismembered.  Do you know about this business of dead people that we are speaking of?  May the spirit of Christmas be with you. 

Warmest Yuletide logs and merrimints,

Mike Reno

THEN I WROTE BACK TO SALIMA ABDELAZIZ:

Notes: the photo below was once posted on my facebook profile.  My friend anne went to high school with the guy who took this picture, which is real.  He and I are now facebook friends.  He is not so weird anymore.  True.

Dear Friend,

I wanted you to know that we won the Church Choir Sing-off last night!  The Baptists really brought their A-game but they dropped a few tenors from last season and we doubled up the ladies on the high end.  Blessed be the whopping those heathens got!  We really had a wonderful wrap up party afterwards at the Olive Garden.  Helen our choir director did over do it on the Blue Nun again and cut her lip wide open when she slipped on the stairs.  God hates drunks.

My heart is saddened as my sweet potato casserole (do you know of casserole) was not placed near the front of the pot-luck side dish line and I was left with more than I can hardly eat.   Are you in Africa for the holidays?  Do they even know it’s Christmas?  I bet sand is everywhere. 

I wrote to the mens you mention in your broken corresepondance below, so I hope that will help make this happen.  They continue to give me long phone numbers with math signs, so I am just using email.  Do you have any pictures of you?  I have attached a photo of myself for you. 

 

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I like friends.

Holiday sauces and cheer,

Mike Reno.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz, I am Confused

Here is the next installment from my dear friend in Africa:

She writes:

Dear Mike Reno,
Thank you very much for your mail. I was very happy with the kind of love and concern shown towards me so far in regards to the issue of this transfer. May the Almighty God bless and protect you for me as I am going through these pains at this point and thank you too forv sending your picture to me.
At this point what you have to do is, you have to contact the bank on my behalf  as I was stated to you and request from the bank to give you detail procedure on what you have to do to get the funds release to you hence they in the better position to advice you better. Don’t forget to tell them you are my appointed next of kin so that the listen to you in time.
The long telephone number is what I receive from the bank as all telephone cannot be like your country own.
Have a blissful day!
Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz

So then I got an email from the bank, which I’ll post later but first I had to get back to Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz.  Some new things I’m trying with her are to misspell her name, add as many completely irrelevant comments as possible without throwing her off and trying to get some information about her country.

Dear Mrs Salami Abdesease,

Well, tickle me elmo, I heard from the bank but I am confused.  I cannot go to Africa as we have a church choir sing-off and pot luck in the next week – this is very stressful as I am what you might say ‘old’, this term is probably different where you are from.  They want me to find a Senegalese resident lawyer – but I do not know anyone in that place, so do you know how to find such a person?  I asked my neighbor but he wears a helmet and does not communicate clearly.  So I will fill out the form that I was sent by Amadu N.Sule who said to contact Barr.Mariko Dan Nagashima, he sounds like he is Japanese and I do not drive their cars, do you know this man?  I have a form from Mr Sulu asking my A/C number but we do not have AC in our home as it is generally cool, so I do not know what that means. 

I do not have a telex. 

I am excited to have your writing as well – pen pals are a lot of fun.  What do you like to do for fun?  Do you have television?  I love to visit the you tube channel on the internet – the dancing cats are my favorite.  I don’t like the flashing lights though.

I hope you feel better, attached is another photo that should cheer you up and provide you with improved health. 

comfort

God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food, Amen.

I will sent a letter now to the Japaneses man to help with the attorney.  Wish me good luck in the sing-off, it is Tuesday evening.  I do not know if you have Tuesday where you are from.  I am sure it is called something that I cannot say. 

Warm season tidings and Yule logs to you!

Mike Reno

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz

It is the time of year we thank scammers.  As many of you may remember and fondly recall, last year we met Dascha and then the lovely Anastasiya (who is way prettier!).

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So it has been a while since breaking up with these women aka scammers – but I have a new friend, Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz

She writes:

Hello dear friend Please i need your help, i am very sick

I'm glad to know you,but God knows you better and he knows why he has directed me to you, at this point in time so do not be afraid. I am writing this mail to you with heavy sorrow in my heart, I'm mrs Salima Abdelaziz am from Morocco I'm a woman of 46 years old.
I am contacting you from the hospital were am taking my treatment here in Dakar Senegal, I want to tell you this because i don’t have any other option than to tell you as i was touched to open up to you, I am married to late Mr Simo Abdelaziz who worked with Morocco embassy in Burkina Faso for nine years before he died in the year 2005.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.
Since his death I decided not to remarry, When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$6.7m(Six million Seven hundred thousand dollars)in a bank in united kingdom London presently this money is still in bank. He made this money available for exportation of Gold from Burkina Faso mining.
Recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the period of seven months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my cancer sickness. Having known my condition I decided to hand you over this money to take care of the less-privileged people, you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.
I want you to take 30 Percent of the total money for your personal use While 70% of the money will go to charity" people in the street and helping the orphanage. I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not good not even good at all because they are the one that responsible for the death of my late husband in other to have all my late husband properties and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by those that conspired for his death.
I grew up as an Orphan and i don't have anybody as my family member. Am doing this so that God will forgive my sins and accept my soul because this sickness has suffered me so much.
As soon as i receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank in united kingdom London and I will send authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of the money in the bank that is if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I have stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.
Mrs Salima Abdelaziz

So I wrote back…

Mrs Salima Abdelaziz,

This is a heartbreaking story – please let me know how I can help.  Do you know Oprah?  I believe she can perform miracles, like Beyonce but with more thoughtfulness. 

Regards,

Mike Reno

If you didn’t know, Mike Reno was the lead singer of the amazing band ‘Loverboy’. 

Then she writes:

Dear Mike,
Thank you for your mail. You should know that times are truly tough  for me here going by the pains I am going through but I believe in God for everything.  I am very happy you are very willing to take full responsibility of the funds.
However, what you have to do now is because my situation are not giving any hope till date, you have to contact the bank and find out from them what it will entail to get the funds out of the bank to your country.As you can see, I cannot do anything without you at this point. Please note you are going to take care of everything with regards to running the funds and the transfer process, because anything can and may happen to me now since the doctors have confirmed I will not be able to make it because of my illness.
The bank contact:
Bank name: Caisse International Credit Agricole  bank united kingdom
Contact person: Mr. Amdou .N . Sule
Accounts name:- Mr. Simo Abdelaziz
Next of kin:- Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz
A/c Number:- BLB745008901546/QB/91/A
Initial deposit:- $6.7 million dollars
Phone: Tel,+  0044-7031898737, FAX;0044-8447744713
Department email address:- agrioleagriole@24.com
You should mention my name and made them to understand you are my appointed next of kin they will spell out what need to be done to you tio have the funds transfer from their end to your position. I will be waiting patiently to hear from you soonest.
Have a blissful day!
Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz

So then I wrote:

Dear Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz,

Cheer up.  I have attached a picture I made to help with your spirits. 

merrycalvmas

In America we call this the Christmas Spirit and it makes all things good and with hope, 40% off.   Do you need my bank account information?  I could give you my numbers if that helps with the process although I’m not entirely sure of my capacities.  I should tell you once I was in a Turkish prison.  But I am happy now and in America.  We thank God for that plus some ruthless Spanish people.

Please advise as to what I need to do to help you.  I will email the address below for Mr Caisse Agricole in the United Kingdom.  I do not understand those long numbers below, we have much shorter phone numbers – can you provide a shorter one for me?  I cannot find the + on my telephone. 

We have the following:

ABC

DEF

GHI

JKL

MNO

PQR

STU

VXYZ

There are not any math signs as you note.  Have a blessed day Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz.

Regards,

Mike Reno

And then I wrote to the guy at the bank as per her request:

Hello Mr Agricole,

Mrs.Salima Abdelaziz said that I am to inform you to help with a banking transfer. I do not know what I have to do so please help me, I often need help with these matters. I believe everybody is working for the weekend, so advise if I can help with you quickly.

Warmest blessings and holiday cheer and tidings,

Mike Reno

And if you know anything about Loverboy, you’d know that Everybody is Working for the Weekend is pretty much the song that represented the 70’s for me, except I was like 6. 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Experiment: Part 1

Some of you know but most probably don’t about my recent experiment using modern medicine to solve a truly American problem: fat, lazy and little self control. 

See, this is me recently in photo #1, this was me in photo #2

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A few weeks ago I went to my doctor as I realized that 2/3 of my Facebook status updates or tweets were about egg nog or bacon or both.  Last year I think I gained 15lbs from Sept to Dec – skiing 2 days a week doesn’t really do much and I didn’t train a lick.  I think I started the 2010 season over 200lbs and ended in the 170’s but in a whole month off or maybe 6 weeks – my love for egg nog, pumpkin spice lattes, and bacon combined with an appetite still believing that I’m swim/bike/run-ing 10-12 hrs a week, got me to 193lbs. 

I knew with Thanksgiving, Christmas and the nearly free-flowing egg nog that I’d be hard pressed to remain fit and handsome.  So I caved. 

My goals were the following:

  • get to the 170’s (ideally very low 170’s) – this should enable me with a healthy ‘platform’ to train with – less impact on my knees, feet, and hips should help reduce the chance for injury and help me recover faster and train with greater regularity

The Doc weighed me, ran some calcs and said he could help – technically I was on the high side of the BMI scale.  He tried all the normal routes like: put the fork down (Rhae likes to text that one to me regularly), eat less, eat better and grow up and get some self control.  I’m barely better than our dog when it comes to not eating everything in front of me – just barely, so I plead for more help.  I know a whole bunch of pro cyclists generally get busted for appetite suppressants – so that’s what I got.  Along with a foot-long list of blood tests to be run.

Phendimetrazine

He said I can’t really call it a training aid, but it sort of is. 

So basically it makes you feel sort of immune to hunger.  I generally eat when I physically feel my stomach flipping over from hunger – but don’t really ‘feel’ hungry.  Put a barrel of egg nog and Costco pallet of pumpkin pie in front of me and I won’t even notice.  It’s sort of nice. 

I can ride for 3 hrs on water and not be hungry – but not something I’d advise.  You sort of bonk the same but given the stimulant properties of the drug, you go faster, like a lot faster.  Because you don’t eat much – you’re also a super lightweight when it comes to wine or beer or another glass of wine. 

Side effects:

  • You are wired for the day at 5am to about 10pm, regardless of your day’s activities
  • You have to think about eating, particularly enough to fuel a workout
  • Sleeping isn’t so much fun.  I go to bed like a baby but wake up after about 4-5 hours and need a good 1.5 to 2 hrs to find another hour for sleep.  I might be getting 4-5 hours a night now.  Which isn’t good.
  • You don’t want to eat
  • If you do eat, you can’t eat much a) you don’t feel like it b) your stomach has shrunk a lot and you fill up on a half sandwich. 
  • You get cranky sometimes
  • You’re never tired even with very little sleep, never.
  • You lose weight but it messes up your hormones – thus the blood work
  • You can get sick more easily…

So here’s how it’s working:

Week 5 to 6 was Thanksgiving where I had a 1/2 cup of Cream of Wheat for breakfast and then a single plate of dinner – turkey, veggies and some stuffing – no heaps or piles.  A one story meal!

So weeks 1-4 I was ok but as the last bullet point above notes… you can get sick.  I did and had to take ~2 weeks off from riding and swimming (I’m not running until I’m a bit leaner to save my knees which have tendonosis that is being treated). 

The data bars from week 7 onwards (I’m doing a 12 week plan of this stuff) is just a projection based on past results – but likely a bit conservative since I didn’t train for 2 weeks.  I suspect I’ll come in around the low 170’s but lean mass around 157 and body fat around 11-12%. 

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So the people who do know I’m doing this have mixed reactions.  Half say ‘I so need that’ and the other half (who seem to be mostly women) say I’m crazy.  I sort of expect this, women have sense (generally) and because of it insurance companies cut your car insurance by 50% when you get married.  They assume you’ve now got a passenger who you will listen to.  It sort of works. 

So that is part one. 

Thoughts:

  1. I need to eat a bit more to keep my immune system strong so I can supplement a lower intake with exercise.  More veggies! More lean protein!
  2. I need to take a break from the meds and get my sleep back – it slowly got worse each week but is nearly intolerable right now.  More sleep should help get my hormone levels back to normal.  Hopefully taking a day off every other day should still maintain the desired effect but not the side effects. 
  3. I’d recommend this to anyone who is struggling to nail down 15-30lbs, it’s hard.  It’s not fun to be cow-ish.  I tried moving to fewer carbs outside of training windows – replacing only what I burn.  But I didn’t stop eating the same volume when I took a break. 
  4. I need to learn how I feel when I’m hungry vs. bored or some other non-reason to eat.
  5. I know there are many other options (drugs) I could have tried, but have chosen to continue with what I started.  I also didn’t want to take sleeping pills on top of what I’m already taking – that seemed excessive.  Now you know I draw that line not at ridiculous but only at Beverly-Hills Housewife excessive. 

I’ll write up the rest when I’m all done with it. 

Friday, December 3, 2010

Went to "reg-o" yesterday

I’m not even writing anymore, I’m just taking emails and posting them as my own content with a small disclaimer that Rhae Shaw wrote everything else below and she’s still in Australia and doing some ironman there this weekend I think. 

I went to "reg-o" yesterday  (ok so really... why isn't it called "reg-i"?  it seems most logical that it would be since everything else gets shortened with an "eeeee" to the end.  but everyone says reg-o... which makes zero sense to me and now i wonder how things get nicknamed and who is in charge).  Anyway - it was the most laid back registration of all time (classic Australian) and I didn't show my license or anything...  so you can picture me "dont you want to see my pro card?  Please?" 

The swag bag has the athlete number screened right on it -- so as i was walking around after everyone knew i was a pro (let the stare down begin) and i was bopping around on my sweet cruiser after i heard a lot of "do you know who she is?". Even though i am sure the answer was "no" in most cases, it still was pretty sweet.   

Here is the race bag and the gear:

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Those of you that have seen me do this will note how much sweeter this is than in north america:

1) the bags are mesh not plastic.  Nice!  They are screened with your number, (so pro) but not labelled (huh?) - so i am assuming they are clever and that blue means bike bag and red means run bag -- i will let you know if that turns out to be false and if i am too clever. 

2) the cap is silicon and screened with my number, no magic marker here!  So pro!

3) the bike frame number is a sticker designed to go around the seat post. 

4) you get a race belt

5) the timing chip is gigantic -- so i assume i can update facebook with it from the course. 

6) there are no special needs bags (you have to do it on race a.m.  i am still confused about this)

7) they dont put IM WA on everything so that you can reuse it.  i like that.

So Pro:

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So today i did media (no one really wanted to talk to me since i am not Australian), although it was pointed out that i was the highest place Kona finisher from the last 2 years in the race (thank god someone noticed) and that i might be the dark horse.  but that still wasnt enough to make up for the fact that i am not australian and dont understand cricket. 

I then sat in drug patrol, but wasnt called -- so no peeing in a cup for me. 

a few more details about the race:

the bike goes along the ocean where it has been super windy, and then into a forrest... which i wish was thicker, but its still pretty:

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the run goes on along streets, the beach and a bike path with the peppermint trees.  it is pretty:

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i am contemplating doing the race in this:

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Here is Luke being pro while we get coffee,  yes i spilled some of mine (not pro)

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i want to open a bike shop exactly like the fat duck.  like most shops in Australia it is a bike shop AND a cafe combined:

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