So I thought it would be fun for Sada and me to join her class for a trip to the zoo. I was pretty glad when I only had to keep track of 4 kids. I instantly made a kid responsible for another kid which meant all I had to do was carry the first aid kit.
I thought it would be an awesome day to do a 10k before walking around the entire zoo sans compression socks.
We also didn’t have to stay with the class, so we played speed zoo – visiting every animal in the zoo in under 4 hours. With 4 kids. They can’t stand still, even for a picture.
Here are some things I learned:
- if your parents send you with a thin plastic bag for your lunch, probably don’t use it as a weapon.
- also don’t spin it around as if you’re a helicopter, you’re not a helicopter and your apples will end up in the bushes along with your powerade
- when a kid tells you he’s eaten poo before, you don’t engage him in long conversations – especially when he follows it up with ‘LOTS OF TIMES’
- kids basically hate any sandwich that gets smashed, even a little. They won’t touch it. Hello trash.
- if they think they can climb on it they will
- the kids who listen and behave do, the ones who don’t require a bloody knee or a tasty fall into a tropic pricker bush to remind them
- if you have 4 bandaids, you’ll use 2. They also will fix just about anything on a kid, except if they’re thirsty
- kids don’t understand personal space, even when going pee – I didn’t really care for the ‘well hello there’ moment as the little kid says ‘hey, I can see your pee’
- don’t joke about using the bushes to pee because they will
- kids will brag about how old their moms are, they also will share everything they know about their moms even if you don’t ask
- one kid of the 4 will lose their jacket
- 90% of the animals will not be out, the kids don’t care. WOW, THIS IS THE LION’S CAGE. No lion, who cares.
- don’t give your kid milk on a field trip. it goes in the same place the smashed sandwiches do. Le Trash. They don’t even think twice about chucking it. Or bartering for someone else, like a brown apple slice that was recovered from the bushes
- the orangutan peeing in front of everyone will pretty much be the best part of the whole day
- kids think that recess is a God-given right. Even at the zoo.
Little girls are clicky and can be mean and little boys are mostly retarded, though some are thoughtful, good listeners and can read a map.
I got caught between 3 girls trying to figure out who was smarter – it starts with simple stuff
“what is 1 times 1”
then quickly escalated to “what is 87 times 87.”
It’s pretty easy to see that this also works in the real world where you can hammer someone with a tough question so ridiculously awful that everyone knows you’re the loser of the math-off (or geo-political stand off) – the person asking the question doesn’t even have to know the answer. Sadly, first graders never think to say, “well how about you tell me if you’re so smart.” I might do ok in first grade politics. This math-off ended when Sada, my amazing daughter, fired off “well what is 80 + seventy hundred?”. Sweet.
I got asked if I wanted to see the bumpy rash on the kid’s leg next to me. He said, “it’s eczema”. He asked if I had it, but I didn’t want to explain why I shaved when I was cold and just about removed all the skin from my goose-bumped legs. But I said no. I think mine is just a rash.
I also got to hear a pretty compelling conversation between a 4 and 6 year old
“we can’t sing that underwear song at school”
“I don’t like it anyhow”
“I see lots of underwear at school, they boys always have their underwear out”
“I saw Jackson’s underwear, he had Lightning McQueen on them”
“I don’t like Lightning McQueen”
“I don’t like any boy’s underwear”
“Hey dad, do you know what a crush is, I think there might be a boy who has one on me”
“I think I need a cell phone, a blue one”
These of course were my kids going back and forth. Good times. Where’s the Tylenol.