Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Here’s a Little Ditty that Goes Like This

Insert sound of car crash or some similar bad sound. 

I haven’t written in a while because I’m sort of waiting for the bad stuff to stop.  I mean the debacle that was the Men’s Figure Skating (turns out you can be the men’s Olympic champ without the quad) or that Ice Dancing despite it’s defenders is somehow a sport or that ANY SPORT with judges who are necessary for style points can exist as an Olympic sport… sorry where was I, I got worked up.  Oh yeah..the bad stuff.

Here’s a summary of the past few weeks:

  • Greta’s aunt died, there’s some technicality of a divorce needed here to qualify her as an active aunt, but nonetheless, family member died. 
  • She goes to the funeral, slips wearing high heels (my plug for the Under Armour Spectre as an amazingly stable shoe with traction even in the mud) and smashes her face REALLY badly.  So badly that just today, like 3-4 weeks later, we find a piece of rock or glass still in her face! 
  • Her Grandma is hospitalized – she’s not well, we’re sort of at the ‘last call’ stage but who knows, she’s a tough lady who gets spunky and could probably take on a few more years should she want to.  Based on the advertising, the new show ‘The Marriage Ref’ alone should cure anyone’s curiosity. 
  • Our cat dies,  I thought she was sleeping a lot.  Turns out, she wasn’t tired, just dying.  Bad pet owner – probably.  I’m glad the kids can talk.  Otherwise I might not know what to do next with them.
  • Piper gets sick with 2 ear infections, goes on I think 2 kinds of antibiotics (these things mess with your stomach… this matters in a few more bullet points)
  • Greta gets hives.  I call her Sleesetack skin lady.  See Land of the Lost for reference.  See ‘sleeping on the couch’ or ‘doghouse’ for where I am.
  • I’m sick and have been on 2 kinds of antibiotics and steroids for 3 weeks – still sick and no better.  Bronchitis and sinusitis and sort of pneumonia.  No, let’s add 3 doctor visits and I’ve been coughing so much my ribs are apparently swollen and I’m mostly exhausted from coughing.  Sometimes I can’t see well at the end of the day, my eyes hurt from being coughed out.  I’m now on 5 different medicines right now.  You know they’re strong when even the pharmacist says ‘wow, these are strong’ and then looks at me as if he’d expect someone significantly larger. 

A slightly bigger story outside of the bullet points – the part I call, ‘How Sada Broke Her Wrist’

IMG_2520Last week was Greta’s birthday, we had the cake lit with 24 flaming candles, ready to roll it out when Sada is spotted shaking while holding onto the oven handle and refrigerator – her little hands are clenched around each handle, her eyes were big and she is sort of saying ‘help I can’t let go’.  I sort of figured out that she’s being electrocuted (which I believe technically can only happen when you end up dead but you get the point).  All the while her mom is watching this happen on her birthday.  I grabbed her off of the appliances and she’s clearly been shocked like hell.  She’s got a slight burn on one hand and her wrist is REALLY sore on the other one.  Yea, her wrist is now broken.  Landlords panic (they’re in China where they live) and only after I spend a day at home dealing with an electrician decide to buy a new one for the house.  The electrician also go to enjoy the same level of shock Sada got – he was my size and his eyes were a bit more ‘surprised’ looking.  She’s been to the doctor twice now, I spent the AM with her today getting x-rays and a cast on and now have to actually GET the new ovens and have them installed… thoughts there anyone?

I should note that a piece of the roof fell on my face when I went outside.  it hurt. 

and oh yeah, yesterday Greta’s mom falls off a table/chair while at school, breaks her nose and arm.

So that is that.  But wait there’s more….

Because Piper was on antibiotics it sort of messed her stomach up and she decided there was no longer a need to poop.  For like 5 days.  From the photo above, she’s not a light eater – this is her ski brunch alone at 11am – you just can’t see the hamburger behind the chip bag.  So she refuses. To poop.  Which you can do I guess if you’re 4.  And she cries and as the police would say ‘if you’re not coming out, we’re coming in’.  And that ‘baby bottle’ I got her at the grocery store, really was an enema kit.  And that bottom medicine I said was going on your bottom, well let’s take that a step further.  She figured out what was going to happen at about T-1 into the countdown.  Now she’s better but I’ve terrorized my kid who doesn’t believe in harmless baby bottles, bottom medicine or that I’m ever going to speak the truth again.  I only remotely now worry about a knock on the door from the police who have been notified by her school that her daddy hurt her bottom with a baby bottle.  Great. 

So as I’m doing all of this with Piper (I didn’t really describe well the screams and tears I’m getting as the ‘solution’ works it’s magic and despite all the force in the world she can not longer hold back a week of output).  Jack, the super amazing dog with no purpose decided to have a blow out of chocolate dog pudding (poop) all over the stone flooring that can only be cleaned up with a mop and 321 buckets of cleaning solution and water. 

For once over the past 2 months I’m glad I cannot smell.  The good news is that I’m supposed to be feeling better in less than a week.  The bad news is that the antibiotic shot the doctor gave me today that would ‘probably hurt for a while’ is the understatement of the month. 


Kelly said...

that is some crazy shit.

how the fuck did your oven electrocute people???

also, i had bronchitis a bunch of times. it sucks. you need to take a lot of nyquil and heavy ass cough medecine so you can sleep so you can recover then you get better and the cough stops.

Ben said...

Was it actually the oven, or a grounding issue in the kitchen? Poor girl. Poor girls. I have a fever of 103 tonight, but your post makes me feel very very lucky.

Mom of the Mud Puddle said...

I will never ever complain about a 'bad week' again. And if I do, I will read this post again and slap the back of my own hand.
I hope everyone is on the road to recovery and you are due for some really, really GOOD luck soon.

Sarah said...

Dude. I don't even know what to say. But I think you've had enough bad things happen to last about 5 years. I'm going to personally hope for all of you that the next 8 months are suddenly freaking amazing and full of awesome luck. Because that is just crazy.

And to echo in the HELL did an oven electrocute people?