Monday, January 11, 2010

Thank You 2nd Amendment: There’s 2 Guys Trying to Get Home

clip_image001[4]Yeah, the 2nd Amendment, the gun one.  Love it or hate it or fail to understand it, it exists.  Which is good for me because when you’ve got 2 idiots who don’t believe in sharing the roads.

So let me begin. 

We’ve all run into people in cars who hate cyclists.  Whether you’re in a group or alone, you find them.  I’m not talking about the ones who have no idea that they shouldn’t pass 6 inches from you hand or who race around you only to turn right – I’m talking about the ones that really want to hurt you or kill you or at the very least ruin your day. This is because they’re idiots, just so stupid that they don’t even have any sense of what they’re about to do will really ruin someone’s life. 

I have carried a gun for a while – but only after I had one guy around 6:30am pull up next to me as I was riding to work one day and he says ‘if I ever see you in the road again I’ll kill you’.  Sweet.  I got punched in the head by a motorist and chased down by another guy – but nothing like today. 

So I’m riding a nice country road, about 15 miles from home – it’s a good long winding road just outside of Issaquah, WA – no stop signs, not many cars and decent pavement – it’s a bit closer to ‘yahoo’ territory than I generally like, but I’ve ridden the road a good 4-5 dozen times and never had trouble.  Because I don’t really like group rides – they’re either too long, or have too many stops or here in WA, more than half of the people are snots, or mostly because I don’t like being on anyone else’s timetable, pace and I love my Power Tap too much to ignore it. 

I generally ride with music – to pass the time and to stay motivated and as a fall back, when country retards drive by and yell at you – you can’t hear them.  I usually smile, wave and will sometimes say ‘Jesus loves you’.  Except today. 

Zipping down the road at PRECISELY 230 watts (yes, I know, this is weak) I sort of sensed a car behind me and because I’m more often than not riding a handful of inches from the side of the road, I looked back to see what the deal was.  About 3 yards behind me is a sweet early 90’s Buick, brown and missing all 4 hubcaps. Normally, a Buick isn’t trouble – if there are hubcaps it belongs or belonged to someone’s grandma, if there are no hubcaps, it gets parked near a singlewide probably right next to a jacked-up pickup or a pair of washers /dryers and a broken kid’s riding toy.  The hubcapless Buick often contains the idiot.  The guy who punched me: hubcapless Buick driver.

So I wave the guy by nicely in sort of an annoyed way, ensuring I’m as far over as possible. 

No luck.

So I turn and look and they sort of surge the car at me. 

This is good that I’m riding with Power and not heart rate because I’d totally have been out of my intended training zone.  Sprint anyone?  Yeah – I’m pretty amped now and looking for an exit in the middle of nowhere. 

There was a dirt driveway or road right ahead, so I slow and pull in and ride down 25 meters or so.  My iPod is turned off now and I’m hoping that the chamois is going to absorb that major poo I’m about to have because the Buick with the two yahoos also turns.  It is now, that I distinctively remember the story that Don told me about a similar situation except he just pulled over to pee and gets a gun pulled on him because he was on PRIVATE PROPERTY!.  So there I am, spandex clad in the middle of a dirt road, with 2 yahoos sitting in a car behind me and I’m not sure what is going to happen.  I’ve got a phone, a gun, and an iPod. 

They open both doors and step out – dumb and dumber.  Your classic redneck hicks.  Camouflage -jacket, Hurley hat and overweight.

I asked what the problem was and they instantly insist that I’m gay and should get off the road.  Well fellas, I’m off the road. 

I didn’t get into who had the rights to be on the road, we were sort of past the opening comments and went right into the debate.  Except Butter Cup 1, the driver, goes into the back of the car and gets a bat.  Exit poo.  Almost. 

Butter Cup 2 says ‘hey &^#%$, get off the road’, and I said ‘I’m off, what’s the problem’ and Butter Cut 2 again goes for the tough language, providing me with nothing new to go on.  I’m thinking if Remaly was here he’d be quoting Dasha and yelling ‘OR YOU SUCH STUPID’!  It is at this point that I’ve got 2 guys, one with a bat, both quite stupid – walking towards me, there’s about 20 feet away. 

So the one thing you have to know about having a gun is that if you pull it, you better be 100% prepared to use it. 

So I did.

I pulled it out and went completely insane.  I started in the crazy mode, basically to prove I wasn’t that worried about facing down these two guys – one who was pretty much going to hit me or um, me with a bat.  I played baseball for years – so I know what a bat can do. 

I figured I’d take out each of their legs but I didn’t have to.  They stopped, now there were 3 of us all about to lose our poo. 

I said drop the bat.  I wanted to fit in a ‘go ahead and make my day’ but figured they’d miss the humor in it.

He did. 

I let go of my bike for drama’s sake and let it hit the ground pretty hard (sorry baby). 

They aren’t moving and suddenly I am.  I tell them to walk into the field next to us – there’s a few pricker bushes between where they’re standing and the field – but they get the gist and briskly exit the road we are standing on. 

None of us have the illusion that I’m going to kill them at this point – but I’m not opposed to letting them limp for a lifetime.  I honestly hear nothing at this point.  Just a million thoughts racing. 

So I grab my bike as they sort of walk into this field and I head to their car, gun no longer drawn but the intent is still there.  I take out my cell phone, snap a picture of the license plate and then the two guys.  I grab the bat and really want to just smash a window but get a better idea – throw the bat and take their keys.

As they keep walking I go past their car and grab their keys.  My only other thought is that they have a spare – but I’m counting that they pretty much don’t plan that far in advance.  I see a cell phone on this console like thing – sweet an iPhone!  One of them yells at me but they’re a good 50 yards away.  So now I’ve got their phone and their keys.  It all goes into my pocket and I leap on my bike like I’m at the Cyclocross World Championships. 

I begin riding and 300w is nothing.  I can’t see and I don’t remember anything else.  I just rode.  Really fast. 

About a mile down the road I slow enough to grab the phone and keys out of my back pocket and toss them into the ditch full of water on the side of the road. 

I have a gel, vanilla flavored and slow it back to Z2 and ride home. 

Now what.

Well, I should tell you that I really went ice skating and skiing with the kids. It was pretty uneventful but a lot of fun.  And then I found $5.


Anonymous said...

Great story, and a good reason to be packing. I can't believe all the road rage and hicks there. It's a good thing it wasn't me in your place or I would've pistol-whipped those bastards or worse, and probably gotten in big trouble for it.

Mojdeh said...

Did that REALLY happen?

Loren Pokorny said...

I have to say that it is all fiction.

Kelly said...

fuck, i was reading this and i was like damn how come crazy shit always happens to loren.

im just going to start making stuff up.

Angela said...

Wow, I actually thought this was true. I've been followed by guys in cars before too riding alone. Pretty scary....I was all by myself too!

djconnel said...

Anonymous said...

I was ready to believe it too but then I also was like uhhh, no way. Although weird things do happen to you while riding that never happen to me so it is possible. Maybe people feel less agressive towards a chick alone riding... maybe. Watch something weird happens to me this week.

BTW- I miss riding with you, but NOT being snotted by you.

Schuring Family said...

darnit.. you had me... was a great read and glad I carry a gun, although, never done it on my bike.

tony leonard said...

My kinda girl... thanks for sharing!