Friday, October 30, 2009

The Best of Dasha

jens87 

Like anyone lazier than a yellow lab, I'm going to recycle what has already been written - but with the hope that my awesome and magical abilities that I'm able to resurrect some warm and fuzzy feelings for you.  With that - I bring 'THE BEST OF DASHA" - my greedy little communist pretend girlfriend scammer:

  1. What do you think in this occasion?
  2. With love Dasha.
  3. The data, and I with huge pleasure have received your letter with data.
  4. After all you such magnificent, gentle, lovely, careful, trustful, and the most important thing the beloved whom I searched throughout long years. (note, this was in her 2nd email to me). 
  5. With huge love and set of gentle kisses, yours Dasha.
  6. With all tenderness, yours Dasha.
  7. You missed on me?
  8. Today I have visited the Internet
  9. Yours Dasha which madly loves you!
  10. Without you time lasts as eternity.
  11. With love and a considerable quantity of kisses yours dasha!!!
  12. From the huge Love yours Dasha!
  13. My growth makes 172 centimetres
  14. How are you? How at you mood?
  15. But then it has started to come late home, began to drink often, and sometimes even lifted on me a hand
  16. Only my Daddy could put me on the necessary way.
  17. Whether as you consider acquaintance in what that more serious for example the Internet can turn to happy marriage?
  18. I had a meaning of the life!
  19. The darling I would be glad to speak by with you to phone, but much to our regret at me it have stolen 3 months ago when I went behind purchases.
  20. I search for pure love and romanticists in relations.
  21. To me to become joyfully on a shower
  22. What do you think of it?/How you look at it?
  23. It seems to me that it is love.
  24. You do not read my letters? Or you such stupid!

There you go, Dasha - her words were priceless, or at least $800 for future words.  Analstaysisa keeps writing but just tells me how she needs $950 but FEELS SOOOOOO BAD to ask for the money and has told me that in Moscow "it looks like all people are false here", so true my commie-pinko Russian bear, so true. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Million of Kisses

Just in case you weren't sure - neither Dasha or Anastaysia are real.  In fact, you can see my dear Anastaysia here.  The good thing is that she didn't use the name Lyudmila.  I can't even say it let alone fall in love with a woman with a name that sounds like something I should run to the local urgent care clinic for treatment.  Though they did make an effort to change SOME of the emails from what is on the site- so that makes me feel a bit special though I'm sure it was written by some hairy Sergei dude who probably doesn't even have blonde hair.  I am so over her. 

Though this I have learned a bit about Russian Bride scams - so here's a nice list of Russian women from 60-99.  http://www.elenasmodels.com/index.php.  I think you could get younger, but I'm guessing these ladies will be able to cook, run a plow in straight rows and probably take names in beer pong.  I'm thinking of Larisa now:

image

She's a 'teacher of the English' as a profession - but not sure how good she is because she did write 'teacher of English'.  You'll also note her personality: decent (always a plus in my book!), easy going and hot-tempered.  I'd also guess she's a bit confused but that is ok because she pretty much likes everything.  I also wonder how much drinking is really involved when a 63 year old Russian says 'sometimes'.  I'd prefer if they just posted drinking hours - like noon-11pm or 8:30am to 9pm.  Something like that, then I know when she's good for chores and when she's not. 

My other top choice is Galina - she is more beautiful internally than externally and she's interested in a travel and of course reading books and nespaper, yes she said nespaper.  She's looking for a man up to 75 who is in a good phisical shape.  I'm guessing she can work on spelling with Sada - even team up on the challenge words (we're working on 'add' and 'animal' this week). 

image

Her personal message is confusing but also really deep:

"In my last life I do not lived in Russia (:o), I so think, therefore I all soul want to look the world and other places."

Word Galina.

So there.  That's it.  I'm done with these Commie Bimbos.  I'm going old school, like birthdates pre-1955.  Though not ONE has said they LOVE triathlon or running, that they can craft a perfect mojito (I like my mint MUDDLED til it bleeds!), or they love playing canasta, or enjoy riding in a golf cart at sunset or making cakes from a mix and decorate it like a boob. 

Monday, October 26, 2009

I will need them and it was my choice

Well, it's coming to an end and unlike James Bond, there are no shoot outs, no silk sheets and not even a regular speed car chase.  Dasha is reaching her limit with me, she stopped sending sweet emails and promises of gentle kisses.  All she has done is complain about not having $800 but didn't say that she wanted me to give it to her - so I offered her my frequent flier miles and for some reason - there is one airline in the world not accepting them.  Hers. 

This is her latest e-mail, after the pictures:

(note: here is Anastaysia - she sends lots of pictures, Dasha just sends daily electronic issues of stupid)

GetAttachment GetAttachment2 GetAttachment4 GetAttachment6

Hello my dear Loren! 

My dear I wish to ask you why you did not write to me? I waited for your answer.

My darling Loren I wish to inform you not Pleasant news concerning our meeting which I have received in a bureau

Travel. I consulted to the agent of a bureau and he has told to me that I I can not take advantage of tickets with which you you wish to help me! Business

In that at flight to you my darling Loren is necessary for me To conclude the contract from travelling agency of my city. In turn

The travelling agency, at the conclusion with them the contract, gives to me The full package deal into which will enter - registration of the visa,

The passport for travel abroad, the medical insurance and ticket purchase! As During flight, the travelling agency will bear for me full

Responsibility and for my safety during flight is not necessary To worry. I am very upset in this occasion and now I do not know that

To me to do. In travelling agency to me have told that registration of the visa and Ticket purchase should be made in my country, and that others

Variants are not present more! That you think in this occasion my dear Loern? I very strongly wish to know your opinion as you to me very much

It is strongly expensive. I do not have variants more as I can pay for And now I do not know the ticket that to me to do! I very strongly wish to meet

You as I very strongly value our relations! My daddy You speak that very good person and that with you will wait for us The happy joint future. I very strongly love you and with Impatience I will wait from you for the answer my darling Loren!!! From the huge.

Love yours Dasha!

THEN, after I tell her I'll just give her miles for the tickets, she writes this:

I spoke to you, I cannot take advantage of your tickets! You do not read my letters? Or you such stupid!

I told her I thought she was mean and fat.  Who is stupid here, really?  She ends her email: 'From the huge'.  Dumb.

NOW onto Anastaysia - who is better than Dasha, but not as funny.

GetAttachment3Hello Loren! I don't have enough time to write a long email I'm in a hurry....
Please write me the name of the closest Airport to you (possibly International) and it's code (if you know).  For example the closest Airport to me is Ekaterinburg and it's code is (SVX). I already started to pack my things and I want to start my trip so I will go to Moscow from Ekaterinburg. I have so many worries and I'm so afraid to start everything but if I don't start it now I will never do it!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will go to airlines office now and will buy a tickets to Moscow, its very expensive, but I have some savings so I have money to pay for plane ticket to moscow and to pay for renting room in moscow. As soon as I will arrive to Moscow,
I will finish my documents to travel, as work permission, medical insurance etc. I`m waiting a confirmation of airport from you, so I will buy ticket to your airport. I know it won`t be cheap, but my mother will receive a salary for last 6 months (her work detained wages) and will send me money when I will find out the cost of tickets!I will know this info in Moscow. I asked my sister to take a naked photo of myself because I didn't have any naked photos and I thought I will need them and it was my choice. Also I didn't want all men to look at this pic.... and now I know you little more and I will cross my fingers I'm not wrong in doing this and I will make a show of trust and send you my naked pic to you hoping it will be for your eyes only and you will not show it to someone. I was not comfortable to pose for such pic and I tried to smile, I think the pic is nice. I  don't want to chat about sex or something like that, I just wanted to show you how my body looks like... and that's all. Maybe I shouldn't  do this but I will click "send" button and close my eyes!

OF COURSE I WON'T SHARE IT with all men, just some.  See below.  I figured since she was wearing a birthday suit - she should wear a hat. I think the best part of her mail was that she thought she might need some naked photos and that it was her choice.  You never know I guess when a naked photo will open doors or help solve that big dispute at work. 

birthday (2)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Real Post About Ultra Running and Stuff Not Related to Russian Mail Order Bride Scams

So although my blog title indicates that I'm a triathlete, I'm really just a runner now.  But I can't just run a 10k because I'm not fast and a marathon sounds pretty unchallenging because who doesn't know at least 10 people or more who have done a marathon - so I figure I need to do the 50k to 100 mile stuff.  The only problem is that it's a lot of running and although I like running - I haven't LOVED running - so I'm working on that.  I also haven't sold my tri bike, so I'm not dead yet.  But mostly. 

I'm not running with music and I try and get some portion of every run on a trail AND I have great ideas like - let's run 13 miles today for fun because I can - except I really haven't done that just yet or ever but I intend to.  I am not running fast - maybe 7:45-8 min miles - but it makes completing these harder runs a lot easier.  I'll probably go run the Seattle half marathon the day after thanksgiving - but I'll just run to it or get a ride there and run home afterwards and then there's the Sacramento marathon 2 weeks later that Ian is doing.  My training partner for these longer runs is my friend Sally (Ian's wife is Sally, but this is a different Sally) - she's pretty amazing and she'll likely beat me easily.  Here's a little story about her worth reading.  For now, we're thinking of the Leadville Trail 100 run which is about 10,000 ft up - she'd do the race and I'd be there to pace the last 50k or so, maybe.  I don't do well at altitude and with a family, it makes taking off for a week here and there of 70-100 mile weeks of training a bit more difficult.  I should note that we don't actually train together because she lives in San Francisco and I live in crappy Seattle - so we do our respective workouts and then discuss over IM.

Phone 013I also have a messed up knee, not sure what happened but it hurts when I run a lot.  So I'm getting that checked finally after taking a month off and not seeing any improvement.  In the meantime, I've decided to try and climb/descend 2,000 stories in my building here at work this October.  I get in 50 just going to and from my office - or 25 flights up and 25 down.  It takes about 11-12 mins or so to walk.  I've run it in 8:48 - with the fastest time up in 4:48.  The problem with stairs is that it WORKS the calves so I'm now at a new level of calf awesomeness and pain.  It doesn't hurt my knee, so before I head to the doc's office tomorrow - I need to run so I remember where and how much it hurts. 

Yesterday at lunch I did 7x up and down the building in about an hour and a bit more.  I was dizzy on the 3rd time up - because I don't walk, I run the thing.  Coming down is hard because you're used to going up - and you don't have to think much but going down while dizzy isn't a great idea.  So you have to pay attention and focus.  Of ALL the workouts I've ever done - going up and down the building was in the top 5.  Today I have compression socks on just so I can sit at my desk without much pain.  With shorts on, it's a good look.  The Skins are awesome and Rory gave them to me and I'm grateful for them except when I have to explain that they're not leg warmers and then that always leads to someone telling me I should get ones that have a better design on them and maybe get some pink with polka dots and so on.  I've done 1,120 stories so far - so I need to get climbing. 

I also read a REALLY GOOD book - Ultra Marathon Man by Dean Karnazes.  It's a page turner and he's insane.  It's a great book.  No Russian Brides or anything like that - so just know that.  I'm also running in my Under Armour Specres - the V2 of the shoe and they're so awesome.  The V1 was like a record you had to listen to a few times before you LOVED it, now I love the V2 just like the V1 except they're orange and not yellow and I like yellow more. 

DASHA UPDATE: No email today, when I threw the frequent flier miles offer in lieu of $800 I think she may have decided I wasn't going to cough up any money.  I hope she comes back.  If you're following Anastasiya, she didn't take almost 20 emails to ask for money, she took about 3 to send me a naked picture.   I'll have to post an edited version of that soon. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

With love and a considerable quantity of kisses

Ok, now it's just plain busy managing all of these Russian bride scams.  Dasha without fail is back to her old ways - ruining the English language and Anastasiya just sends pictures and more information than I really care about.  So without any creative skill on my behalf, here are my two lovely ladies - who I may fly here and let them fight it out in a cage match or something - I sort of hope Anastasiya wins.

From Dasha (oh, I should note that in lieu of the $800, I said I'd just buy her a ticket with my frequent flyer miles - so let's see how she gets out of this one) and yes Dasha, I too hope, that we will live all life in a place.

Hello darling Loren! I am very glad that you have answered my letter! How you feel today yourself? I hope that with you all well!  I feel well as I again receive mail from you and your letters always cheer me up.  Road Loren I very much love you. You which most remarkable person I met.   I think that I not when I can not forget you my love Loren.

You have very strongly liked my father. It is very glad for me, that I have found that person as you.  I represent every night as we walk on a night city. At me all thoughts only about you.  Without you time lasts as eternity. I wish you to thank that you wish to help me with tickets. I think that it is very good idea as on registration of all documents

Will leave less time. All mine the remained documents will be issued in a current 10 - 12 working days. Tomorrow I can go to travelling agency and learn as I can take advantage of tickets with which you wish to help me. What you think in this occasion? It is very important to me to know it. Really our meeting will really soon take place!

I very strongly want it. I think every night about our meetings. I all time think of you and even when I work, You at me in thoughts. I dream, that we with you had very clever and beautiful children. I want, that at us were very happy And long relations. I hope, that we will live all life in a place. I very strongly love you my darling Loren.

I with huge impatience will wait for your letter my love Loren.

With love and a considerable quantity of kisses

yours dasha!!!

And now from Anastaysia - but more importantly are her photos - I could use less photos with stuffed animals.

meagain bearmonument in Sochi Me again Me in Sochi Me

Hello dear Loren! I think I'm a lucky girl to meet such good man as you in Internet!
I hope I will be lucky enough to meet you in the real life soon! Yesterday I told my mom about you.
She said that now she doesn`t worry about me as before because now she knows you are a kind
man and can help me if I need your help. You can show me your city and tell me more about the life over there!
I think I didn't write you I like cooking. I can cook some Russian dishes for you! Pelmeni, vareniki, blini, borsch, okroshka!
You will like it! Besides Russian cuisine I like Italian and Mexican. I love spaghetti and pizzza!!!!! mmmmmmm !
I can't live without it! I like Mexican food because it's very spicy, although I don't cook Mexican dishes too often.
I've been told my cooking is very tasty! I like to cook cakes. My favorite is cheese-cake with raspberry! You know...
when I talk about food I'm getting hungry ))) I eat everything and I don't like any diets but usually I don't eat after 7 pm.
This helps me not to be fat! I can cook many tasty things for you when we meet! Sometimes I like to listen to music.
I like almost all kind of Music and my favourite one is pop music and classical. You know.. almost all Russian men are like bears!
They are so rude, they can't be nice and polite, they don't want to have a family. I think you are not like them.
I like to go to the cinema! I really like to watch a good movie with my friends. 50 percents of movies in our cinemas are Russian
and about 50 American. Actually my favorite actor is Johnny Depp and I like all movies with him.
I've watched Pirates of the Carribean (part 3) some time ago! I think the third part is not as good as the first part. Have you seen it?
Could you recommend me any movie so I can watch it? What is your favorite movie and actor?
Soooooooooooooooo......... what else could I say? Sometimes I go to the theatre but not often.
There is only one small theatre in my city and there is nothing interesting.
If I want to watch a good play I should go to the nearest big city, there sometimes can come some famous Russian actors
and dancers but I can't go there often because it's quite expensive.
I want you to know small things about my life, because it will show you who I am.
Ok, I think I will finish my e-mail for today and I should go home to cook some food for my mom and brother!
Anastasiya

PS I'm sending more pics this time! They were taken in Sochi one year ago.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'll be needing a table for 3 please

So Dasha sends a pretty short note, I can't visit you so please send money.  THEN just when I'm about ready to crawl into a ball on the floor and cry, I get this email:

Hello!!!
It is my first time I try to correspondence with man in internet world.
The thing is that I will work abroad for six months or so and I would like to meet a nice man to  be my guide or just be good friend to spend time with. I think that it is hard enough to live in foreign town without friends. I am from a small town here in Russia, I don't want to be alone over there without any relatives or friends!  I want to see the real life over there and maybe you will be able to tell me more about your culture and life over there and give me some information in general! You know, life in Russia is rather difficult,especially in small towns. I don't want to live in Russia because I have not any chances here,it is hardly possible to explain but I want you to know my plans.I saw many stories in news on tv about girls who started a new life and decided to work abroad... So I decided to do the same and to try to find my luck abroad. I started to register my documents about 2 months ago, so I will travel soon and I will be allowed to work! You see I already started to register documents and now I need to decide in which city I want to work. I`m 27 years old and I`m a hardworking lady! (I will work as a dance teacher). You know, I`m a professional dancer, I dance in group on festivals, wedding celebrations etc. But when I will arrive (I will travel alone) I will work as a dance teacher (instructor), I have an international certificate. I can teach ball dances and sport dances. I want to work hard and change my life!

You see that maybe I'm too naive but I still believe in miracles to come! I decided to find a friend and make his city to be my destination.
I think it is great chance to change my life. I am full of plans and dreams My hair is blonde and I have mixed color of eyes (it depends on lightening)...
I think I'm somewhat pretty, but first of all I want to be beautiful inside. I do hope that you will be not disappointed to meet me in the real life when we meet.
I will leave my town in a few days or so (I can't tell you everything exactly right now) and I would like to be sure I have a man who is waiting for me over there. I will work hard and I would like to find a man to spend my free time together to get to know each other better and have some fun together.
If you have any interest to meet me I will be more then happy to meet you too.  If you want I can call you when we get to know each other better it would be nice to talk to you. Sorry I really have to go now. I will write more next time, my sister is waiting for me and I have to go!

Bye-bye!!! Anastasiya (for short you can call me Nastya)

I'm breaking up with Dasha now.  I mean, just how nice the mailbox looks in this picture.  I'm mostly upset that her English is passable and isn't really very funny.  I just have to keep on thinking of the mailbox.

Me[1] postbox[1]

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Dear Dasha, You missed on me?

I think I have to break up with her.  After 18 emails, she FINALLY gets around to sort of asking for $800.  I mean, whomever is on the other side of this really isn't getting their real value out of it.  18 emails and they only want $800?  I need a woman with more courage than to only ask for $800.  My kids ask for more than that though they get a yogurt usually in response to 'can we go to the airport and fly to nanny's house'.  No, here's a yoghurt though. 

So here's what she said today, maybe I'm just not into her anymore.  But once again, her closing line is pretty good.  I'm going to keep this one too.  She does call me her favourite - which is real sweet.  I'm not sure about all these gentle kisses either.  My dog does that and I'm always saying 'Jack, knock it off'.  I hope she's toilet trained, maybe that's where she's a step above Jack.

IMG_0368HEllo my favourite Loren! I'm fine, how there is your day? You missed on me?

Today I have visited the Internet - cafe, and with huge pleasure have received your letter! I have very strongly pleased, when have seen,

That you wish to help me with my travel to you. I am grateful to you for it, that you as well as I do everything that we have met,

Also were happy together! Really we with you a meeting already very soon will take place, I am very glad to it!

My thoughts are filled by each days only about you and about ours with you to a meet ing! To me is not suffered to meet any more

With you and gently to kiss you!

Road Loren, only one me has very strongly upset and has afflicted, how you already know, that yesterday I have visited travelling agency and learnt all

The full information of my travel to you. My agent has informed me that my trip to you will cost 1000 US dollars It is very big sum

For me as I have only 200 US dollars.

My favourite it is very a shame to me to you to speak it, but without your help to me not how not to manage,

As except you not who cannot help me. Road Loren if I was itself in a condition to pay the trip to you

That I already would go tomorrow and have started to legalise papers for arrival in your country as for me money is not important,

For me the most important thing to be near to the favourite person, namely with you my love. I very strongly hope, that you can

To help me and already very soon we will meet you. I very strongly love you!

I with huge impatience will wait for your answer!

Yours Dasha which madly loves you!

I wrote back to her and like her letters, I completely ignored everything she asked me. I'm trying out different endings to my short responses - today I used:

"My heart grows as large as a New Jersey housewife for you" - Lorpeedo.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

With All Tenderness, Yours Dasha

This is terrible news, but like all the women I know it comes down to concluding the contract from travelling agency.  THE NERVE!  This poor woman doesn't even have a phone - so I don't understand how she could have expected to come for 3 weeks, buy a plane ticket and of course spend all of my waking hours embraced in kisses.  I'll have to offer her my frequent flier miles for which I'm sure there will be some answer as in, well they don't take those miles because they fly on dinosaurs or something ridiculous like that.  So here's the latest.  It's barely funny.  I also got crap from someone speaking as a Christian who said I should be "acting like a husband and father and stop posting other women's pictures".  Well, frankly if my wife would send me bikini photos, I'd post those and since she isn't and Dasha is, I have to post them.  So there.  But as uniter and not a divider, I'll post a picture of another woman that my wife took when I was with my daughters - so there.

IMG_1679Hola my darling Loren! (note: I think she just went Spanish on me)

I am very glad to receive from you the letter.

My dear as you already know, today I visited travelling agency to learn all information on official registration of papers necessary for flight in your country.

I talked to the agent of a bureau and it has given me the detailed information on my travel and on its cost. This sum which named to me the agent, is much more than I assumed, after all I do not have even half of this money and it seems to me that I will have difficulties with search of the rest of money, which so is necessary for me to conclude the contract from travelling agency. I am very strongly upset in this occasion.

My favourite, I really wish to meet you, but in such situation I do not know that to me now to do, as I did not count on such price. I very much want with you will meet and to spend with you the best time in my life. In each days I think only of you. I imagine ours with you a meeting, our first conversation, our first embrace and our first kiss. All these moments are very important for me and I will remember them for all life! I very much hope that already very soon we will meet you, and we will be happy together! This my most secret desire!

I with huge impatience will wait for your answer.

With all tenderness, yours Dasha.

I do honestly love these closing lines.  I'm going to use them myself.  Not on myself, but I'll use them in my future correspondence.  Oh yea, if you're wondering about Barbie, I've got a 4 year old who carries this poor lady everywhere.  Even to the pumpkin patch.

ON ANOTHER COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE

Don't ask how I got here but I was on Amazon and was searching and noted the related products and began to dig:

image

I thought this was weird.  Then I looked at the related products:

image

Yup, they buy this $20,000 Star Wars like tank and of course, colored toilet paper.  Then it got worse as I went down the page:

image

Yup. this is real - visit the link above and you'll see it too.  Dead Rabbit, more toilet paper, Whole Milk, a Book on Birth COntrol and Christianity, Zubaz Pants and a Wedding Chapel.

And just in case you wondered who bought Zubaz pants, well those same guys buy these t-shirts. 

image

I'm stopping now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

With Huge Pleasure Have Received Your Letter With Data

b_img23 (3) I'm a business analyst.  Often times I say data is sexy.  I don't know what this means, but it's a way of making numbers seem more interesting if you say it's sexy.  I didn't even give my dearest one any data, but somehow in her messed up Russian translated head, she thinks I gave her data.  She asked me where I lived and I told her well, don't visit me here - visit me somewhere in the US where it is nice, like maybe California (present weather patterns excluded).  She calls this data.  My standards are at a new low today.  I now know why Russian men have taken a hand to her and why they drink.  She doesn't listen, but I forgive her if she keeps sending me bikini pictures. 

(Note: ladies, if you've messed up, send your man bikini pictures or send them to me and I'll tell your man that you're ok)

So here is the latest.  For fun, I've asked her the same exact questions I did a week ago.  She of course  will be informing me all that to me will tell in a bureau or whatever the hell that means.

I'm also including the same picture I've posted before because who says 'no thank you' to bikini pictures except maybe my Nana?

From Dasha:

Hello my dear Loren!!!

It is very pleasant to me to receive your answer!!!

My darling as your mood today? Today I have again visited the Internet - whether cafe and have decided to check up you have written to me

The data, and I with huge pleasure have received your letter with data. Tomorrow I am going to visit travelling agency for this purpose,

To learn the full information of my travel to you and as soon as I learn all information of my travel to you, I will necessarily inform you all that to me will tell in a bureau.

To me is not suffered to meet any more you, to embrace you strong and gently to kiss. I think in each days only of you and about

Ours with you to a meeting!

Even my fellow workers have noticed, that I have changed and became on much self-assured girl after I have found

You. After all you such magnificent, gentle, lovely, careful, trustful, and the most important thing the beloved whom I searched

Throughout long years.

I very strongly love you, and I hope, that already very soon we will be happy together!!!

With huge love and set of gentle kisses, yours Dasha.

(Note: if any woman signs a letter 'with love and set of gentle kisses' - I would probably fall for them.  If my wife read this (she doesn't) and employed such magical phraseology she'd have herself a new BMW).  

BTW - here is what I sent to her the other day, run through a translator which now explains why her emails are mostly insane:

Congratulate Dasha, my shapoopie

I am very sad to hear that your phone is stolen, we do not talk about trees or even my last run, or that would have made profiles. This terrible. I believe that you are wonderful and, of course, I am very romantic and love trees and birds sing many times I like sandwiches for lunch with birds. Propose warmth and care-I will make you fires and get some of the finest silks.

Let me break down yourself.

First I will dress in minute pajamas and/or loungewear, that my closet can offer. I will try several options, but ultimately will avoid specially set red silk pajamas, because they make me sad. This is because I wear that outfit previous occasions.
After I chose clothing, underlines my male attributes still feels soft against my skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of a mirror, looks for any wrinkles or imperfections. Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe I then will I have to the bar where I will create a sensual cocktail, which will be extremely update and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. Cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I never tasted before. Make will look as if the establishment on the ground, but its incredible complexity and balance will, it seems unlikely.

But I cannot say with absolute certainty that, Yes, then and there, invented a cocktail.

Then it will be time to create stole the dish for me. Food certainly will consist of seared Scallops in butter and tenderly sprinkled with relevant herbs and spices. I will also be some Asparagus Sauté and cauliflower, I bought last week because if I do not prepare it tonight he probably will go bad. All these elements will be slow and seductively entered into his mouth when I will savor every bite. Will also bread.

My whetted the appetite of successfully will take for the living room, where I will light a fire and hand feed himself strawberries. I will look at themselves in the mirror and say reassuring things to do this. Things like, "you deserve love," beautiful and form, and have extensive wardrobe of clothing that all fit very well." also will say, "this is not your wine" several times. It may be hard for me to fully consider the words coming out of my mouth, but I want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.

Then will I take a shower.

After I dried himself with fine Egyptian cotton towels, blending will I beckon me my bedroom, and there I will reach new levels of Ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. Although this will be very full, eventually will be much like, are going to see the range Jodeci and realizing that K-CI is not the special evening. Simply JoJo. It's just not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good.

The next morning I will lay the assortment of bagels and any flavor cream cheese, that one can imagine. I would also just squeezed grapefruit juice. For breakfast, I would expect as, despite the setbacks, I had in the past year, I may still be safe in the knowledge that I can refer to a fantastic evening all to myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I know this is not true, as I eat my breakfast.

Your friend, Loren

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

20 Days and Exactly One Month Will Proceed

Well, my best effort to weird her out didn't work.  The Dasha is back with a vengeance and of course some bikini photos and a promise to visit my nearest airport and provide relations in a real kind!  I sort of think her terrible English is sort of cute, but then I imagine a real live conversation with this woman, I imagine I'd have to drink a bit to get on the same level and to really enjoy the tall trees and birds and pure love and romanticists in relations.  

So without a whole lot of content from me (I'm busy trying to get my head around having to run a 50k trail race at altitude in a few months)

b_img25 (3)блондблонд1

Hello my dear Loren!

How you have spent day? I am very glad that you have answered my letter! To me you are very pleasant that as well as I wish to meet! It is very important for me as in my soul the set of emotions which has collected are pulled out from heart. I need to tell to you concerning our relations much, I with impatience wait day of ours with you for a meeting. I hope that you will like my new photo!

I wish to inform that on work the heads give me holiday which will begin in 20 days and exactly one month will proceed. And I very much would like to spend all my holiday together with you. What do you think of it?

I when did not leave for limits of Russia earlier and I very much would like to visit somewhere other country, especially near to such person as you! It for me will be very interesting and important to see you and to try to create our relations in a real kind. I will be assured that at us with you to turn out all that we want!!! How you look at it? Whether you are ready to meet me at yourself?

Certainly I will not insist on a meeting in your country and if you want that can visit me having arrived in my city. But I very much would like to learn as there live people abroad Russia, to look all most beautiful places of your city, to get acquainted with your family and certainly more close to learn you, all fine parties of your life. It seems to me that at us with you all will turn out that we will want, together we can live a long happy life.

What do you think of it? My dear Loren if you really would want that I have arrived to your country that you the address and the nearest airport in which I should tell to me I can arrive. When I will obtain these data that I can go to travelling agency and to learn what necessary documents it is necessary to issue for flight to you my dear Loren!

What do you think in this occasion? It is very important to me to know your opinion. I really very much wish to meet you and to try to create our relations in a real kind. I very much hope that you think just as I!

On it I finish the letter and with impatience I wait for your answer with good news!

With love Dasha.

There is a lot of 'what do you think of it' this time.  Gosh.  A lot of thinking!  I'm still curious how she can come visit me for 20 days but doesn't have the cashola to get herself a phone.  If she could cut a few more hairs and say out from behind purchases - then we can take this relationship to the next level!

Love is mysterious....

Monday, October 12, 2009

Dasha, Dasha, Dasha

I was in Canada and because she actually doesn't read my mail, she didn't know I wasn't going to respond.  But she did send this e-mail with a major improvement in her spelling, I've highlighted some Dasha classic lines:

b_img22[1]Hello my darling Loren!

How are you? How you feel yourself? I'm fine. It is especially good, when I think of you. When I think of you, at me the good mood always rises. The love gives to me many positive emotions. I wish to thank you for it.

I very often think of the future. Possibly each woman reflects over it sooner or later. I very much would like to find the unique love full of tenderness and happiness in this life. I had a meaning of the life! You to me are very nice also we we know each other already enough, I think that near to you I will be happy! What do you think of it?

The darling I would be glad to speak by with you to phone, but much to our regret at me it have stolen 3 months ago when I went behind purchases.

I very much would like to know your opinion concerning our meeting? How you represent ours with you a meeting? Whether you are ready to this serious step? But thus there is one difficulty - it consists in overcoming of the big distance between our countries. But it seems to me that the love will solve all problems and will overcome all difficulties and barriers. What do you think of it? Last night I long could not fall asleep and left on street, having looked at the night star sky I began to represent ours with you a meeting! It seemed to me that we with you go along beautiful avenue you strong hold me for a hand and whisper me on an ear pleasant loving words, round us there are big trees and wonderful singing of birds is heard! At me still it is a lot of representations about ours with you to a meeting but it is impossible to express these feelings through letters! I wish to feel you, your gentle sight, your smile, your strong hands.

I so require warmth and care.

I search for pure love and romanticists in relations.

I love when all beautifully, perfectly, gently and romantically! The most important my desire it to have a family, the favourite person nearby, care and a constant support in a difficult minute,

Here to what to aspire each person in a life and I too. You like me also I think, that our relations can be deeper.

I do not know as to explain it words. I simply feel it.

Your letters do my mood high. To me to become joyfully on a shower (note: Greg, I know this one will have you falling out of your seat).

I want it because I start to understand, that between us there is something

It is more than friendship. It seems to me, that this feeling of trust to each other,

It seems to me that it is love.

It seems to me that you too feel it. I completely trust you and I open to you the soul, I share with you the most frank impressions. It is very important to me to know your opinion in this occasion so please be in earnest about all to it very much. On it I will finish the letter and c impatience I will wait for yours.

With love yours Dasha.

So, her English is better and even though I've actually said nothing, she is in love.  Where was she in 6th grade - I could have used love and romanticists in relations then.  I need to tell her this romantic stuff makes me sick. She doesn't ever mention running or biking or even Z3, which to me is a red flag. Here is my response:

Dearest Dasha, my shapoopie,

I am of sad to hear that your phone was stolen, we cannot speak of trees or even my latest run or what Pre would have done.  That is terrible. I believe that you are wonderful and I am of course very romantic and love trees and birds who sing, many times I enjoy sandwiches at lunch where the birds are present.  I can offer warmth and care - I will make you fires and obtain some of the finest silks. 

Let me break it down for myself.

First I will dress in the finest pajamas and/or loungewear that my closet has to offer. I will try several options, but will ultimately avoid the tailored set of red silk pajamas since they make me sad. This is because I have worn that outfit on many previous occasions.

Once I have selected an outfit that accentuates my masculine attributes yet feels soft against my skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of the mirror looking for any wrinkles or imperfections. At this time, I will also see how the clothes hold up against many different poses and stances.

Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe, I will then lead myself to the bar, where I will create a sensual cocktail that will be extremely refreshing and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. The cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I have ever tasted before. I will make it appear as if I'm creating it on the spot, but its incredible sophistication and balance will make that seem unlikely.

But I can say with absolute certainty that, yes, the cocktail will be invented then and there.

Then it will be time to create a sumptuous meal for myself. The meal will no doubt consist of scallops seared in butter and tenderly sprinkled with appropriate herbs and seasonings. I will also sauté some asparagus as well as that cauliflower I bought last week, because if I do not cook it tonight it will probably go bad. All of these items will be slowly and seductively put into my mouth where I will savor every bite. There will also be bread.

My appetite successfully whetted, I will take myself to the living room where I will light a fire and hand-feed myself strawberries. I will look at myself in the mirror and say reassuring things as I do this. Things like, "You deserve love," and "You are handsome and in shape and have an extensive wardrobe of clothes that all fit very well." I will also say "It's not your fault" several times. It may be hard for me to fully believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I will want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.

I will then take a shower.

Once I have dried myself off with fine Egyptian cotton-blend towels, I will beckon myself to my bedroom, and it is there that I will reach new levels of ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. While this will be very satisfying, it will in the end be much like going to see the band Jodeci and realizing that K-Ci is not there that particular evening. Just JoJo. It is simply not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good.

The next morning I will lay out an assortment of bagels and any flavor of cream cheese that one can imagine. I will also have freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. Over breakfast I will contemplate how, despite the setbacks I've had over the past year, I can still be secure in the knowledge that I can treat myself to a fantastic evening all by myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I will know this to be true as I eat my breakfast.

Your friend,

Loren

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Internet can turn to happy marriage?

We're on day.... 4 maybe?  Here's the latest from Dasha.  I would guess by the quality of her writing that she is not sleeping at all.  It's getting worse.  So here's the latest:

Hello my darling Loren!

Thanks for that that you have answered my letter!

How are you? How you have spent the day?

I am glad to receive your letters and to read them, to see as you concern me, it is very pleasant to me to receive your letters and to hear these words as to the girl!

Today I would like to talk to you, that we wish to receive from ours with you correspondences. What exactly do you search for acquaintance through the Internet? Love and family creation, or simply friendship and dialogue? On what you are ready to go for the sake of love? It is very important to me to receive answers to these questions. 

As it is very interesting to me to learn you communicate only with me, or you have other girls with whom you communicate on the Internet?

I have addressed to the Internet to acquaintance as there there are many possibilities to find to themselves the suitable man for family creation. Now I am puzzled to searches of the person for creation the families much at my age already have children and live happily, I too very strongly would like it.

With each letter I feel, that I become closer to you. I look forward each your letter. When I receive your letter my heart starts to fight more often. I am so happy, that I have found you. I constantly think of you. A floor of year back one my good girlfriend has got acquainted with the young man through the Internet, they wrote each other letters spoke pleasant loving words much and after a while he has invited my girlfriend to arrive to it to the country for a meeting. Now my girlfriend lives in other country very happily and waits for the child. When it came to Russia that has told to me that her husband very good kind and lovely person which when will not give it in insult. Foreign men very strongly differ from Russian as they more decent and always remain are more decent to the wife, that for them the main this family well-being. I am very glad that at my girlfriend there all well!

Looking at it to me too very much it wanted to to find the real man and here I have met you and we exchange letters, for me it is all seriously. To me very much to like to learn about you with each your letter more and more, thereby we become is more close to each other. Tell please as you represent a happy family? And you have friends which found the partners in life through the Internet acquaintance? Whether as you consider acquaintance in what that more serious for example the Internet can turn to happy marriage? It is very important to me to know answers to these questions so please be in earnest about it more. It is very pleasant to me to communicate with you and it seems to me that if we maintain further our friendly relations that at us all can turn out as well as well as at my girlfriend. What do you think of it? As I very much would like that you in the following letter have told to me about the feelings and if to you not difficultly that please send me more than the photos more.

I with impatience will look forward to hearing from you.

your good friend Dasha.

There you go.  Lots of pressure to marry this woman or at least speak pleasant loving words and remain decent to the wife.  I have mostly written back and said, where are some more pictures, the bikini ones are particularly of acceptable nature.  Do not make me lift a hand Dasha.

I know this is a scam, but I'm keeping at it.  It's mostly fun to mess with them.  I've had scammers before and acted really quite stupid - like give them the wrong address and ask them to resend things, to FedEx me etc...  it's all good fun! But let's pretend it is real.  The content alone is pretty awesome.  I need to demand a photo of the good colonel.  Daddy. And then of course we become is more close to each other and we can represent a happy family.

I'm also off to Whistler BC to go run some trails and hang with Piper.  I'm trying to stay out of Z3. 

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dear Dasha

b_img24[1]I'm only on day 2 or 3 with my new girlfriend Dasha.  She's sort of interesting and her English provides me with 'many laughs' throughout the day.  I honestly have no idea how she got my e-mail except through this blog, so if she is reading this I'm in trouble (sorry baby!).  I wasn't sure what she really wants but it's becoming quite clear in her recent emails.  

I usually just write back to her with pretty normal responses to her questions  - though some of them are a bit weird:

I imagine an in person conversation going like this:

Her: At you many good friends?

Me: at who? 

Her: Tell to me a little about the family and how you spend with them the free time?

Me: The free time is spent hiking and reading and playing and making chocolate milk

Her: Also tell to me about you, what you liked to do in the childhood?

Me: In the childhood I played sports.  I also watched James Bond.  You know him? 

Her: To like you Russia?

Me: to who like what?  Do I like Russia, sure so long as I am not there and they're not here.  It is good.

Her: You have friends, or relatives in Russia?

Me: Um, you. 

Her: And as whom you work?

Me: I work as Loren.

I mean, the whole time I read her questions I think of Borat asking them: How do you spend the free time?  You like sexy?

So here's the latest batch from my little Russkie (that might be insensitive):

Hello the my dear friend. Today I have come to the Internet of cafe and much to our regret I have not found out your letter.

You do not wish to communicate with me? I hope that when I will come tomorrow in the Internet of cafe I will find out your letter.

With love yours Dasha.

I'm glad she's sort of mad I didn't write back, but I did.  She is also now signing 'with love' - which is awesome.  I should ask how she is at cleaning bike chains. 

Then she apparently got my email and sent this masterpiece (I'm including this photo again because I can):

b_img23[1] Hello my friend! How are you? How at you mood?

I have had time to become bored of you and under your letters. Already with impatience I expect each your letter. My familiar people say, that I recently very raised and joyful. I think, that dialogue with you has changed me to the best. And it cheers me up. I rejoice for you, that you write till now to me. Very much I hope, that you also joyfully perceive dialogue with me. Your letters cause in me hope of the best. I also wish to learn about your sensations and feelings.

The darling I ask you to tell to me about the 2 daughters. I madly love children, but much to our regret I still do not have children.

In private life to me has not carried, before I met the man, at all of us with it it was good, we lived together loved each other. But then it has started to come late home, began to drink often, and sometimes even lifted on me a hand. Later I have learnt that it to me changes is became last drop in our relations. After that I was some months in full despair, I did not want more with anybody serious relations. It is necessary to tell many thanks to my DADDY that it calmed me all this time. Only my Daddy could put me on the necessary way. Not looking at the age my daddy very strong person morally and physically and to it I completely trust and I listen to its wise advice.

Now I wish to find the real man for serious relations but not in Russia and in other country. As now it is very heavy to find the good man in Russia! I have very serious intentions and I do not love when somebody plays with my feelings. I very much want a family and children, I want that my children had a light fine future. I hope you understand that I have in view of?

I very much would like to find to myself the future husband, and on it I have decided to address to Internet acquaintance. It seems to me, what exactly here I can find to myself suitable pair. The person who will appreciate, understand and love me as the woman is necessary to me. Many women of my age have already married and give birth to children, and I too dream to become happy mother as well as they. Much to our regret I do not have house computer and I am compelled to visit the cafe Internet. But I will write to you regularly and to answer each your message. Send to me please more than your new photos! On it I will finish the letter, with the best regards your good friend

Dasha.

I know that a few of you are DYING and will read this again and will send me nice comments.  It's also quite clear what my darling Dasha is now looking for.  Other than "sending more than the new photos" I'm not sure what the next move is.  Sadly, we're back to her being a good friend and no "with love".  Damnit.

I really want to send one of the following pictures and say it's me:

jens87 khq_csk matt1981 271739734_scan0086  floppy1992

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

From Russia With Love: Dasha

Somehow this woman got the idea that she had spoken to me before.  So she now e-mails me everyday.  Her name is Dascha and she's from Russia.  She sends me these long emails and tells me about her day, her hobbies and such - a paragraph or more at least  I just go along because I don't get it - so it will be a new series on my blog.  She asks me mostly where I work and "what you liked to do in the childhood".  I suspect she's husband shopping but in the meantime, she's all mine and of course yours to read about. 

Got any questions I should ask or things I should say?  This should really be a collaborative effort. 

Here is her first letter.

I hope, that you remember me still. Some time ago we got acquainted. I do not remember what is the time back it ago. Later, I don't had opportunity to write to you. Just now I can write to you. I hope, that for this long time you do not forgotten me and we can continue our dialogue. I send to you my new picture. I hope you will be like it. I shall wait your new letter very much.

Your friend Dasha!

Here is her second letter.  I'm guessing English isn't her first language:

Hello my new friend! It seems to me that we learn each other better in sew to correspondence. The dear friend now I would like to learn more about you and about your life than you like to be engaged and how to spend time. But at first I wish to tell to you about myself. As you already know my name is Dasha to me of 29 years. My growth makes 172 centimetres weight about 54 kgs. I consider myself attractive cheerful clever and to the extent of independent. On a nationality I Russian. I conduct a healthy way of life as I do not smoke and I do not abuse alcohol. Now I live with my father in the fine city of St.-Petersburg, you probably heard about us. It is very fine city.

Several years ago I have finished institute, but work by a trade I have not found and now I work as the hairdresser. And as whom you work? I hope that you will find time to answer my letter. We can get acquainted with you more close. I would like to ask, that you have sent me the photo. I with impatience look forward to hearing from you!!!!!

Your friend Dasha.

b_img22 (3) b_img23 (2)

I'll post more later - but figured I'd get this out.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Oktoberfest

IMG_1594 Since I was in Munich and it was Oktoberfest, we had to cut our meeting short.  Instead of going all day, we cut it to 2pm or so and then headed out.  We had a few warnings and I read a few funny things- but it was a great and pretty interesting experience.  I went with my boss who speaks German - which was nice because I generally had no idea what 95% of what I read meant though beer and bier are pretty easy to figure out.  The tents (about the size of a circus tent) open at 10am and close at 10pm.  I though this seemed sort of short, until I had the beer and realized that people were not going to make it much past 10pm anyhow.  People of all ages were there - from kids in their early teens to old folks.  It was more like a fraternity party where everyone was invited and it didn't smell so bad.

You sort of feel like a tourist when you don't have your lederhosen or dirndl on but no one made any mention of it.  I actually think that the whole thing is really designed for the men.  The beer comes in massive glasses - a liter - and the women all wear outfits that lead little to the imagination when it comes to the size of their, well....um, chests. It may, for this reason alone be the single greatest holiday anywhere.  Ever.

The greatest warning I got was around the strength of the beer.  It was almost 2x as strong as the beer you'd get in the states and then of course, your mug is a whole liter.  I found that you can also smash the living snot out of the mugs - hitting each other, banging the table or if you're not careful, whacking yourself good in the head.  The basic protocol seemed to be if someone smiled or said anything - you'd do a 'cheers' and then have a sip.  Before even getting to the tables, we made sure to eat a massive plate of apple pancakes followed by an even more massive place of sauerkraut and sausages.  I don't really understand how with this incredible diet more Germans aren't the size of Americans - but they're not. 

Here is a more common sight and then less common ones.  Not only were most of the men in this outfit, a good majority were leaning on one another.  The fellows in the far right photo are Brits, you could spot them a kilometer away - they were the ones pounded at 4pm and unable to walk and very white and not wearing Lederhosen.  In 2nd photo, the guy in the middle is actually trying to walk straight but despite his good intentions, he mostly sucked at it.  Of course, seeing that little lady in her slightly less traditional dirndl might have had something to do with it. 

IMG_1592 IMG_1599 IMG_1600

So here's basically my narrative of the next few hours.  Pick a tent.  They have beer in all of them, they all look the same you pick them based on the lack of lines.  There are about 100,000 people per tent and I think around 12 or 14 tents.  They're big and everyone smokes.  Most of them are covered in blue and white streamers - I'm guessing my mom helped out.  She's really good at streamers. 

 IMG_1601

So among all of these people you find a seat.  Since there were two of us, we needed 2 seats, no seat no beer. 

IMG_1605

The band above was playing, the problem is that they were playing 'Country Road' by John Denver.  Except it had a tuba in it this time.  And for the first time ever, people were dancing by the dozens to the song - probably a first.  John Denver and beer have never been so good together since well, John Denver had a beer. 

IMG_1602 

Here are two costumed ladies.  I mostly took this because she was pretty ripped and you can see her boobs.  Sorry Gretchen.  Then of course you see Americans.

IMG_1615 IMG_1612IMG_1618

You can spot them anywhere.  Actually, english speaking folks you can spot anywhere.  Usually the older Americans you can spot because the men are Veterans (thanks fellas!) which you know because their wives are round and they're all wearing USS (INSERT SHIP'S NAME HERE) baseball hats.  I also think since they're veterans that they're walking around thinking "Nazi Bastards" at everyone.  The real Nazis were actually having a rally over in the town square.  That part is true.

IMG_1607 

Then you get the menu and you try and figure out if you want Munchener Leberknodelsuppe mit Schnittlauch or not.  Turns out my boss who I was with spoke German, so he helped me out.  Good thing because the first thing we ordered was out - and I would have needed another 3 hours to figure out what I wanted not to mention another half hour trying to figure out if the waitress was telling me they were out of it or if I was an idiot.  I ended up with 4 sausages and the best sauerkraut ever.  And then comes the beer.

IMG_1608 

Not much to say but a liter is a lot.  And basically anytime anyone does just about anything it is cheers worthy and you drink again.  Then the radish and pickle vendors walk by.  I can't imagine anything that pairs better with beer than those two.  They're traditional I guess but some traditions should probably be discontinued.  I'm also not sure where the pickle lady's fork had been - so really am I going to just order a pickle that gets handed down the table like a beer at a baseball game? 

IMG_1610  IMG_1613

Then these ladies joined us for the next few hours I think.  They admitted to my boss that they were there for some action.  Then asked him if he was my dad.  The action ended right about then. They talked with him in German and looked at me and laughed a lot.  And 'cheers' a lot.  Then asked my name.  So I showed my license rather than try and say it.  It turns out they spoke english fine but decided to torture me.  My middle name is Stewart and they called me Little Stewart because of the children's book until I told them it was the other way around.  This is Caroline and Sebene.  They were fun - they would have been fun to break out for parties and just about any other time you wanted someone time smile at you and yell "ein Prosit".  They asked if I liked Germans. 

IMG_1617   IMG_1622

Then after 1 beer (yes, this all happened with one beer).  I thought I had to have another.  Then by the time I got the next one I found out why people were so lit.  I struggled.  I think I left a splash in the mug and we left.  I had to fly to Seattle the next morning.  So we decided to walk a bit and I took some snappies:

IMG_1629 IMG_1631  IMG_1641 IMG_1642

Then after it's all over, you have to figure out which train you're going to take home and I think the tracks look a lot like I saw them in this photo:

IMG_1643

But the highlight of the people watching was this fellow.  He was an Aussie or South African.  I met one of his friends.  He stood there for at least 5 mins or so - just swaying with a non-existent breeze.  Then he walked.  See video below:

 IMG_1634

Then I got a text from a co-worker who was going to try and meet us - I saved it because it was funny - the spelling has been preserved.  His name starts with a D, not O.

"Had one stein. Ouch.  Niche mas.  Will meets up with yu tomomooreew.  Just going to wanteer a bit.  O"