Monday, October 12, 2009

Dasha, Dasha, Dasha

I was in Canada and because she actually doesn't read my mail, she didn't know I wasn't going to respond.  But she did send this e-mail with a major improvement in her spelling, I've highlighted some Dasha classic lines:

b_img22[1]Hello my darling Loren!

How are you? How you feel yourself? I'm fine. It is especially good, when I think of you. When I think of you, at me the good mood always rises. The love gives to me many positive emotions. I wish to thank you for it.

I very often think of the future. Possibly each woman reflects over it sooner or later. I very much would like to find the unique love full of tenderness and happiness in this life. I had a meaning of the life! You to me are very nice also we we know each other already enough, I think that near to you I will be happy! What do you think of it?

The darling I would be glad to speak by with you to phone, but much to our regret at me it have stolen 3 months ago when I went behind purchases.

I very much would like to know your opinion concerning our meeting? How you represent ours with you a meeting? Whether you are ready to this serious step? But thus there is one difficulty - it consists in overcoming of the big distance between our countries. But it seems to me that the love will solve all problems and will overcome all difficulties and barriers. What do you think of it? Last night I long could not fall asleep and left on street, having looked at the night star sky I began to represent ours with you a meeting! It seemed to me that we with you go along beautiful avenue you strong hold me for a hand and whisper me on an ear pleasant loving words, round us there are big trees and wonderful singing of birds is heard! At me still it is a lot of representations about ours with you to a meeting but it is impossible to express these feelings through letters! I wish to feel you, your gentle sight, your smile, your strong hands.

I so require warmth and care.

I search for pure love and romanticists in relations.

I love when all beautifully, perfectly, gently and romantically! The most important my desire it to have a family, the favourite person nearby, care and a constant support in a difficult minute,

Here to what to aspire each person in a life and I too. You like me also I think, that our relations can be deeper.

I do not know as to explain it words. I simply feel it.

Your letters do my mood high. To me to become joyfully on a shower (note: Greg, I know this one will have you falling out of your seat).

I want it because I start to understand, that between us there is something

It is more than friendship. It seems to me, that this feeling of trust to each other,

It seems to me that it is love.

It seems to me that you too feel it. I completely trust you and I open to you the soul, I share with you the most frank impressions. It is very important to me to know your opinion in this occasion so please be in earnest about all to it very much. On it I will finish the letter and c impatience I will wait for yours.

With love yours Dasha.

So, her English is better and even though I've actually said nothing, she is in love.  Where was she in 6th grade - I could have used love and romanticists in relations then.  I need to tell her this romantic stuff makes me sick. She doesn't ever mention running or biking or even Z3, which to me is a red flag. Here is my response:

Dearest Dasha, my shapoopie,

I am of sad to hear that your phone was stolen, we cannot speak of trees or even my latest run or what Pre would have done.  That is terrible. I believe that you are wonderful and I am of course very romantic and love trees and birds who sing, many times I enjoy sandwiches at lunch where the birds are present.  I can offer warmth and care - I will make you fires and obtain some of the finest silks. 

Let me break it down for myself.

First I will dress in the finest pajamas and/or loungewear that my closet has to offer. I will try several options, but will ultimately avoid the tailored set of red silk pajamas since they make me sad. This is because I have worn that outfit on many previous occasions.

Once I have selected an outfit that accentuates my masculine attributes yet feels soft against my skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of the mirror looking for any wrinkles or imperfections. At this time, I will also see how the clothes hold up against many different poses and stances.

Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe, I will then lead myself to the bar, where I will create a sensual cocktail that will be extremely refreshing and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. The cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I have ever tasted before. I will make it appear as if I'm creating it on the spot, but its incredible sophistication and balance will make that seem unlikely.

But I can say with absolute certainty that, yes, the cocktail will be invented then and there.

Then it will be time to create a sumptuous meal for myself. The meal will no doubt consist of scallops seared in butter and tenderly sprinkled with appropriate herbs and seasonings. I will also sauté some asparagus as well as that cauliflower I bought last week, because if I do not cook it tonight it will probably go bad. All of these items will be slowly and seductively put into my mouth where I will savor every bite. There will also be bread.

My appetite successfully whetted, I will take myself to the living room where I will light a fire and hand-feed myself strawberries. I will look at myself in the mirror and say reassuring things as I do this. Things like, "You deserve love," and "You are handsome and in shape and have an extensive wardrobe of clothes that all fit very well." I will also say "It's not your fault" several times. It may be hard for me to fully believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I will want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.

I will then take a shower.

Once I have dried myself off with fine Egyptian cotton-blend towels, I will beckon myself to my bedroom, and it is there that I will reach new levels of ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. While this will be very satisfying, it will in the end be much like going to see the band Jodeci and realizing that K-Ci is not there that particular evening. Just JoJo. It is simply not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good.

The next morning I will lay out an assortment of bagels and any flavor of cream cheese that one can imagine. I will also have freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. Over breakfast I will contemplate how, despite the setbacks I've had over the past year, I can still be secure in the knowledge that I can treat myself to a fantastic evening all by myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I will know this to be true as I eat my breakfast.

Your friend,

Loren

4 comments:

Erich Wegscheider said...

The perfect response!

What picture did you end up sending to her?

Greg Remaly said...

I'm waiting until she asks for your credit card info or something. It has to be coming.

Don Wesley said...

FYI - This is what she is reading...

Congratulate dasha, my shapoopie

I am very sad to hear that your phone is stolen, we do not talk about trees or even my last run, or that would have made profiles. This terrible. I believe that you are wonderful and, of course, I am very romantic and love trees and birds sing many times I like sandwiches for lunch with birds. Propose warmth and care-I will make you fires and get some of the finest silks.

Let me break down yourself.

First I will dress in minute pajamas and/or loungewear, that my closet can offer. I will try several options, but ultimately will avoid specially set red silk pajamas, because they make me sad. This is because I wear that outfit previous occasions.

After I chose clothing, underlines my male attributes still feels soft against my skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of a mirror, looks for any wrinkles or imperfections. I will also see how clothing hold up against many different positions and positions.

Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe I then will I have to the bar where I will create a sensual cocktail, which will be extremely update and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. Cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I never tasted before. Make will look as if the establishment on the ground, but its incredible complexity and balance will, it seems unlikely.

But I cannot say with absolute certainty that, Yes, then and there, invented a cocktail.

Then it will be time to create stole the dish for me. Food certainly will consist of seared Scallops in butter and tenderly sprinkled with relevant herbs and spices. I will also be some Asparagus Sauté and cauliflower, I bought last week because if I do not prepare it tonight he probably will go bad. All these elements will be slow and seductively entered into his mouth when I will savor every bite. Will also bread.

My whetted the appetite of successfully will take for the living room, where I will light a fire and hand feed himself strawberries. I will look at themselves in the mirror and say reassuring things to do this. Things like, "you deserve love," и"ты beautiful and form, and have extensive wardrobe of clothing that all fit very well." also will say, "this is not your wine" several times. It may be hard for me to fully consider the words coming out of my mouth, but I want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.

Then will I take a shower.

After I dried himself with fine Egyptian cotton towels, blending will I beckon me my bedroom, and there I will reach new levels of Ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. Although this will be very full, eventually will be much like, are going to see the range Jodeci and realizing that K-CI is not the special evening. Simply JoJo. It's just not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good.

The next morning I will lay the assortment of bagels and any flavor cream cheese, that one can imagine. I would also just squeezed grapefruit juice. For breakfast, I would expect as, despite the setbacks, I had in the past year, I may still be safe in the knowledge that I can refer to a fantastic evening all to myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I know this is not true, as I eat my breakfast.

Your friend, Lauren

Sarah said...

omg. Did you seriously send that?

Hilarious.

And I, like Erich, am also wondering what pics you've sent????

You've reached a whole new level of respect in my book. (like you cared) ;)