Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Yanni Made Me Do It OR Are You Such Awesome?

I couldn’t pick one title, so I’ll let you choose the one you like.

imageWhen I went to school at the University of Florida we weren’t allowed to open our windows in the dorm because it was air conditioned to death – even on cooler days.  I really hate being stuck inside without fresh air – even if it’s 80+ out.  (That is probably the saddest thing about living in Seattle is that it’s hardly ever conducive to having the windows open.)  So on one of the many days we sat outside playing lacrosse or sitting and doing nothing but what we really needed was some Yanni.  So I took what the school thought would be an unlikely tool for a student to have (a 5mm Allen Key) and opened the window letting Yanni flow freely into the yard.  It turned out that not as many people love Yanni as I thought, so I got in trouble for ‘breaking the seal’ on the window and had to pay $50 to get some janitor guy to take his 5mm Allen key wrench and close the window.  It was quickly then secured with a star key (which I have now, but didn’t then). 

That story had nothing to do with anything.  But I should note that I listened to Yanni as much as I did Guns and Roses and the Yanni didn’t totally wreck my social life. 

So it’s almost 2010 and I’m back training almost 100%.  For Christmas I got a Cyclops trainer (SWEET!) from the Mrs and it rocks.  I’ve put a few hours on it right now and with the Power Tap – it works pretty well. I’m using some trainer workouts from Macca and what the folks at Velo Collective (home of Tyler Stewart, Alison Starnes and Merideth Kessler) use.  They keep me on the right track and definitely not bored – usually a change ever 2-4 mins.  The biggest challenge isn’t really staying interested, it’s staying seated without my nether regions screaming to dismount and consider a new sport with a more comfortable seat, like internet dating or going to the movies or tv or binge drinking.

I also got out with my friend Travis – an old roomate and a fellow Cat 3 rider, we got in 2 hours on the flats and held a steady 200w the whole time.  Not too bad considering a 3 month break completely from the bike.  Sundays are my days for 2 hours outside – almost an enjoyable distance even for a long ride.

So for now I’m running 4 hours a week or about 5 runs and then riding 5x a week for about 6 hours with 4 of the rides on the trainer using power and scripted workouts.  I’m all in Z1 and Z2 for now – I’ll throw in some swimming come March 1 – because as I’ve found, the amount I swim has no relationship to my swim performance.  So I’ll try 2 hours or maybe 3 workouts in the pool max – remember, I am only racing sprint races and have a max of 10 hours to train. 

In case this isn’t enough – here’s sort of a rough outline:

  • Mon: run 30 mins EZ
  • Tues: Ride 1 hour, run 45
  • Wed: Ride 1 hour, run 50 (brick)
  • Thurs: Ride 1 hour, run 40
  • Fri: Ride 1 hour, run 30
  • Sat: run 1 hour
  • Sun: ride 2 hours

Of COURSE each day has a different focus – both bike and run.  I think I’ll do 2 bricks a week at least and the rest are broken up.  I think that with 10 hours I’ve got more time for recovery and can spend MORE time doing MORE Z3+ once I get some base down.  Oh, btw I’m 188 lbs and somewhere north of 20% fat.  Ummmm, I think I’ll be skipping the egg nog for another few weeks.  I’ll try and post more regularly about my disgusting shape. 

So in between everything else – I’ve been taking Sada skiing 2x a week and have skied almost 10 days already this season and I’ve got the girls into the pool twice (including tomorrow’s swim), ice skating (today and Sunday) and tubing – not a bad Christmas Vacation!  I’m also giving up on my Pumpkin Pies and will make some Turkey Soup today.  Did you know that if you eat soup you’ll eat approximately 441 fewer calories a day?  Yeah, it’s true.  I read it in a book.  Eat soup, not pie. 

So that’s it. 

I took the picture above from the chairlift the other day – Sada thought it might be Mt Crumpit which is where the Grinch lives. 

One more.

I got this comment – it might be my all time favorite:

I think you are just a flat out fucking idiot, no wonder your turns that surprise you catch you off guard. You are just clueless! Wake the F up and stop being such a pompus computer nerd. Maybe you will b able to man up then. Oh and do ur self a favor and get rid of those stupid fucking side burns. U fucking retard, joke is gonna b on ur ass soon!

Here’s how Dasha would say it:

I think you just flat from fucking idiot, not surprising your makes surprise chatnoir you leave the guard. You simply clueless! Awakening in f and stop time such nerd computer pompus. Perhaps you will b possibility man up, then. Oh and make ur self favour and get rid of these stupid fucking side burns. U fucking retard, joke-gonna b on SD jumpster soon!

It’s the subject of my next post or at least in the near future. I love it.  But I love the new coat I’m testing for Under Armour even more.  I’ll send pix of the new UA load of stuff and some ideas for training clothing for winter training where it’s <50. 

Don’t forget: joke-gonna b on SD jumpster soon!

Now who is the retard? 

PS the sideburns are good for at least 40w or you such stupid.  HAW!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sometimes It’s All Retarded

I feel bad not blogging and doing normal stuff but 99% of everyone I spend anytime with will hear me say, shoot – I shouldn’t tell you this story because I need to put it on my blog.  So some people are beta testers for my stories. 

I’m running almost daily – trying to get in some quality runs with Chris Harig a solid runner with a pretty good history in the sport, he puts up with my 8 min miles or slower right now – but I’m already running a little bit better. 

(Chris Harig: As an athlete, Chris has raced all over the world including World Championship multisport events.  A veteran of sprint, international, half-ironman, and ironman distance triathlons, he focuses his spare time  on Duathlon competition.  In 2007, Chris was the top overall American at the ITU Duathlon Age-Group World Championships in Gyor, Hungary.  He repeated that position in 2008 at World's in Rimini, Itlay.  In the 2008 USA Triathlon Rankings, Chris ranked No. 1 in his Duathlon age group.)

Despite the debacle that was my 2009 long-course race schedule, I’m somehow still sponsored by Under Armour for 2010.  So look for more awesomeness from those guys as well as some product highlights.  They have too much great stuff for running and biking NOT to write about their stuff.  If you are looking for sponsorship from them, ask me and I’ll tell you where to go to submit your stuff.  Until then, you get to hear me write about my kids and stuff.

IMG_2061Since we lived in CA for 2.5 years and my kids are 4 and 6, they don’t really remember that we left this stupid state (Washington) because it snowed and was cold and rainy.  They pretty much know about snow from TV and that’s it.  So on Sunday it started snowing, but like 300 flakes and it didn’t even stick ANYWHERE. BUT that didn’t stop the kids from sledding.  They don’t have a sled nor do they own snow boots.  So they went sledding in the non snow without a sled.  I didn’t get the picture in time –but here are the remnants are in the photo below.  I saw Sada pushing Piper who was sitting on the pine branch on the leave covered hill and she pushed her about 4 inches.  It was pretty much the saddest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  I swear I taught them better – I mean, only a few hours before we were at the ski area tubing. 

The tubing was fun and WAY more dangerous and faster than I did as a kid.  The whole time I thought for sure I was going to impale myself on the ice blocks and never run again – so I was glad that there was only a 2 hour period to tube.

I’m teaching Sada how to ski – she uses a harness to keep from going straight down the hill into a lift, a pole, a tree, a person, a road, a lodge, a parking lot,etc…  This means I basically have a kid on skis with reins – and that I do a snow plow for 3-4 hours straight.  Everything is sore after we ski –but at least she no longer says she ‘h-word’ skiing (we don’t say hate in our house, so she says h-word). 

Piper also don’t know much about Christmas except what she sees on TV. She sort of learns at her own pace – which is accelerated at times and I’m sure is quite retarded at others.  She must be learning about choices at school because Santa was accused of ‘making a bad choice last night’ because he didn’t deliver any presents.  She also told me about the camel in the manger down the street.  Grandma also has a camel at her house.  I asked her what else was in the manger and she told me the hump was there (from the camel) and also 4 legs were present. So next time you put together your manger, check for those other key participants.  She also said baby Chesus, Jofis and Mary were there.  I was also told that there was a white horse there that she liked to ride.  That last part was retarded.

But Piper does know ALL the words to Let it Snow.  I’m not sure there is another kid who is more passionate about Christmas music than Piper, except maybe Sada and then my mom a close third (she’d sit at the piano and play all of the songs for us to sing as kids). She also likes to wish you a Merry Christmas at random times – like in between Wheat Thins or while she’s going to the bathroom.  Sada also insisted on saying the Pledge of Allegiance before dinner.  I’m only a cousin Eddy short of living Christmas Vacation. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Yup, the DMV

image In California the DMV was about 4 miles from our place – after licensing myself and 2 cars, I figured out that you can’t EVER go there just once to get things done, they don’t design it like Target –where you can get everything in one place.  I imagine the rest of the government works like this – but really only have experience with the IRS outside of the DMV, I don’t think the post office counts because that is like a real business. 

In CA you had to have proof of insurance linked to your driver’s license.  For some reason they lost my record and gave me like 3 days to prove I had insurance.  Easy because I emailed that, except I emailed the address on the card they sent me and that was not active any longer- so after a few of these things, I got it right. 

Today I went to license and transfer title to our new SUV –the Lando aka the 13mpg snow beast.  Piper asks every day when I pick her up from school if it’s still green.  She also will come into my bedroom after I’ve gone to bed to tell me she wants ‘Floop Loops’ for breakfast.  I’ve fallen off the subject….

First I had to get an emissions test – sort of makes sense, but in NH they have this racket called a State Inspection – you go to just about any place that has guys working in coveralls and they do these inspections.  They basically check to see if your car is roadworthy – checking things like windshields, brake lights, brakes, and a few other major safety items.  It makes a lot of sense because I’ve seen some real pieces of decroded crap on the roads.  If your car doesn’t pass inspection – it means you have to get something fixed, just so happens they can usually fix it there for a few hundred bucks.  I found that usually you could bring your car to a few places and basically go with the place that said you needed the least amount of work.  They always got me on ‘ball joints’ about $200 each side + labor.  But they don’t do that here.  Just emissions.  $15.  Cool.  I get 13 mpg in the city but I somehow still pass emissions. 

So I’m at the DMV with a folder full of all the paperwork I need.  Oh yeah, I have to pay the sales tax on it too.  Ugh.  The lady was pretty nice except she said I was missing a signature.  Crap. 

So I leave and call the lady who is like 2 hours away. 

She just so happens to be on the way to a meeting down the street from my office – so I go get her signature and then hustle to the DMV.  I started this at noon btw…

I got back to the DMV.  I grab ticket number 77 and they’re on 33. 

Now in Washington there are a lot of people from all over the world.  A lot of Indians, Mexicans, Eastern Europeans aka Commies (sorry, I just watched 2 days of James Bond marathon that taught me that they’re bad), Whites and Asians.  At the DMV this becomes an interesting mix, an ethnic jambalaya of sorts.

There’s the nerdy Microsoft guys – they go in pairs together because I’m guessing one of them is a dungeon master of some sort and the friend has to go along to keep a protective spell.  I’m just guessing this, but I’m probably right.  When on Friday afternoons guys bring in robots to fight each other – you know the combined SAT scores are probably in the 99th percentile. 

There were Mexicans, all in 2’s and 3’s.  In CA, there was at least 1 person there at the DMV who spoke spanish – in WA, the DMV was staffed by all Asian ladies who didn’t appear to be solid in their Spanish.  So that sort of made things creep along real slow like.  Lots of staring at each other and slow speaking but not much getting done.  I’ve been in meetings like this at work.  There were more people who came in looked around and left.  Maybe they were looking for some DMV gift certificates or something. 

There were a bunch of white guys but they were a tough working crowd, I felt a bit out of sorts in my gore-tex TImberland fancy boots among the guys all in black steel toes and Carhart jacket/pant combo.  They could have all played pretty believable pirates if they just had swords and the big hats.  Lots of scars, missing teeth, and certainly the most stinky bunch of guys I’ve been around except for the homeless guy who’d poop in the bathroom consistently at Burger King. 

One girl was there, in WA on a college internship and she tore her miniscus or something in her knee and needed a handicapped parking pass for 2 months, her surgery was tomorrow and I knew this because she was a loud talker.  She was from Wisconsin.  Probably the loudest talkers are from Wisconsin.  I also know that she had an existing cyst that they’ll go in and take out why they’re fixing her knee.  I mean really, that’s a lot of detail for the DMV lady. 

Now they’re in the 50’s. 

Number 57 is a lady who is getting new plates.  Somehow this also meant she needed to explain to the lady behind the counter about the new Bodies exhibit at the museum and that you really need 2 days to see the whole thing. 

Number 63 was a Chinese girl whose dad gave her a car.  She really is saying that because if you don’t pay for a car, you don’t have to pay sales tax on it.  Apparently her dad also gave her sister the same car a few years ago and you can’t give a car as a gift twice.  She had to pay.  But they don’t take debit or credit cards but they do online.  They also have a cash machine that got quite a workout in the lobby. 

The pirates were numbers 64-76 (some were just renewals, which they could have done online but not everyone knows about the internet) and then it was my turn. 

$1,100 later, I had new license plates and a truck ready to roll.  Except it needs an oil change.  I was out the door 4.75 hours after I had started.  Forget fixing health care, fix the dmv.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Worked for a Man Who I Thought Was a Woman

BK-double-rodeo4 When I first came to Seattle in 1994 there weren’t many jobs.  I interviewed at temp agencies – turns out I could type 38 words a minute and anywhere else I could find an interview.  This one company hired me – WASHPIRG, a public interest group that went house to house solicoting for cash donations.  They didn’t tell me I’d be doing that and after 3/4 of a day of going door to door asking for money in the cold and rain, I said that I wasn’t really keen on sticking around.  So then I interviewed at a bank.  When I got to the room, I noticed I was the token white guy – surrounded by the women of a Benetton ad, except frumpy and not smiling and they were all wearing suit-like outfits.  I got tested counting money but I wasn’t quick enough I guess.  So then the one company that calls me is Burger King.  At that point a salaried job of $15,000 a year seemed pretty good.  They hired me to be an assistant manager.  Seemed easy enough for me and I didn’t know anyone except 2 people so the embarassment would be low. 

So I showed up.  Blue pants, blue oxford and they provided the Burger King tie. 

I had to train at one Burger King and then I’d be moved to another one.  THe one I trained at was in the heart of the University District.  Sweet- lots of homeless people. 

My boss, was Gabby.  Turns out she/he looked like Meatloaf a bit except she/he smiled.  I was 20 or 21 I think and being from a small town I didn’t actually that men dressed as women or could live in a state somewhere in between.  I also hadn’t ever seen a woman with an adam’s apple.  Hot.

I found out that fast food restaurants sort of get the cream of the crop for employees. 

I was soon made the morning manager.  My main guy was this fellow who was on prison work release and after his shift, he went back to jail.  He was a drug dealer (he looked like the caddy boss Lou Loomis from Caddyshack) whose house and property was booby trapped from end to end.  Over the course of my training I got to learn all about how to build them and what it’s like to have the Feds raid your home. 

I also met ‘shitty’ – that is what everyone called him.  He was a homeless guy who went into the bathroom and flung poop all over the place.  He’d also take about 30 packets of sugar and dump them into his coffee but usually missed the cup – so he’d leave piles of sugar on the table.  The good part about management is that you could delegate things like ‘cleaning up the bathroom’.  I never did it but usually had to promise people 3 extra hours of pay to clean the bathrooms. 

At some point, someone told me that my boss Gabby was a man who was only halfway through a sex change.  I think I then spent more time looking for man traits on Gabby than I did working. 

I got transferred to my main job – I then became the night manager.  There was another guy Alex who took the days.  I worked with this guy who was a part time Kung Fu instructor who had his teeth punched out, his name was Bill- he didn’t shower often.  His wife was over 400lbs and she had to sit in the middle of her car to drive – she dove an old Buick with a bench seat.  I remember she would come in and get 2 Whoppers, fries, shake and a dessert.  I think that’s over 2,000 calories – but she must have been in training for something. 

I hated that Alex guy so when he started dating one of the under-18 girls who worked there, I told on him so he’d get fired.  He did and I got the day shifts.  They did tell us not to sex up the employees. 

I usually got to hire and fire people.  I did that a lot.  I was always figuring I’d be shot at some point since most people who worked there over 20 weren’t right in the head. 

  • I had a woman from Turkey whose husband would sit outside the place while she worked so he could keep an eye on her.  He was jealous of me.  He also drove a Saab.
  • I had a girl who worked for me offer to clean my house for me… awesome except she was 15 I think.  She liked me. 
  • I had a kid who was Muslim who would take breaks to pray but I later found out he just went upstairs and stole food and goofed around, I didn’t fire him, I just didn’t give him any hours.
  • The manager of the place was a poker player and made more money playing poker than he did working there.  He’d yell ‘HOT STUFF’ when it was busy. 

There was also a mental hospital not too far away, so I got lots of crazies – I even remember a cute one but she was crazier than the average woman so that wasn’t going to work. 

I learned that you could drop a frozen patty on the ground and still put it in the cooker – a bbq like thing but on a conveyer belt with lots of flames.  After they cook they STILL get put in a microwave – so I’m pretty sure anything on there was clearly dead.  The frozen patties are about the size of a CD when you put them in and come out the size of a small burger when they’re done. 

I was a vegetarian at the time – so I ate chicken sandwiches, except no bun.  They have like 30 grams of fat the buns do.  And yea, I ate chicken as a vegetarian.  A lot of people order vegetarian Whoppers – which is just all the same stuff on it except no burger.  When you get an order wrong (not often) people expected to get something free.  Most of the time people would say they didn’t get something but most of the time they were lying.  I did remember one lady who was so fat that she too couldn’t fit behind the wheel of her car – we forgot something in her lunch (you know when you get an order wrong by the leftover food sitting out – everything is made when it’s ordered) – so it was legit, so I said ‘a free lunch on us’ – she proceeded to order 6 whoppers.  I remember this almost 20 years later.  You want to know how obese people get obese?  Fast food restaurants with $0.99 burgers.

Because I was salaried, I could get called into work anytime.  So after about 2 months of getting called in on my day off, I would also be ‘going to Yakima’ for my day off or I stopped answering my phone.  This was before cell phones and the internet. 

I was paranoid of being robbed, so I usually closed the place early and only kept the drive through open, I never got in trouble for that – but I could have been fired.  I could eat as much free food as I wanted, so I really just took the milk home so I could make Jello pudding with whole milk.  I rode a mtn bike back and forth to work.

Most of those places get robbed because someone leaves the back door open.  I didn’t. 

After a while they decided I would go away to Burger King College to become a manager or district manager.  I knew I was leaving Seattle to finish school in NH, so this wasn’t going to be good.  So I had to make up something about not getting my credits transferred to the U of W, so I had to leave and finish school.  So they gave my job to this nice guy named Daniel who had a kid and was married.  He went to Burger King College and then got robbed when he left the back door open one night. 

I left, finished college, and got a job a Microsoft where I still work 14 years later and I have a kid who spells ‘B.U.T.T’ just about at every chance she gets.  That man (James Bond) touched her B.U.T.T (bee-you-tee-tee).  ALL THE TIME.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Source of Danger: Fruit Salad

I made a fruit salad last night and after eating most of it Piper decided that it was responsible for why her ankle hurts.  After school every day we have a short 200m race and Piper refused to run in it today because the fruit salad wrecked her ankle.

She isn't kidding. 

Then she let one rip and I said that was sort of rude.  She said 'excuse me' and I said that Santa would not consider that good behavior and she responded with 'BUT I'M HAPPY' - so I really wasn't sure what to say.  I guess she wins again. 

Then tonight I made macaroni and cheese and hot dogs.  It's basically shell pasta with a 1/3 of a Velveeda chub (note: you won't find it with the cheese - look by the crackers).  IT is pretty good.  It's actually awesome. So awesome in fact that my kids just get up and hug me during dinner while chewing. 

I also thought about working out but I didn't.  It turns out, the alarm can go off at 5am but I can lay there for almost 2 hours saying 'I'll get up and still run 30 mins'.  Then I get up and tell myself that I'll just go when I get home but I don't.  So I'll need gastric bypass surgery at some point in 2010. 

I got a season's ski pass so I wouldn't be tempted too much to train on the weekends - so I'll be skiing 1-2 times a week with Sada - they have tubing too - so I'll fit that in when we're tired of skiing.  I'd cross-country ski, but I'm guessing that I'll figure out how to do it and will want to race and so I'm not doing that.

I'm trying to find a bike trainer - so I can at least saddle up a few times a week and keep some level of fitness.  It's possible I'll consider racing duathlons.  I think I can do 2 sports and no over-do it, but for now, I'd rather just watch a Christmas movie with the kids and wax the skis. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My Life is a New Low

[3088538543_bb6ebba2ec.jpg]It's true.  I think I crossed into the new low today - I sort of realized this as I was working out on an eliptical machine, struggling to get through 30 mins while I listened to a 12" remix of something by Duran Duran.  All I really wanted was a beer or to get off the machine - though there is a holder on the thing, so I guess even the 'not having a beer' thing is just an excuse - see I'm that lazy now.

I'm still only a few weeks out of triathlon and training 12-18 hours a week or at LEAST 2 hours a day, usually 2 sports every day for at LEAST an hour each and I don't recall ever sleeping past 6:15-6:30.  I also don't recall staying up past 9pm very often.

I'm not motivated to move in any form of exercise.  Ian calls me regularly to see how fat I am and insists on me signing up for Vineman 70.3 - so before I fall for it, I'm trying to sell off as much of my stuff so I don't get sucked back in.  Once you exit the world of insane triathlon training, it's a lot like being the only sober person at a new year's eve party except there aren't any hot drunk ladies around.  Even Dasha has left. 

But I do have a lot more time.  I think I just work more and spend a TON of time with my kids.  I even got season passes for skiing this year with Sada - so now I'm committed to some extent to get my money's worth. 

MY old schedule went something like this:

  1. Get up, eat or don't eat.  Run or work. (5am - ish) (1-1.5 hour run)
  2. Take break and either Run or bike. (Bike 2-2.5 hours)
  3. Eat healthy
  4. Work
  5. Go swim or ride (1-2 hours)
  6. Work
  7. Eat
  8. Work
  9. Eat
  10. Hang out with family
  11. Go to bed (8:30pm - ish)

Now the new schedule:

  1. Wake up at 5:20am, decide not to work out
  2. Wake up at 6:50, eat bacon, move workout clothes to the floor, make bed
  3. See how many coffee beans are in the machine - make 2 cups for me.  If there's egg nog - put that in there too.
  4. Head out the door for work 7:10am (pants are snug, vow to workout, sometimes bring workout stuff to work so it can sit in my bag all day)
  5. Work and get coffee 3x
  6. Eat
  7. Work
  8. Have a coffee before heading home - it's tiring sitting down all day.
  9. Pick kids up at school 4:30pm
  10. Get home, walk dog to end of driveway - encourage pooping. 
  11. Go inside, open beer
  12. Make fire
  13. Empty dishwasher, find new beer or open wine
  14. Found candy dish was refilled, eat 3 handfulls - whoops!
  15. Start dinner, find new beer
  16. Have dinner with family - open new beer or move to wine, it's more civilized.
  17. Give kids a bath
  18. Read stories, open new beer or fix wine glass that is likely empty
  19. Aspire to read but find DVDs and HBO much easier to do.
  20. Put workout clothes back on bed so I can find them in the dark at 5:20am
  21. Sleep but finish beer before bed
  22. Vow to workout in the morning just before nodding off

So now for work I'm in this pool - a betting pool not a swimming pool - who can work out 3x in one week for 30 mins minimum.  Last week I had to stack all my 30 min eliptical machine workouts at the end of the week.  That seemed to be a challenge.  So there. 

In the course of writing this, I finished a beer and got another one.  It was 15 minutes. 

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

You smell like bacon and other delights

As I sat down to write this post, 4 year old Piper runs over to me crying - Sada said 'I smelled like bacon'.  She was crying over this.  I do hope her skin thickens up because smelling like bacon in my opinion is an asset - certainly nothing to cry about.

Then Greg tells me his brother had a pig nose and he would call him 'Baby McBacon' - so maybe this bacon as an insult thing isn't limited to my kids.  Greg also named his cat Princess Big Baby Horse - so there's always that. 

I don't have ANYTHING related to exercise to talk about except I haven't.  I had some chocolate milk with breakfast.  So I've just about gone completely to hell in my post-triathlon-pre-ultra-marathon-training life. 

My allergies stink and I can't tell if I'm sick or it's allergies and then when I NEVER feel better, I'm guessing it's allergies.  Working on the 22nd floor in a nice filter-air environment is the only relief I seem to get. 

I also got a Land Rover Discovery.  The lease on the 328i is up and I'm going with the 'it is ok if I go off the road in a snowstorm and wreck it' approach.  You can fit 2 bikes in the back without having to take the wheels off!  We can also pull some horses behind it if we had horses.  I get it on the 21st.  It's used which is fine because it's the 3rd cheapest vehicle I ever bought - only behind my first 2 Audis when I was 16 and 21. 

Then, since my Russian ladies have given up on me sending them fake Western Union numbers - I need my Russian lady fix. So I checked out some sites, mostly Russian Bride sites.  There are a lot and apparently a lot of good looking Russian women in need of a date or a husband or US residency.

There was a pretty elaborate sign up process - I said I really just wanted a good looking woman with some farming abilities.  We'll see how well that works.  They also have a section where they ask the following questions:


I was considering checking a few off but I really wasn't sure which one I really wanted to sign up for.  I guess holding a hostage isn't soooooo bad when considered with the other options. 

They do have this nice service to give gifts to these women:


I'm thinking of giving my favorite lady the #47 this year.

THere are a few others - like the $150 cake:


They don't even have the courtesy to spel chek their marketing for the $150 cake.  Then again, with the option of various cream designs, who could put a reasonable price on this cake.

So hopefully I'll get some more magical conversation from this - if not, I'll write something normal. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

You do not read my letters? Or you such stupid!

passport (2)Ok, I still have this daily email thing with Anastaysia.  Whomever is on the other end is STILL trying.  She first wanted $950 and even sent me a picture of a terribly fake passport - really, do they often print these all crooked?  And then because I know the scammer doesn't have any photos left of this girl, I asked for one more and then I'd send the money - but sadly, she doesn't have a camera with her - I'm sure her sister is using it to take the naked photos of others in case they need them or if it's their choice

So she said this:

I wanted to ask you about electronic tickets but it would

be useless for me. Our travel is organized by the government. It is not the payment for flight only.

It includes airfare and residence and transportation where I will stay for work. You can't just buy the

ticket for me because I will need additional money for other things. I must pay them here in cash to fly to you.
I just want to show you real situation about me. To be honest  I thought about it when I decided to
write to you first time. But I hoped that money will not be the issue. I just miss you and I want to
meet you. I ask about the help to OUR future. I will never hurt you or cheat you, please, think about it.

Our life is too short and we can't lose this chance. 

Your Anastasiya           

Then I said I would send her the money and how much did she want and she writes this flowery piece of crap that she probably thinks I read but I didn't because if there are no bikini photos, what is the point.  If she really did care, she would have at least sent me a photo of the 2006 University of Oregon cheerleaders. 

I rent a room in a three-room appartment. When people retire they have a miserable pension and they have to let somebody live in their
appartment for money to survive. I live in the appartment of an old woman and we were talking about you last night. Her destiny is cruel. She has got two song and grandsons but she is alone. They don't help her. They become independent , have their own business and forgot about their mother. She is so kind. We were drinking tea with apple-pie and talking and talking... She was even crying when I was telling her about you because she believes that our cruel world is not so spoiled yet and there is a real love and real feeling, real men who also just like me believe that our world is not so spoiled yet. I promised to that old woman that I will write her a letter when I am with you. She is so single and I know that even a short letter will make her feel needed to someone. The rest of the time I was watching movie and reading Bulgakov. In Moscow they even have Mtv channel and I was watching american programs. Where are you now?  What are doing at this moment? I often think about it!!! Maybe even now you also think about me?

Your Anastasiya           

AND THEN I asked for another photo just because I like to ask the same question 2-3 times and she writes this novel - but I do mess with her but only after she pulls out the weepy "Santa Claus was ripped from my childhood at such a young age" story.  A good story, but Dasha could have told it much better. 

Hello dear Loren,

I don't have a photocamera here so I can't send you more pics. 
I was trying to find some money and I had some luck.I swear I called everybody I know and I was
able to find some money but not all. I'm still desperately want to see you! I can find some money and
I need only 650 dollars now... I swear I called everybody but I can't find more money! My mother
doesn't have so much money to send me, I can't find more money...If you will not send me money I will
return home. I told you life in Moscow is very expensive for me, so I will have to pack my bags and
go home. If I won`t buy ticket my flight will be canceled and I won`t be able to apply for visa for
next year.You came into my life not too long ago and I didn't think anything of it..At first I thought
we will be friends only, I didn't believe in having special feelings to someone I have never seen.
I never imagined I'd be falling so hard for you. We became very close but yet we were so distant.
The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to be with you. Your letters always made me smile even
without writing something funny and without you I'd be very different. I smiled because I was happy
to receive your emails.. You have changed me in so many ways. You make me want to wake up in the morning
to see what life is going to throw at me each and every day. Your emails mean so much to me. I can't help
but think about you all of the time. Every morning I wake up, during the day, and before I go to sleep
you're always on my mind and even in my dreams I see you. I don't know how it happened.. it's so strange
for me....I am sitting here in internet cafe and writing this letter hoping you will get to read it soon..
I'm listening to French love songs on my CD-player and it makes me feel more sad I can't be with
you now... The songs really sound so nice to me but I don't know what they mean. It's like my
feelings to you....I feel so nice when I think about you but it's so strange because I've never
met you...I have built my world around my dreams of being us together and I really like this world...
I always want to stay in that world and never want to come back to reality and I hope that you feel
the same way too.. I'm not sure....Please don't think Oh, why I met that Russian girl in Internet,
she promised a lot and never done it. I really wanted to come to you but you know I have never
travelled so far away and I was not smart enough to  set up all things for my trip. I still feel I
need you in my life so much. I pray it will be possible for you to help me somehow. When I was a
little kid I believed in Santa Claus (in Russian it's called Ded Moroz - to translate by words it's
called Old Man Frost))) I was waiting every Christmas for presents. And when we were going to meet
each other I felt myself like a kid waiting for Santa Claus... I was waiting for you....You are so
different from all Russian men and I still can't believe you can be attracted to me.. And I remember
when I was 9 years old I understood there is no Santa Claus and all presents are brought by my mom
I was so disappointed and I began not to believe in fairy tales...And now when I think I may never
meet you again I feel my worst disappointment and I don't want this fairy tale to be over...
I thought you would be the best present I've ever had........And I'm still hoping like a kid this
may happen...Today morning I woke up hopeless... I don't know how could I prove you my honest
intentions and feelings.... I wrote you so much and I understand I have to finish this email, but
in my heart I don't want to do that. I wish that time became frozen this minute before I say my words
of good-bye...I want to enjoy every single moment with you, to talk about all of the things we like
and dislike...... If I had my own computer I would write you 10 times a day... May you feel the part
of me wanting to be with you now and may I have the honor to touch your heart and let you feel my
special feelings to you..I will be waiting your next email and I hope I will see you on soon...

Your Anastasiya           

SO after this - I send her a fake 10 digit Western Union number, which would mean she or the scammer would have to go to the bank and ask for the money with the code.  I think that is funny.  But she thinks I just wrote the wrong number:

Hello my dearest Loren,

I was so happy when I went to the bank to get the money today!

But unfortunately I couldn't get the money today because

I was told that I have wrong money tramsfer control number.

Probably you made some misprint when you wrote me the control number?

Here is the number you gave me 1-158-988-6351

So, please check and correct the mistake as soon as possible!

When you correct the mistake, I'll get the money and but tickets and then I will fly to you!

Wow! I still cannot believe this is going to happen with us and we shall meet!!!

With lots of kisses from your Anastasiya

So whoopsy.  I'll send her a new number but just slightly off.  I'll see how many times I can get her to the bank with the wrong number.  Here's my most mailbox photo ever.  I'm not sure who poses next to mail boxes except for insane Russian women. 


Friday, October 30, 2009

The Best of Dasha


Like anyone lazier than a yellow lab, I'm going to recycle what has already been written - but with the hope that my awesome and magical abilities that I'm able to resurrect some warm and fuzzy feelings for you.  With that - I bring 'THE BEST OF DASHA" - my greedy little communist pretend girlfriend scammer:

  1. What do you think in this occasion?
  2. With love Dasha.
  3. The data, and I with huge pleasure have received your letter with data.
  4. After all you such magnificent, gentle, lovely, careful, trustful, and the most important thing the beloved whom I searched throughout long years. (note, this was in her 2nd email to me). 
  5. With huge love and set of gentle kisses, yours Dasha.
  6. With all tenderness, yours Dasha.
  7. You missed on me?
  8. Today I have visited the Internet
  9. Yours Dasha which madly loves you!
  10. Without you time lasts as eternity.
  11. With love and a considerable quantity of kisses yours dasha!!!
  12. From the huge Love yours Dasha!
  13. My growth makes 172 centimetres
  14. How are you? How at you mood?
  15. But then it has started to come late home, began to drink often, and sometimes even lifted on me a hand
  16. Only my Daddy could put me on the necessary way.
  17. Whether as you consider acquaintance in what that more serious for example the Internet can turn to happy marriage?
  18. I had a meaning of the life!
  19. The darling I would be glad to speak by with you to phone, but much to our regret at me it have stolen 3 months ago when I went behind purchases.
  20. I search for pure love and romanticists in relations.
  21. To me to become joyfully on a shower
  22. What do you think of it?/How you look at it?
  23. It seems to me that it is love.
  24. You do not read my letters? Or you such stupid!

There you go, Dasha - her words were priceless, or at least $800 for future words.  Analstaysisa keeps writing but just tells me how she needs $950 but FEELS SOOOOOO BAD to ask for the money and has told me that in Moscow "it looks like all people are false here", so true my commie-pinko Russian bear, so true. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Million of Kisses

Just in case you weren't sure - neither Dasha or Anastaysia are real.  In fact, you can see my dear Anastaysia here.  The good thing is that she didn't use the name Lyudmila.  I can't even say it let alone fall in love with a woman with a name that sounds like something I should run to the local urgent care clinic for treatment.  Though they did make an effort to change SOME of the emails from what is on the site- so that makes me feel a bit special though I'm sure it was written by some hairy Sergei dude who probably doesn't even have blonde hair.  I am so over her. 

Though this I have learned a bit about Russian Bride scams - so here's a nice list of Russian women from 60-99.  I think you could get younger, but I'm guessing these ladies will be able to cook, run a plow in straight rows and probably take names in beer pong.  I'm thinking of Larisa now:


She's a 'teacher of the English' as a profession - but not sure how good she is because she did write 'teacher of English'.  You'll also note her personality: decent (always a plus in my book!), easy going and hot-tempered.  I'd also guess she's a bit confused but that is ok because she pretty much likes everything.  I also wonder how much drinking is really involved when a 63 year old Russian says 'sometimes'.  I'd prefer if they just posted drinking hours - like noon-11pm or 8:30am to 9pm.  Something like that, then I know when she's good for chores and when she's not. 

My other top choice is Galina - she is more beautiful internally than externally and she's interested in a travel and of course reading books and nespaper, yes she said nespaper.  She's looking for a man up to 75 who is in a good phisical shape.  I'm guessing she can work on spelling with Sada - even team up on the challenge words (we're working on 'add' and 'animal' this week). 


Her personal message is confusing but also really deep:

"In my last life I do not lived in Russia (:o), I so think, therefore I all soul want to look the world and other places."

Word Galina.

So there.  That's it.  I'm done with these Commie Bimbos.  I'm going old school, like birthdates pre-1955.  Though not ONE has said they LOVE triathlon or running, that they can craft a perfect mojito (I like my mint MUDDLED til it bleeds!), or they love playing canasta, or enjoy riding in a golf cart at sunset or making cakes from a mix and decorate it like a boob. 

Monday, October 26, 2009

I will need them and it was my choice

Well, it's coming to an end and unlike James Bond, there are no shoot outs, no silk sheets and not even a regular speed car chase.  Dasha is reaching her limit with me, she stopped sending sweet emails and promises of gentle kisses.  All she has done is complain about not having $800 but didn't say that she wanted me to give it to her - so I offered her my frequent flier miles and for some reason - there is one airline in the world not accepting them.  Hers. 

This is her latest e-mail, after the pictures:

(note: here is Anastaysia - she sends lots of pictures, Dasha just sends daily electronic issues of stupid)

GetAttachment GetAttachment2 GetAttachment4 GetAttachment6

Hello my dear Loren! 

My dear I wish to ask you why you did not write to me? I waited for your answer.

My darling Loren I wish to inform you not Pleasant news concerning our meeting which I have received in a bureau

Travel. I consulted to the agent of a bureau and he has told to me that I I can not take advantage of tickets with which you you wish to help me! Business

In that at flight to you my darling Loren is necessary for me To conclude the contract from travelling agency of my city. In turn

The travelling agency, at the conclusion with them the contract, gives to me The full package deal into which will enter - registration of the visa,

The passport for travel abroad, the medical insurance and ticket purchase! As During flight, the travelling agency will bear for me full

Responsibility and for my safety during flight is not necessary To worry. I am very upset in this occasion and now I do not know that

To me to do. In travelling agency to me have told that registration of the visa and Ticket purchase should be made in my country, and that others

Variants are not present more! That you think in this occasion my dear Loern? I very strongly wish to know your opinion as you to me very much

It is strongly expensive. I do not have variants more as I can pay for And now I do not know the ticket that to me to do! I very strongly wish to meet

You as I very strongly value our relations! My daddy You speak that very good person and that with you will wait for us The happy joint future. I very strongly love you and with Impatience I will wait from you for the answer my darling Loren!!! From the huge.

Love yours Dasha!

THEN, after I tell her I'll just give her miles for the tickets, she writes this:

I spoke to you, I cannot take advantage of your tickets! You do not read my letters? Or you such stupid!

I told her I thought she was mean and fat.  Who is stupid here, really?  She ends her email: 'From the huge'.  Dumb.

NOW onto Anastaysia - who is better than Dasha, but not as funny.

GetAttachment3Hello Loren! I don't have enough time to write a long email I'm in a hurry....
Please write me the name of the closest Airport to you (possibly International) and it's code (if you know).  For example the closest Airport to me is Ekaterinburg and it's code is (SVX). I already started to pack my things and I want to start my trip so I will go to Moscow from Ekaterinburg. I have so many worries and I'm so afraid to start everything but if I don't start it now I will never do it!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will go to airlines office now and will buy a tickets to Moscow, its very expensive, but I have some savings so I have money to pay for plane ticket to moscow and to pay for renting room in moscow. As soon as I will arrive to Moscow,
I will finish my documents to travel, as work permission, medical insurance etc. I`m waiting a confirmation of airport from you, so I will buy ticket to your airport. I know it won`t be cheap, but my mother will receive a salary for last 6 months (her work detained wages) and will send me money when I will find out the cost of tickets!I will know this info in Moscow. I asked my sister to take a naked photo of myself because I didn't have any naked photos and I thought I will need them and it was my choice. Also I didn't want all men to look at this pic.... and now I know you little more and I will cross my fingers I'm not wrong in doing this and I will make a show of trust and send you my naked pic to you hoping it will be for your eyes only and you will not show it to someone. I was not comfortable to pose for such pic and I tried to smile, I think the pic is nice. I  don't want to chat about sex or something like that, I just wanted to show you how my body looks like... and that's all. Maybe I shouldn't  do this but I will click "send" button and close my eyes!

OF COURSE I WON'T SHARE IT with all men, just some.  See below.  I figured since she was wearing a birthday suit - she should wear a hat. I think the best part of her mail was that she thought she might need some naked photos and that it was her choice.  You never know I guess when a naked photo will open doors or help solve that big dispute at work. 

birthday (2)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Real Post About Ultra Running and Stuff Not Related to Russian Mail Order Bride Scams

So although my blog title indicates that I'm a triathlete, I'm really just a runner now.  But I can't just run a 10k because I'm not fast and a marathon sounds pretty unchallenging because who doesn't know at least 10 people or more who have done a marathon - so I figure I need to do the 50k to 100 mile stuff.  The only problem is that it's a lot of running and although I like running - I haven't LOVED running - so I'm working on that.  I also haven't sold my tri bike, so I'm not dead yet.  But mostly. 

I'm not running with music and I try and get some portion of every run on a trail AND I have great ideas like - let's run 13 miles today for fun because I can - except I really haven't done that just yet or ever but I intend to.  I am not running fast - maybe 7:45-8 min miles - but it makes completing these harder runs a lot easier.  I'll probably go run the Seattle half marathon the day after thanksgiving - but I'll just run to it or get a ride there and run home afterwards and then there's the Sacramento marathon 2 weeks later that Ian is doing.  My training partner for these longer runs is my friend Sally (Ian's wife is Sally, but this is a different Sally) - she's pretty amazing and she'll likely beat me easily.  Here's a little story about her worth reading.  For now, we're thinking of the Leadville Trail 100 run which is about 10,000 ft up - she'd do the race and I'd be there to pace the last 50k or so, maybe.  I don't do well at altitude and with a family, it makes taking off for a week here and there of 70-100 mile weeks of training a bit more difficult.  I should note that we don't actually train together because she lives in San Francisco and I live in crappy Seattle - so we do our respective workouts and then discuss over IM.

Phone 013I also have a messed up knee, not sure what happened but it hurts when I run a lot.  So I'm getting that checked finally after taking a month off and not seeing any improvement.  In the meantime, I've decided to try and climb/descend 2,000 stories in my building here at work this October.  I get in 50 just going to and from my office - or 25 flights up and 25 down.  It takes about 11-12 mins or so to walk.  I've run it in 8:48 - with the fastest time up in 4:48.  The problem with stairs is that it WORKS the calves so I'm now at a new level of calf awesomeness and pain.  It doesn't hurt my knee, so before I head to the doc's office tomorrow - I need to run so I remember where and how much it hurts. 

Yesterday at lunch I did 7x up and down the building in about an hour and a bit more.  I was dizzy on the 3rd time up - because I don't walk, I run the thing.  Coming down is hard because you're used to going up - and you don't have to think much but going down while dizzy isn't a great idea.  So you have to pay attention and focus.  Of ALL the workouts I've ever done - going up and down the building was in the top 5.  Today I have compression socks on just so I can sit at my desk without much pain.  With shorts on, it's a good look.  The Skins are awesome and Rory gave them to me and I'm grateful for them except when I have to explain that they're not leg warmers and then that always leads to someone telling me I should get ones that have a better design on them and maybe get some pink with polka dots and so on.  I've done 1,120 stories so far - so I need to get climbing. 

I also read a REALLY GOOD book - Ultra Marathon Man by Dean Karnazes.  It's a page turner and he's insane.  It's a great book.  No Russian Brides or anything like that - so just know that.  I'm also running in my Under Armour Specres - the V2 of the shoe and they're so awesome.  The V1 was like a record you had to listen to a few times before you LOVED it, now I love the V2 just like the V1 except they're orange and not yellow and I like yellow more. 

DASHA UPDATE: No email today, when I threw the frequent flier miles offer in lieu of $800 I think she may have decided I wasn't going to cough up any money.  I hope she comes back.  If you're following Anastasiya, she didn't take almost 20 emails to ask for money, she took about 3 to send me a naked picture.   I'll have to post an edited version of that soon. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

With love and a considerable quantity of kisses

Ok, now it's just plain busy managing all of these Russian bride scams.  Dasha without fail is back to her old ways - ruining the English language and Anastasiya just sends pictures and more information than I really care about.  So without any creative skill on my behalf, here are my two lovely ladies - who I may fly here and let them fight it out in a cage match or something - I sort of hope Anastasiya wins.

From Dasha (oh, I should note that in lieu of the $800, I said I'd just buy her a ticket with my frequent flyer miles - so let's see how she gets out of this one) and yes Dasha, I too hope, that we will live all life in a place.

Hello darling Loren! I am very glad that you have answered my letter! How you feel today yourself? I hope that with you all well!  I feel well as I again receive mail from you and your letters always cheer me up.  Road Loren I very much love you. You which most remarkable person I met.   I think that I not when I can not forget you my love Loren.

You have very strongly liked my father. It is very glad for me, that I have found that person as you.  I represent every night as we walk on a night city. At me all thoughts only about you.  Without you time lasts as eternity. I wish you to thank that you wish to help me with tickets. I think that it is very good idea as on registration of all documents

Will leave less time. All mine the remained documents will be issued in a current 10 - 12 working days. Tomorrow I can go to travelling agency and learn as I can take advantage of tickets with which you wish to help me. What you think in this occasion? It is very important to me to know it. Really our meeting will really soon take place!

I very strongly want it. I think every night about our meetings. I all time think of you and even when I work, You at me in thoughts. I dream, that we with you had very clever and beautiful children. I want, that at us were very happy And long relations. I hope, that we will live all life in a place. I very strongly love you my darling Loren.

I with huge impatience will wait for your letter my love Loren.

With love and a considerable quantity of kisses

yours dasha!!!

And now from Anastaysia - but more importantly are her photos - I could use less photos with stuffed animals.

meagain bearmonument in Sochi Me again Me in Sochi Me

Hello dear Loren! I think I'm a lucky girl to meet such good man as you in Internet!
I hope I will be lucky enough to meet you in the real life soon! Yesterday I told my mom about you.
She said that now she doesn`t worry about me as before because now she knows you are a kind
man and can help me if I need your help. You can show me your city and tell me more about the life over there!
I think I didn't write you I like cooking. I can cook some Russian dishes for you! Pelmeni, vareniki, blini, borsch, okroshka!
You will like it! Besides Russian cuisine I like Italian and Mexican. I love spaghetti and pizzza!!!!! mmmmmmm !
I can't live without it! I like Mexican food because it's very spicy, although I don't cook Mexican dishes too often.
I've been told my cooking is very tasty! I like to cook cakes. My favorite is cheese-cake with raspberry! You know...
when I talk about food I'm getting hungry ))) I eat everything and I don't like any diets but usually I don't eat after 7 pm.
This helps me not to be fat! I can cook many tasty things for you when we meet! Sometimes I like to listen to music.
I like almost all kind of Music and my favourite one is pop music and classical. You know.. almost all Russian men are like bears!
They are so rude, they can't be nice and polite, they don't want to have a family. I think you are not like them.
I like to go to the cinema! I really like to watch a good movie with my friends. 50 percents of movies in our cinemas are Russian
and about 50 American. Actually my favorite actor is Johnny Depp and I like all movies with him.
I've watched Pirates of the Carribean (part 3) some time ago! I think the third part is not as good as the first part. Have you seen it?
Could you recommend me any movie so I can watch it? What is your favorite movie and actor?
Soooooooooooooooo......... what else could I say? Sometimes I go to the theatre but not often.
There is only one small theatre in my city and there is nothing interesting.
If I want to watch a good play I should go to the nearest big city, there sometimes can come some famous Russian actors
and dancers but I can't go there often because it's quite expensive.
I want you to know small things about my life, because it will show you who I am.
Ok, I think I will finish my e-mail for today and I should go home to cook some food for my mom and brother!

PS I'm sending more pics this time! They were taken in Sochi one year ago.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'll be needing a table for 3 please

So Dasha sends a pretty short note, I can't visit you so please send money.  THEN just when I'm about ready to crawl into a ball on the floor and cry, I get this email:

It is my first time I try to correspondence with man in internet world.
The thing is that I will work abroad for six months or so and I would like to meet a nice man to  be my guide or just be good friend to spend time with. I think that it is hard enough to live in foreign town without friends. I am from a small town here in Russia, I don't want to be alone over there without any relatives or friends!  I want to see the real life over there and maybe you will be able to tell me more about your culture and life over there and give me some information in general! You know, life in Russia is rather difficult,especially in small towns. I don't want to live in Russia because I have not any chances here,it is hardly possible to explain but I want you to know my plans.I saw many stories in news on tv about girls who started a new life and decided to work abroad... So I decided to do the same and to try to find my luck abroad. I started to register my documents about 2 months ago, so I will travel soon and I will be allowed to work! You see I already started to register documents and now I need to decide in which city I want to work. I`m 27 years old and I`m a hardworking lady! (I will work as a dance teacher). You know, I`m a professional dancer, I dance in group on festivals, wedding celebrations etc. But when I will arrive (I will travel alone) I will work as a dance teacher (instructor), I have an international certificate. I can teach ball dances and sport dances. I want to work hard and change my life!

You see that maybe I'm too naive but I still believe in miracles to come! I decided to find a friend and make his city to be my destination.
I think it is great chance to change my life. I am full of plans and dreams My hair is blonde and I have mixed color of eyes (it depends on lightening)...
I think I'm somewhat pretty, but first of all I want to be beautiful inside. I do hope that you will be not disappointed to meet me in the real life when we meet.
I will leave my town in a few days or so (I can't tell you everything exactly right now) and I would like to be sure I have a man who is waiting for me over there. I will work hard and I would like to find a man to spend my free time together to get to know each other better and have some fun together.
If you have any interest to meet me I will be more then happy to meet you too.  If you want I can call you when we get to know each other better it would be nice to talk to you. Sorry I really have to go now. I will write more next time, my sister is waiting for me and I have to go!

Bye-bye!!! Anastasiya (for short you can call me Nastya)

I'm breaking up with Dasha now.  I mean, just how nice the mailbox looks in this picture.  I'm mostly upset that her English is passable and isn't really very funny.  I just have to keep on thinking of the mailbox.

Me[1] postbox[1]

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Dear Dasha, You missed on me?

I think I have to break up with her.  After 18 emails, she FINALLY gets around to sort of asking for $800.  I mean, whomever is on the other side of this really isn't getting their real value out of it.  18 emails and they only want $800?  I need a woman with more courage than to only ask for $800.  My kids ask for more than that though they get a yogurt usually in response to 'can we go to the airport and fly to nanny's house'.  No, here's a yoghurt though. 

So here's what she said today, maybe I'm just not into her anymore.  But once again, her closing line is pretty good.  I'm going to keep this one too.  She does call me her favourite - which is real sweet.  I'm not sure about all these gentle kisses either.  My dog does that and I'm always saying 'Jack, knock it off'.  I hope she's toilet trained, maybe that's where she's a step above Jack.

IMG_0368HEllo my favourite Loren! I'm fine, how there is your day? You missed on me?

Today I have visited the Internet - cafe, and with huge pleasure have received your letter! I have very strongly pleased, when have seen,

That you wish to help me with my travel to you. I am grateful to you for it, that you as well as I do everything that we have met,

Also were happy together! Really we with you a meeting already very soon will take place, I am very glad to it!

My thoughts are filled by each days only about you and about ours with you to a meet ing! To me is not suffered to meet any more

With you and gently to kiss you!

Road Loren, only one me has very strongly upset and has afflicted, how you already know, that yesterday I have visited travelling agency and learnt all

The full information of my travel to you. My agent has informed me that my trip to you will cost 1000 US dollars It is very big sum

For me as I have only 200 US dollars.

My favourite it is very a shame to me to you to speak it, but without your help to me not how not to manage,

As except you not who cannot help me. Road Loren if I was itself in a condition to pay the trip to you

That I already would go tomorrow and have started to legalise papers for arrival in your country as for me money is not important,

For me the most important thing to be near to the favourite person, namely with you my love. I very strongly hope, that you can

To help me and already very soon we will meet you. I very strongly love you!

I with huge impatience will wait for your answer!

Yours Dasha which madly loves you!

I wrote back to her and like her letters, I completely ignored everything she asked me. I'm trying out different endings to my short responses - today I used:

"My heart grows as large as a New Jersey housewife for you" - Lorpeedo.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

With All Tenderness, Yours Dasha

This is terrible news, but like all the women I know it comes down to concluding the contract from travelling agency.  THE NERVE!  This poor woman doesn't even have a phone - so I don't understand how she could have expected to come for 3 weeks, buy a plane ticket and of course spend all of my waking hours embraced in kisses.  I'll have to offer her my frequent flier miles for which I'm sure there will be some answer as in, well they don't take those miles because they fly on dinosaurs or something ridiculous like that.  So here's the latest.  It's barely funny.  I also got crap from someone speaking as a Christian who said I should be "acting like a husband and father and stop posting other women's pictures".  Well, frankly if my wife would send me bikini photos, I'd post those and since she isn't and Dasha is, I have to post them.  So there.  But as uniter and not a divider, I'll post a picture of another woman that my wife took when I was with my daughters - so there.

IMG_1679Hola my darling Loren! (note: I think she just went Spanish on me)

I am very glad to receive from you the letter.

My dear as you already know, today I visited travelling agency to learn all information on official registration of papers necessary for flight in your country.

I talked to the agent of a bureau and it has given me the detailed information on my travel and on its cost. This sum which named to me the agent, is much more than I assumed, after all I do not have even half of this money and it seems to me that I will have difficulties with search of the rest of money, which so is necessary for me to conclude the contract from travelling agency. I am very strongly upset in this occasion.

My favourite, I really wish to meet you, but in such situation I do not know that to me now to do, as I did not count on such price. I very much want with you will meet and to spend with you the best time in my life. In each days I think only of you. I imagine ours with you a meeting, our first conversation, our first embrace and our first kiss. All these moments are very important for me and I will remember them for all life! I very much hope that already very soon we will meet you, and we will be happy together! This my most secret desire!

I with huge impatience will wait for your answer.

With all tenderness, yours Dasha.

I do honestly love these closing lines.  I'm going to use them myself.  Not on myself, but I'll use them in my future correspondence.  Oh yea, if you're wondering about Barbie, I've got a 4 year old who carries this poor lady everywhere.  Even to the pumpkin patch.


Don't ask how I got here but I was on Amazon and was searching and noted the related products and began to dig:


I thought this was weird.  Then I looked at the related products:


Yup, they buy this $20,000 Star Wars like tank and of course, colored toilet paper.  Then it got worse as I went down the page:


Yup. this is real - visit the link above and you'll see it too.  Dead Rabbit, more toilet paper, Whole Milk, a Book on Birth COntrol and Christianity, Zubaz Pants and a Wedding Chapel.

And just in case you wondered who bought Zubaz pants, well those same guys buy these t-shirts. 


I'm stopping now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

With Huge Pleasure Have Received Your Letter With Data

b_img23 (3) I'm a business analyst.  Often times I say data is sexy.  I don't know what this means, but it's a way of making numbers seem more interesting if you say it's sexy.  I didn't even give my dearest one any data, but somehow in her messed up Russian translated head, she thinks I gave her data.  She asked me where I lived and I told her well, don't visit me here - visit me somewhere in the US where it is nice, like maybe California (present weather patterns excluded).  She calls this data.  My standards are at a new low today.  I now know why Russian men have taken a hand to her and why they drink.  She doesn't listen, but I forgive her if she keeps sending me bikini pictures. 

(Note: ladies, if you've messed up, send your man bikini pictures or send them to me and I'll tell your man that you're ok)

So here is the latest.  For fun, I've asked her the same exact questions I did a week ago.  She of course  will be informing me all that to me will tell in a bureau or whatever the hell that means.

I'm also including the same picture I've posted before because who says 'no thank you' to bikini pictures except maybe my Nana?

From Dasha:

Hello my dear Loren!!!

It is very pleasant to me to receive your answer!!!

My darling as your mood today? Today I have again visited the Internet - whether cafe and have decided to check up you have written to me

The data, and I with huge pleasure have received your letter with data. Tomorrow I am going to visit travelling agency for this purpose,

To learn the full information of my travel to you and as soon as I learn all information of my travel to you, I will necessarily inform you all that to me will tell in a bureau.

To me is not suffered to meet any more you, to embrace you strong and gently to kiss. I think in each days only of you and about

Ours with you to a meeting!

Even my fellow workers have noticed, that I have changed and became on much self-assured girl after I have found

You. After all you such magnificent, gentle, lovely, careful, trustful, and the most important thing the beloved whom I searched

Throughout long years.

I very strongly love you, and I hope, that already very soon we will be happy together!!!

With huge love and set of gentle kisses, yours Dasha.

(Note: if any woman signs a letter 'with love and set of gentle kisses' - I would probably fall for them.  If my wife read this (she doesn't) and employed such magical phraseology she'd have herself a new BMW).  

BTW - here is what I sent to her the other day, run through a translator which now explains why her emails are mostly insane:

Congratulate Dasha, my shapoopie

I am very sad to hear that your phone is stolen, we do not talk about trees or even my last run, or that would have made profiles. This terrible. I believe that you are wonderful and, of course, I am very romantic and love trees and birds sing many times I like sandwiches for lunch with birds. Propose warmth and care-I will make you fires and get some of the finest silks.

Let me break down yourself.

First I will dress in minute pajamas and/or loungewear, that my closet can offer. I will try several options, but ultimately will avoid specially set red silk pajamas, because they make me sad. This is because I wear that outfit previous occasions.
After I chose clothing, underlines my male attributes still feels soft against my skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of a mirror, looks for any wrinkles or imperfections. Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe I then will I have to the bar where I will create a sensual cocktail, which will be extremely update and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. Cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I never tasted before. Make will look as if the establishment on the ground, but its incredible complexity and balance will, it seems unlikely.

But I cannot say with absolute certainty that, Yes, then and there, invented a cocktail.

Then it will be time to create stole the dish for me. Food certainly will consist of seared Scallops in butter and tenderly sprinkled with relevant herbs and spices. I will also be some Asparagus Sauté and cauliflower, I bought last week because if I do not prepare it tonight he probably will go bad. All these elements will be slow and seductively entered into his mouth when I will savor every bite. Will also bread.

My whetted the appetite of successfully will take for the living room, where I will light a fire and hand feed himself strawberries. I will look at themselves in the mirror and say reassuring things to do this. Things like, "you deserve love," beautiful and form, and have extensive wardrobe of clothing that all fit very well." also will say, "this is not your wine" several times. It may be hard for me to fully consider the words coming out of my mouth, but I want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.

Then will I take a shower.

After I dried himself with fine Egyptian cotton towels, blending will I beckon me my bedroom, and there I will reach new levels of Ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. Although this will be very full, eventually will be much like, are going to see the range Jodeci and realizing that K-CI is not the special evening. Simply JoJo. It's just not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good.

The next morning I will lay the assortment of bagels and any flavor cream cheese, that one can imagine. I would also just squeezed grapefruit juice. For breakfast, I would expect as, despite the setbacks, I had in the past year, I may still be safe in the knowledge that I can refer to a fantastic evening all to myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I know this is not true, as I eat my breakfast.

Your friend, Loren

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

20 Days and Exactly One Month Will Proceed

Well, my best effort to weird her out didn't work.  The Dasha is back with a vengeance and of course some bikini photos and a promise to visit my nearest airport and provide relations in a real kind!  I sort of think her terrible English is sort of cute, but then I imagine a real live conversation with this woman, I imagine I'd have to drink a bit to get on the same level and to really enjoy the tall trees and birds and pure love and romanticists in relations.  

So without a whole lot of content from me (I'm busy trying to get my head around having to run a 50k trail race at altitude in a few months)

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Hello my dear Loren!

How you have spent day? I am very glad that you have answered my letter! To me you are very pleasant that as well as I wish to meet! It is very important for me as in my soul the set of emotions which has collected are pulled out from heart. I need to tell to you concerning our relations much, I with impatience wait day of ours with you for a meeting. I hope that you will like my new photo!

I wish to inform that on work the heads give me holiday which will begin in 20 days and exactly one month will proceed. And I very much would like to spend all my holiday together with you. What do you think of it?

I when did not leave for limits of Russia earlier and I very much would like to visit somewhere other country, especially near to such person as you! It for me will be very interesting and important to see you and to try to create our relations in a real kind. I will be assured that at us with you to turn out all that we want!!! How you look at it? Whether you are ready to meet me at yourself?

Certainly I will not insist on a meeting in your country and if you want that can visit me having arrived in my city. But I very much would like to learn as there live people abroad Russia, to look all most beautiful places of your city, to get acquainted with your family and certainly more close to learn you, all fine parties of your life. It seems to me that at us with you all will turn out that we will want, together we can live a long happy life.

What do you think of it? My dear Loren if you really would want that I have arrived to your country that you the address and the nearest airport in which I should tell to me I can arrive. When I will obtain these data that I can go to travelling agency and to learn what necessary documents it is necessary to issue for flight to you my dear Loren!

What do you think in this occasion? It is very important to me to know your opinion. I really very much wish to meet you and to try to create our relations in a real kind. I very much hope that you think just as I!

On it I finish the letter and with impatience I wait for your answer with good news!

With love Dasha.

There is a lot of 'what do you think of it' this time.  Gosh.  A lot of thinking!  I'm still curious how she can come visit me for 20 days but doesn't have the cashola to get herself a phone.  If she could cut a few more hairs and say out from behind purchases - then we can take this relationship to the next level!

Love is mysterious....